Just venting...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jude-in-nj, Oct 19, 2015.

  1. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    Argghhhhhh... Phonecall from son who's in jail tonight.
    He started on me again how we should hire him an attorney (he has a public defender) and we should be asking family members for assistance if we don't have the money. (!) he tried making me feel guilty.. We're not doing enough to help him Yada Yada Yada...
    I quietly listened and said I'd be more than happy to mail him addresses of all family members and He can ask them for money.. That we had warned him numerous times if he ended up in jail (again) we would not help him financially and pay for a lawyer.
    Just then our time ran out. I won't be taking calls from him for a few days.... Argghhhhhh I'm so angry right now!!!
    Rant over.. Lol
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    :mobile1:You handled the call beautifully
  3. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    Thank you pasajes4!
  4. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    I'm just so mad because I'm left for the rest of what was a peaceful evening with my heart pounding... And will probably not sleep
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hey Jude, so sorry to hear of your continued troubles. Rough road we are all on here. Really, really rough. I remember how much my insides were full up with the insanity of it all. The key is to empty it out and let something else in.

    This is your song, the "her" or the something, is peace, and love, and time, and healing, or whatever you need to help you through all of this. So let it out and let it in.

    I do not know if it was my last encounter with my G-F-Gs (Gifts from God aka Difficult Adult Children), or, an accumulation of years of struggle, menopause, :919Mad:- but I have finally reached the point of no return and numbness. I am....DONE.

    The biggest, baddest red flag of "holy:poop: that is enough"

    was looking at my 14 year old son
    curled up in a fetal position ,
    bawling his eyes out
    with the frustration of it all.

    What was dialed in, turned on, radar, focused on the craziness and trying to.... what do we call it...help?
    All gone. Tuned out.

    I said to the good Lord, "You have given me these two blessings and I can't for the life of me figure them out, so please Lord, take them, I give them back to you."

    Whenever my thoughts turn to them, I say a very quick prayer. I have not seen or heard from them for two months now and I am not ashamed to say it has been....peaceful.
    I must say spending time here, sharing my story, thoughts, ideas, knowing there are others out there with similar trials, folks who have overcome, there are simply not enough words to express my gratitude for this site.

    so vital.....Which brings me to your post-

    I don't know if my two have mental illnesses, after years of drug use, by now, they probably do. What they have in common with your son-
    2.Drug Users
    3.Habitual liars
    4.Master manipulators.

    They are like puppeteers and the strings they use on us, their mothers, are our heartstrings. It is difficult to cut those strings, but cut them I had to.

    I had to let go and let God, because I have to be able to look into my 14 year old boys eyes and his future and be able to say that I did my darndest to make sure while he was under my care and my roof to make things right by him.

    To make it better.

    I pray for you in your situation, that you are able to focus on your two young ones.

    You have given your 23 year old your all. He is still managing to
    manipulate you from jail. He is tugging at those mama heartstrings with all of his might to draw you into the dilemma he put himself in and rob you of your peace.

    Peace is everything.

    Of all the things I regret losing by my years of helping...nay, say enabling, is my peace, and my sons peace.
    Then, topping the list right up there with peace.... is time.

    Your son, like my two are just on loan to us from God or whatever higher power you look to. They have to find their way, and they have to learn that we are not there for them to step all over in the finding of it.

    When our adult children are in dire straits,

    it seems like the end of the world.

    It is not.

    There is hope.

    They have to learn from the seeds they sow and the consequences they reap.

    We do not have to allow them to keep us at the end of our ropes.

    We have much more to live for.

    Hey Jude, you have value, you have worth.

    Find your peace, let it into your heart, under your skin.

    Vent away dear and then.....make it better.


    :staystrong: :notalone:

  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Jude, you did great!!
    He was trying to guilt you into helping and your response was just perfect. You put it back on him where it belongs.

    I know how difficult those phone calls can be. I remember my son telling me "if you loved me you would get me a decent lawyer and get me out of here" I told him I did love him and he followed that with "prove it, get me a lawyer" I told him I didn't need to prove my love to him and he hung up on me. Our DCs can be so manipulative.

    You are doing really well. Hang in there and thanks for sharing with us.
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  7. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    Thank you... Thank you so much.. I just need to hear from others that I am doing the right thing. Especially when I feel like I am losing my mind at times!
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You are not losing your mind, you are gaining strength.
    Stand firm in your resolve. You are doing the right thing. You have no control over how your son chooses to live his life. He made the choices to whatever it was that landed him in jail. His choice, his consequence, his responsibility to deal with it.

    Our DCs demand to be treated like adults even though they don't act like an adult and whenever they get in trouble they want mommy or daddy to come to the rescue. We as their parents cannot rescue them and we cannot change them. We have no control over them. All we have control over is how we choose to respond.

    You are doing great Jude!!
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  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Jude you are definitely doing the right thing.

    It is hard to stand firm. It is tough. It goes against our instincts to nurture.

    Mixed in between all of that is the fact that by standing firm you are teaching him, and you are nurturing him, you are showing him he is responsible for his choices, and the resulting consequences, you are teaching him that this is his life to live.

    We will not be around forever to help our adult children, to rescue them out of the rough spots they get themselves in to.

    Somewhere on this site there was a quote "Your children have wings.... and they know how to use them."

    It may scream against our instincts to set our adult children free by stopping the rescuing, but we are really telling them "You can do this, you can overcome and go down a different path. I have faith in you as an adult, to make better choices. You've got this."

    And so do you Jude, you've got this!

    Stand strong, you have seen the light way before I did as a parent of difficult adult children.
    Keep up the good work.

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  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Bravo, Jude, you are standing by your word. Standing firm.

    You are not only showing your son that you mean what you say, but also his brothers.

    You are one smart cookie!
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Change,even good changes, throw our equilibrium off. It takes time to readjust our center. When it involves another person, we spend a lot of time and energy worrying how this change will impact them. You are changing, growing, owning your life, and your son is not going to like it.
  12. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    I love this board.. Thank you all for your kind words... Advice and strength!