just wanting opinions

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Feb 17, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    So I haven't heard from my Difficult Child for a few days and I always take that two ways....It is a relief to not hear all the drama, but wandering what's going on, especially with my grandson. I read another article on borderline personality disorder, which I think describes my daughter to a tee. But every time I read one of these articles I go into guilt mode! What if this really is something she can't control, maybe it is a mental illness, and I am turning my back on her! What if there isnt really something or someone out there that can help her? Am I doing the wrong thing by keeping my distance with her? I know what everyone will say, but I am having a weak moment It all just makes me so sad !!!!
  2. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    I keep distance from my Borderline (BPD) daughter for my own sanity. The way my therapist described it is that while she has a hard time regulating her emotions, she DOES know right from wrong. When she is hateful, spiteful, blaming, she knows that she is wrong. But her behaviors are "reinforced" when people react. Whether it is reacting by giving in to her and trying to "help," or giving in and reacting to her dramatics. My therapist suggested that I detach and continually put everything back on her or even hang up/walk away when she gets abusive. She likened it to "being a robot," not letting my daughter see fear, anger, hurt of any kind - just staying blank - without seeming completely emotionless. She said it forces the Borderline (BPD) to learn that their methods of behavior no longer work. They may try increasing and escalating tactics to force the reactions they have always gotten, and oh my daughter has, but by consistently not "rewarding" her manipulations and abuse forces her to look for new ways to interact. Of course, as long as others react to her in ways that work, she just shuts me out. And that is ok. They will eventually get tired of it and she will run out of those who feed her ways of behavior.

    I keep conversations short and sweet, I give her nothing personal that she can turn back on me later, I am non-committal and refuse to get trapped into obligations, and I make myself "boring" to her by not reacting to her dramatic stories or even finding excuses to hang up. I am clear and concise without ever showing emotion. I leave the tears and anger for when I am alone.

    Learn as much as you can and if possible, see someone yourself. Those who are enmeshed with BPDs often suffer PTSD. I have learned to love my daughter - from a safe distance.
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  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    ST, I am sorry you are feeling so sad. It is a darned if you do, darned if you don't kind of thing. You know what girl? Your daughter knows just how to push your buttons, like mine. Call, don't call. Drown me with too much information, then nothing at all. It's a no brainer that they have got us going around in circles.......

    I know, it is hard when things just don't figure. But you know what ST, if it's drug use or Borderline (BPD), we, you and I, are not equipped to deal with the issues of it. We are not equipped to deal with any of this stuff.
    We know this.
    Because we have tried so many times and it didn't work......
    I really and truly just want to be the cookie baking grandma......
    I am not turning my back
    to my adult children.
    I am standing there with my plate of cookies saying,
    I am a cookie baker, booboo fixer, mom, grandma.
    I love you.
    Please go get yourself some help, because this is way beyond my league.
    Way, way beyond my league.
    So I stand with my front to my adult children
    and tell them I cannot help them.
    Because it is true, I cannot.

    Well, I don't have a degree in all of this, how could I begin to help?
    There are people out there, who can help.
    If I put my plate of cookies down
    and said one more time,
    come on home, it would definitely FAIL.

    So, I hold on to my cookies.

    That's what I decided when my Tornado took my grands with her six months ago.
    After the initial shock, hurt and intense pain of it subsided,
    I decided I wanted to be the cookie baking grandma.
    I didn't want to be rescue grandma.
    I failed miserably in that department.
    I just wasn't equipped.
    I knew I couldn't control anything she did.
    I knew I was WAY in over my head with all of the domestic violence stuff.
    All of the stuff through all of the years
    stressed and aged me way more than a two term President.

    So I made a promise to myself, if she ever calls again with plans to come home,
    I will direct her to a DV shelter. There, she could get professional help, and so could the kids.

    I can be the cookie baking grandma I should be.

    There are tons of agencies out there. There are people out there ST.
    It is theirs for the asking.
    IF they keep asking us, depending on us,
    and we try to help with our limited skills and resources,
    we are preventing them from getting the help they really need.

    If it helps you to feel better, call 211, and see what is available in your daughters area.
    Make a list and have it ready if she asks.

    It is okay ST, we all have our moments
    when this all just piles up and whoops us in our hearts.
    Let it out.
    I am glad you wrote of it here.

    Do you have faith in a higher power?
    When I find myself feeling sad and worried,
    overwhelmed by the whole mess, I say a prayer.

    Or, I will do what you have done and post about it.
    Even if you know what some folks will say,
    at least you also know, these people really, really care and understand.
    You are not alone, I have been right there where you are.
    I still haven't heard from my Tornado, or the grands, going on six months now.

    I am still depending on you to give me a reminder, if that call comes.

    You can get through this ST. You are way stronger than you think.
    I am right here with you.
    Take care dear.
    Let it out.

  4. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you all soooooooo much!!!! I wish I would have found you alot sooner!! You are better than seeing a therapist because you have been through it all and I find comfort in that!! I wish we could all meet one day!! like a Parent Emeritis reunion LOL it would be fun!
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We used to meet at various locations every other year. I never went. First of all there was the money. Secondly, I wasnt sure it would be good for me to give up my anonminity. But for those who may want to meet, it can happen. Post it on the watercooler and see if there is interest if you are serious.

    Trying to help;)
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi So, I'm chiming in a little late.
    The love you have for your daughter is very deep and because of that your pain is also very deep.
    Even if your daughter had an official diagnosis of mental illness there is still nothing you can do to change it and that is nothing to feel guilty about.
    One thing that has helped me to let go is to remind myself that the sooner I let go and allow my son to figure out how to live his life on his own the better because I will not always be here. I hope to live to be a wrinkly old woman but I could also get hit by a bus tomorrow. My intervening in my sons life does him no favors.
    You have been doing really well in limiting your contact. It is hard when we first start to detach in that we are happy to not hear from them for a few days yet we can't help but wonder what is going on. We are detoxing from them and their chaos.

    I hope you are doing wonderful things just for you!!

    ((HUGS)) to you dear friend.