Just walk away----------sure.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by wakeupcall, Feb 7, 2008.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    husband is out of town, one lousy night, and difficult child went off the deep end. I nearly had a nervous breakdown with his escapades as they escalated. (Maybe I'm just not good for him.) I remembered, "Just walk away.." So-- I did, and he followed me, banged on the door, kicked the door, screamed into it, etc. What is one supposed to do? It just went from bad to worse, I cried (hard), I look like h*** this morning and have to get to work. As difficult child started calming (if one would call it that) I got a pad of paper and wrote at the top: The reasons I should not be sent to a place where I could learn better manners are:


    He honestly filled it out and wrote all these flattering things about me and what a good mom I am (sure) and how much he loves me (sure). I hate putting the fear in him, but lord, if I can't help him NOT behave this way, then maybe someone else should. These events don't happen often, but when they do, oh maaaaan. I have taken his cell phone (he absolutely loves it), and forbidden him to play with his friend for a week. (Coming home from this friend's house is what started this thing.) I probably won't tell husband because he feels guilty going out of town (which he very seldom has to do with his job), of course then I have no one to share this with except you guys since I have no family who cares and definitely no friends.

    I'm tired. How could I have handled this better? Please help.:sad-very:
  2. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Oh Pamela,

    Hugs for your weary soul. :( I think you did fine....I probably would not have shut the door though. At times I could just shut out difficult child, continue to speak calmly to him, and the bluster would go out of him.....at times. Didn't work always but sometimes it did. When he would see that he couldn't get a rise out of me he would chill....sometimes. :)

    My difficult child would gain power from my reactions...sad as that sounds it is the truth and when I took that power away he didn't know how to handle it. :)

    It is a learning process and believe me I know how painful it is.

    More hugs.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    good morning,

    i'm sorry to hear that you had a rough time last night with-him. how did it start exactly? I know with mine it requires a no from me and then it begins.

    i don't have any magic answers i really don't. i just wanted to say i know how hard it can be waking up like that and having to get to work. you should tell husband you shouldn't keep it from him, he loves you adn would want to know.

    i'm not as familiar with your situation as i'd like to be. how old is he? is he on medications? does he have a diagnosis?

    i think having him right it is a good thing, at least thats what i think yet i'm not sure id' list it as manners. is it reallly manners when he's kicking in doors? that's violent stuff my little difficult child at 8 has done it obviously not as scarey yet as she grows i'm sure it will be.

    it's hard to control it i'm learning if there are no medications in place. it sounds to me like you did a good job, he calmed eventually you had him right things down i thought that was great idea.

    how's he been this morning for you?

    hugs to you

    Jen :)
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Pam, I am so sorry to hear how horrible it was to be in your house last night. been there done that. I don't find the idea that I couldn't do for my child what I should all that strange anymore.
    The idea that a regular person can go toe to toe,over and over,day after day almost crazy looking back.
    I told difficult child that my job was to raise a law abiding, decent adult and if he couldn't learn from his parents then someone else was going to do it. Needless to say, I had to follow up my consequence with action.
    Looking back, I should have done it sooner.
    difficult child's dysfunction permeates the family until everyone has bought into it. It's dangerous and very damaging to everyone including difficult child.
    Don't feel bad that he has brought you to the point that having someone else try to instill civility. It is the only chance to make him a productive member of society. Which is really our goal. Right?
    I don't believe any child should be sent away in a parents fit of rage. It is then punishment. It should be because what you are doing isn't working and you want desparately to have your child function in society.
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry Pam, big {{{hugs}}} for you.
  6. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I think you handeled things well, I liked the "writing it down" thing. We can only do the best we can with the tools we have. been there done that some days are really fine, but the blow-ups seem to take all the warm fuzzy feelings away. I hope today is a better day! ((HUGS)) Sorry it was such a rough night!!
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, I would remind him that love doesn't abdicate appropriate behavior. They have nothing to do with one another. We truly love very few people in our lives, and know even less people. Is he suggesting that we get to behave outrageously with anyone we don't know and love? Or is he saying that we get to treat the people we love worse than anyone else in the world because our love negates the necessity to be nice. Either way, he's got it wrong and I'd call him on it.

    He's 12 and he has a cell phone? I suppose you have already made that decision, but I hope that the use of it is definitively tied to behavior, grades, etc.

    As for not telling your husband, you might want to head over to the Parent Emeritus forum where a recurrent theme this week is that those of us with older kids are regretting that we didn't keep our husbands in the loop because he never understood, didn't back us up, and he had to do catch-up to how outrageous our kids were when we had finally gotten to the point that we had given up. I'm sure your husband feels guilty, but not telling him won't help, and it doesn't allow him to help you fix the problem. It also gives difficult child free rein to do whatever he wants to you knowing that you will be his protector from his father.

  8. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Do you think it was coincident that it happened when husband was away????My money is on difficult child is a smart cookie and knows he can wear you down without the support of husband. The first thing when husband gets home, tell him what happened....he has every right to know what's going on......You must have a united front and it is easier to face all this stuff if you have an Alli........of course he will be called out of town again and no doubt without a plan the same thing will happen......please for the sake of your marriage, difficult child's chances of facing realities of consequences and for your own sanity SHARE what happened with your husband!!!!!
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I am so sorry you are enduring difficult child. One suggestion I would make with your consequences is to shorten the length of time he is grounded from friends. It sounds almost contrary = but our kids do better with shorter more frequent punitive states. The urge to scream "YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR EVER AND EVER AMEN" have been overwhelming. The reality of life is I too got angry and had to back up my mouth when I've said "You are grounded for ONE WEEK."

    In hind site - I have learned that I need to wait when he does something and calm MYSELF down. Then I give a shorter punishment or chore. What has happened is that he can handle 3 days of grounding and is NOT in my face for something to do instead, it's not the end of the world it's 3 days, it's short term so when there is another infraction he knows it's going to be 3 days - unless I choose to make it longer, and he doesn't get into MORE trouble in the mean time because he is bored - which has always turned into 1 more week and one more week and honestly I dont' want him in the house until the 4th of July - but if I do three days? It sends the message and gets him out of my hair.

    I don't know if this would work for your son, but we tried the 3-4 day groundings instead of week - 2 weeks and it seemed to work better with dude. (nothing works really well, this just was a better deal for all)


    Oh and when he follows you = the next time - get in the car and leave - Start it up and drive away. He's 12 - he can handle being in the house for 10 minutes alone. You get 10 minutes to cool down, listen to the radio and not have a little booger banging on your door or window.

    The first time I did this to Dude - it freaked him out. I said nothing, got in the car - drove down the road - drove back and when I got home he left me alone. He jokingly said "Why did you leave?" and I said "because I needed to be alone and you wouldn't give me that courtesy."

  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    You have to harden yourself to walk away.....literally. kt follows me to the ends of the earth in the midst of a meltdown. husband will tag off & tell me to take 5. I do - however it takes a good 20 minutes for me to get that 5.

    And I deserve it. I always grab my house keys & cell phone & step out onto the front or back porch. Never leave the property.

    And I hear kt crying like an infant "mommy, mommy, mommy" & pounding on the door. I must do this - I must walk away. And I have a plan & backup to do this most days.

    difficult child is bullying you - it's time to take this little bully on. You know this is nothing more than emotional abuse - the more he gets away with it, the worse it will get. You & husband must be united on your response - however, you will have to get through to your difficult child that you are the mom & you will not tolerate this.

    We've also had to back down on consequences - wm had dug himself a hole so deep he couldn't see daylight. We had to make the consequence for this behavior manageable for him. Don't care what's age appropriate or what therapist recommends; I only use it for my kids if it works.

    Good luck.
  11. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    All of you are lifesavers....what can I say? It helps soooooo much to vent on here and get some suggestions from those of you who have been there done that and have cool heads on your shoulders.

    I took his phone for the day. He just got it for his 12th birthday in Oct. and really loves it (doesn't abuse it's use at all). This morning before school he sent me an email telling me how sorry he was that he behaved like he did. I told him "I'm sorry" doesn't save it all, but thanks anyway.

    I honestly did get my keys out to leave for awhile last evening, but he was so LOUD I was afraid the neighbors would call the police! LOL

    husband very seldom goes out of town and I'm afraid he would jeopardize his job and refuse to go if he knows how bad it was. On the other hand, he needs to know why difficult child is grounded, etc., I agree. We are very united in his discipline....and again, difficult child usually acts this way with me, not husband. I guess he's "afraid" of husband and not me.

    It all started so innocently...he didn't come home when he was told (this is an ongoing problem) and instead called me at the appointed time (he ALWAYS does this) and I hung up on him. We had discussed this in length before he ever left. Then to add to it, he was practicing his trumpet and thought it soooo cute to blow it in the living room where I had asked him to PLEASE let me watch this ONE hour of tv....then he blew it at our two Yorkies (I worry about their ears). I told him to go to his room to practice trumpet and do his reading. (Afterall, he has NO homework besides trumpet and reading per his IEP, so I hardly think it's too much to ask.) Then he threw a pillow at me which makes the dogs bark because they are protecting me (all the time I'm trying to watch tv), then he has a large styrofoam airplane that he glided into my face. I promptly picked it up and smashed it into a million pieces....fuming (real grown up, huh?). At that time I set the burglar alarm, went to my room, removed my makeup and got into bed to watch tv. I told him that I frankly didn't care what he did!!! Cried and cried and cried and cried. Oh, you know, it goes on and on.

    Linda? Emotional abuse? ABSOLUTELY!! I have suffered it since the day the little darling was born. He came home from school today hanging his head and his tail between his legs....still apologizing for his abhorrent behavior.

    I'm too old for this. I wonder if he will EVER be a law-abiding, decent human being with a real place in this world. If I hadn't already raised two other wonderful, respectful children, I would think I couldn't do this properly....and if he'd been the first, I'd NEVER have had another!! Thank goodness I know better.

    Nature vs Nurture.....if the reseachers ever want to ask me I could give them an earful!:919Mad:
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, maybe it's time for the two of you to figure out how he can earn his phone back. With the understanding that it will go the way it came in a flash if he tests you.
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending gentle hugs your way.