Just thinking....adoption

[Nomad]

On my FB, a page started by an adopted man keeps popping up. He seems to be about 31-36, if I had to guess....but then again, I am terrible with ages. He almost violently talks about how adoption is wrong (in his opinion). How it is akin to baby stealing, in his mind. He says that it leaves the child and then later the adult, feeling empty and lost. He talks about how adoption these days is a big money making business. That it can cost $20K and much more. He feels this money should go to the birthmom and she should be flooded with funds and social services in an effort to keep the baby. And if this is impossible (which he seems to feel is unlikely) that it should be given to a relative to keep the baby. He doesn't seem to be open that there are any other choices in the matter. I haven't heard him come right out and say it, but he implies that this is why people are seeing a lot of what looks like mental illness in the adopted population.

I found this very interesting. Someone in our adopted daughter's family was adopted by a family member and this person finds great comfort with the bio grandparents. (Although not technically adopted by the bio grandparents...another family member).

After giving it A LOT of thought, I was thinking perhaps all effort should be made for a family member to adopt a child put up for adoption. I don't think this tends to be done. Does anyone know? Efforts were made in our case with our (adopted) child (now adult)....but I don't think it tends to be done...but am unsure.

I do find this man's FB site (he is adopted himself) and postings unrealistic and a bit too negative and at times harsh. We don't live in an ideal world. In our case, the birth mom was totally unfit to be a mother and no amount of money or social services would help much, and probably not at all.


Anyone have any thoughts (or information) on this topic? Thank you.

 

[LetGo]

Hi Nomad,
I think the man is talking about private adoptions. I have strong feelings about money and babies/children's needs mixing does leave a very bad taste in my mouth also. It seems to be about demand/desire and greed. Maybe I am simplifying it.
I have 4 adopted children, now all adults. 2 pairs of full bio sibs, 2 different families. I think the adoption question is not easily answered. I think it is case by case. My older two were "taken in" twice by two different sets of family members, birth Dad being one of them.. There is no way birth mom could continue on. Both family members could not contend with my oldest kids' behaviors, emotional needs and they were finally given up to the state. I don't think any amount of money could have helped in this birth family's situation. There is mental illness at least on the maternal side from what we know. My daughter finally sought out her birth mother and it went okay for a little while then went very south.
My younger two is a more difficult question to answer. Years of services went into this birth family. How long is too long, what is right for the children involved while the system tries to heal the parents? One situation that I know of involved a foster family that had 3 siblings in their care. They finally had birth mom also move in with them. Overall, this situation worked and they finally were able to move out on their own as a family. I really think it depends on the circumstances of the birth family and their extended supports.

 

[Midst]

On my FB, a page started by an adopted man keeps popping up. He seems to be about 31-36, if I had to guess....but then again, I am terrible with ages. He almost violently talks about how adoption is wrong (in his opinion). How it is akin to baby stealing, in his mind. He says that it leaves the child and then later the adult, feeling empty and lost. He talks about how adoption these days is a big money making business. That it can cost $20K and much more. He feels this money should go to the birthmom and she should be flooded with funds and social services in an effort to keep the baby. And if this is impossible (which he seems to feel is unlikely) that it should be given to a relative to keep the baby. He doesn't seem to be open that there are any other choices in the matter. I haven't heard him come right out and say it, but he implies that this is why people are seeing a lot of what looks like mental illness in the adopted population.

I found this very interesting. Someone in our adopted daughter's family was adopted by a family member and this person finds great comfort with the bio grandparents. (Although not technically adopted by the bio grandparents...another family member).

After giving it A LOT of thought, I was thinking perhaps all effort should be made for a family member to adopt a child put up for adoption. I don't think this tends to be done. Does anyone know? Efforts were made in our case with our child (now adult)....but I don't think it tends to be done...but am unsure.

I do find this man's FB site (he is adopted himself) and postings unrealistic and a bit too negative and at times harsh. We don't live in an ideal world. In our case, the birth mom was totally unfit to be a mother and no amount of money or social services would help much, and probably not at all.


Anyone have any thoughts (or information) on this topic? Thank you.

Well my husband and I are raising our almost 3 year old grandson since birth, his mother is my daughter. My daughter is an alcoholic and for the past 7 years a methamphetamine intervenes user. She has many mental illnesses and she's living on the streets, or on people's couches if she doesn't wear out her welcome by stealing from them. She should NEVER be given a child, that's why CPS took the baby from her, and she told the nurses that she had no interest in "IT". She just had another baby, and he was taken too. She left the hospital and didn't even name him! She treated having kids as if she was giving an unwanted puppy to the pound. My husband and I made the VERY difficult decision to not take in another baby. We simply cannot raise another at our age. I hope and pray that he's adopted by a wonderful couple, and that his birth is their miracle. I hear horror stories about fostercare and such, but I know that it's the exception and not the rule. Horror stories sell papers and get lots of ratings for the media. My opinion is that if a woman doesn't want, deserve or can properly care for her child it's best to let the baby go to people that do and can. That man seems to have had a bad experience with his foster parents and has an unrealistic fantasy of how his life could have been if his mother kept him. And yes, relatives can and do adopt. In our case there just wasn't anyone that wanted to step up, or had the right qualifications.

 

[LetGo]

Well my husband and I are raising our almost 3 year old grandson since birth, his mother is my daughter. My daughter is an alcoholic and for the past 7 years a methamphetamine intervenes user. She has many mental illnesses and she's living on the streets, or on people's couches if she doesn't wear out her welcome by stealing from them. She should NEVER be given a child, that's why CPS took the baby from her, and she told the nurses that she had no interest in "IT". She just had another baby, and he was taken too. She left the hospital and didn't even name him! She treated having kids as if she was giving an unwanted puppy to the pound. My husband and I made the VERY difficult decision to not take in another baby. We simply cannot raise another at our age. I hope and pray that he's adopted by a wonderful couple, and that his birth is their miracle. I hear horror stories about fostercare and such, but I know that it's the exception and not the rule. Horror stories sell papers and get lots of ratings for the media. My opinion is that if a woman doesn't want, deserve or can properly care for her child it's best to let the baby go to people that do and can. That man seems to have had a bad experience with his foster parents and has an unrealistic fantasy of how his life could have been if his mother kept him. And yes, relatives can and do adopt. In our case there just wasn't anyone that wanted to step up, or had the right qualifications.

Midst, Your grandson is blessed to have you! I also understand why you could not raise the new baby. Hopefully, the baby will have loving parents and a good family life. I agree that the man who was so angry might have had a bad foster or adoptive situation.