Just venting....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Enmeshedmom, Dec 17, 2017.

  1. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Nothing new has come up but I’m feeling soooo angry today. Truth be told I have been angry I think I have just been calling it something else that seemed kinder or made more sense like afraid or sad. Anything sounds better then royally pi#$ed but that is what I am. I am mad at my son for continuing to smoke pot after all the crap I have been through to try to stop it. Flushing it, taking his stuff away not allowing him to drive until he was old enough to take full responsibility, along with dozens of other things. But here we are today and he is still using it. I know it could be a lot worse, he works and is saving money for college blah, blah, blah but I’m still so mad. All that time I was so sure I was tackling the issue and doing my best and it doesn’t seem to have done a damn bit of good. My husband says it has but it just doesn’t show yet. I wish I could feel that way. I do feel like the knot in the pit of my stomach is starting to loosen up now that I am calling this feeling what it is so I guess that is a good thing. I’m going to get on the treadmill and walk until I feel like I have let some of this go. Thanks for listening
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Naming the feeling helps. Knowing that YOU do not own his problem can be freeing. He appears to be functioning and moving forward. You cant make him stop. He will have to come to that on his own. You can only decide if he is entitled to any of your recources while he is still using.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There are people who can function well on pot. He may be one of them. If you don't approve of it, all you can do is not give him any money. I don't think pot smokers quit because they don't believe it's bad for them. In fact it becomes worshipped, and all things wonderful and healthy...ugh.

    I wish you well.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2017
  4. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Thanks. I think Insteuggle so much with it because back when his father and I were together he was a heavy pot smoker and that was all he cared about(he was also using other stuff that I didn’t know about) now he is a heroin addict. Just the smell of it pi#$es me off. I think my son uses it to self medicate anxiety/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) because before he was smoking frequently he had been showing some signs of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) like at night before bed he had to check that all the doors were locked and the cars multiple times and locking the basement door every time he walked by it, excessive hand washing. And now he does not do that. So maybe in that sense he is functioning better, I just hate the idea of him being dependent on it. When I was a teenager I also smoked pot and thought it was great until one night I had my first panic attack while I was stoned, that started my battle with panic and anxiety. I could not ever smoke it again without having a panic attack (of course I tried) and I have been fighting it ever since. Initially I thought we maybe the same thing will happen to him and that will teach him, but I don’t want that to happen. It was debilitating for me for a couple years and I thought I was going crazy.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Trust me, I loathe pot. I don't even drink. I feel both are very bad for me.

    But as much as I hate it, pot is rather mainstream now. At least your son is productive. I would count my blessings.

    Love and hugs.
     
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I am not a fan of pot smoking either. My son loves it so much when he gets out of jail he wants to be a pot farmer.

    As SWOT said, there are some that do well on it and can function. At least your son is working and saving money for college. Hold onto that.

    One thing I have learned, I do not have to like the things my son does or the lifestyle he chooses to live but in order to maintain my own sanity, I've come to a place of acceptance. I accept that he's his own person and will live his life on his terms. I accept it but don't like it.

    ((HUGS))
     
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  7. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    So he gave his notice at his job and I guess his last day is Thursday. I asked if he filled out an application for a place that I told him was hiring and he responded that he couldn’t because they do pre employment drug screening. The anger is back, I didn’t react out of fear I was going to say something I regret so Instead started cleaning my house very aggressively! I didn’t even know it was possible to clean aggressively until I started doing it. I have a feeling the money he has saved is going to be spent while looking for another job now. I won’t give him one red cent, he should have thought about this when he gave his notice and started to prepare so that he could pass a screening.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    They have the common trait of impulsively doing something and not thinking about the future. After all, the Rescue Squad of Mom is always there (sigh). Or they think so. I am sorry your son did this and try to be good to YOU today!
     
  9. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    It is soooooo hard for me not to go off the deep end and react explosively but obviously that has not had the desired effect in the past.. so here I sit trying to think what if any action on my part is needed just yet or if I should just wait and see how he works this out on his own. Wait and see has never been easy for me but my gut is telling me that is what I should do.
     
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Sometimes it's just best to do nothing. Now is the time to allow natural consequences.
    This can be really hard but it can be the best thing to do. Of course this does not mean that your son will suddenly come to his senses and behave in a way more to your liking, it's just a way to work on detaching from his life choices.
    I've been at this a loooong time and what I can tell you is detaching is the best thing you can do for yourself. Detaching makes it much easier to stick to a plan of not giving money or rescuing them in any form.
    We as parents have zero control over how our adult children will live their lives. We don't have to like their choices but we also don't have to rescue them when it all starts to fall apart because of their poor choices.

    Hang in there!!

    This actually made me laugh!!
     
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  11. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Well yesterday I ended up in the emergency room because of chest pain I was convinced I was having a heart attack. After sitting in the er all day everything checked out ok with my heart, they think it was a spasm of my esophagus and or diaphragm. Although it happened while I was outside shoveling I am convinced that stress had something to do with it and it made realize that I really need to do something to manage my stress better. On the plus side my son is the one who took me to the hospital and he was very patient and did not complain at all. We even had some decent conversation. On the way home he said if I really want to hang out with him next time we could just go to lunch or something. Funny how seeing your life flash before your eyes can help to give you a little perspective.
     
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  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm sorry you had to go to the ER but glad you are OK.
     
  13. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Well I have just about had it! I smelled pot in my house tonight my son walked out of his room and I got a whiff of it. I very calmly approached him and said “I know you have weed in my house and I want it gone. If I smell it one more time we are going to talk about eviction.” And I walked away, I didn’t give him a chance to argue or deny it because he would. It’s the first time that I have kept my composure in a situation like this and didn’t do a bunch of yelling and crying and back peddling. On the one hand it feels good to be calm and not lose my shi* but on the other hand I don’t feel like I have gotten my point across.
     
  14. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Good for you!

    It’s the simplest thing and because it’s old-fashioned, too, I think we evolved parents can’t accept its truth, without substantial over-thinking.

    You live life on the terms of the people who are paying for you, or you “are liberated to live life on your own terms.” as someone recently put it so aptly on the board.

    You’re right that it might not have sunk in. But it won’t sink until you actually stick to your guns, unfortunately. They’ve played the manipulation game far longer than we have been willing to go old-fashioned.

    But they learn quickly.
     
  15. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    I'm sorry you are going through this. I have a 19 year old daughter who has unfortunately turned to pot for anxiety/depression. And recreation. She does not have a job and has self sabotaged by quitting high school end of senior year. She is now 3/4 homeless-couchsurfing 1/4 here at our house. She is home for Christmas and like you, I caught a big whiff of weed when she opened her door today. I'm angry too. At everything. The pot culture....nonchalant attitude. My daughter for throwing away her opportunities. If my daughter was working and had goals I probably wouldn't mind as much if she smoked it. I hope one day she gets bored with her lifestyle. Unfortunately there's not much we can do besides not give money (which it sounds like you don't because he works) and not allow them to live in our home. I'm not ready for that yet. She's not here much as it is. But it does make me feel sick that she can't even stop using it for a few days. You are not alone.
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion calmness and NOT crying is important or we lose our credibility with them. Rather than getting the point across, I think screaming and hysteria makes them tune us out and wonder if we are sane. I learned not to let them see me sweat.

    I also learned to follow through on what I said to gain respect and credibility. This didn't mean I didn't cry alone, but not around them. Not anymore. Not for a very long time.

    They don't care about our words. They don't believe them. They believe what they see us do. Not our endless threats that we don't carry out. Just like we dont believe they are going to change until we see it. Words dont have value. Actions do.

    I'm a big believer in "actions speak louder than words."

    You did great :) although I would have searched his room and gotten rid of the pot. Pot isn't allowed under my roof, legal or not. I threw out much pot and cigarettes.
     
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  17. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    If it had been earlier in the day and not right before I was going to bed I would have gone after it. But I could feel my chest starting to tighten up and didn’t want another episode like I had on Tuesday so I didn’t go there. And I know I couldn’t have done that at the moment without hitting the roof.
     
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am glad you did what you were able to do. You know yourself best and none of us need to get sick. You did GREAT. My daughter did much more than pot and I threw out bags of stuff I couldn't even identify and then just bawled in my room. If I confronted my daughter she was (cough) "holding it for a friend." So I just flushed it and Daughter never dared initiate a conversation about it.
     
  19. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Thanks. I’m almost done reading Codependent No More and I feel my strength coming back to me. I think my calmness is going to make him a little more nervous than when I’m angry and ranting because he isn’t use to it. I also signed up for a pottery class yesterday so I have something to look forward to for me. Momma is done playing games.
     
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  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Anger makes us look crazy and out of control. My mom was a screamer with hysteria. When she started up, I tuned her out and thought of different things. It didn't penetrate. The only thing firm in my mind was "crazy biotch." Not nice of mr but she acted insane. She never tried to think mindfully before speaking nor could she be logical when upset. Calm logic would have scared me, like maybe she was serious.

    And I never did drugs and I tried to be home for curfew. Usually made it or I at least called. Her biggest screaming fits were false accusations about drugs and sex (never did either) and her biggest hysteria of all ..i dated boys who weren't Jewish. The ranting failed. My two husbands were not Jewish, nor am I. The religion is fine, but it doesn't resonate with me so I, at this late date, sometimes forget my parents were Jewish. I am spiriitual not tied to any religion.
    You can't scream your values into your adult and get what you want unless the adult child wants it too.

    Calm rules :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2017