Just when you think it's safe to pick up the phone.............

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Dec 14, 2012.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ...............difficult child calls and is hysterical. I was at work and she was on the other end of the phone sobbing so hard I couldn't understand her. All I could make out was that she wanted to "hear my voice." This was yesterday morning. After she calmed down some, she told me she was on her way to talk to a store owner about a job, when the town police pulled her over, handcuffed her, put her in the back of the police car and searched her car. They asked her for her cell password and looked through her phone. They detained her for over an hour while she sat in the police car sobbing. She had done nothing wrong except that she had that bogus charge last year when she was given a box with stolen goods in it and sent to jail. Apparently, that gives the police the right to pull her over at any time for anything and search the car. When they finally left, she sat in the car and called me, she couldn't calm down, she thought she was going back to jail. I won't get into my opinions about the police, that's a whole other thread..............she is trying to pull her life back from the edge and is continually met with opposition. She said she had no where where she feels safe. Her roommate is my age but abuses Valium and when she runs out of her monthly dose, for those couple of days, she flips out and goes nuts and takes it out on my daughter. So, she doesn't feel safe in that environment, and she doesn't like to drive since we live in a small town and the police can pull her over, like, yesterday, for nothing.

    I listened to her upset for a long time, she was near hysterical. I had no answers or solutions, all I could do was listen and try to be a calming Mom. After about 1/2 an hour she calmed down and was appreciative for my simply being there. I got off the phone and felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. My brain went south. I spent some time trying to stop my desire to save her. Recently, there was a post here where mothers talked about how much better they could run their kids lives, but, of course, don't. I sat at my desk just thinking to myself, it would be easier for me if I just got her an apartment, paid all her bills and called it a day. This high drama just takes me out. The entire rest of the day I was worried and angry at the situation, the police, so incredibly sad for my difficult child who was doing nothing wrong but trying to get a job..................

    I woke up today feeling sad for her. I haven't stepped back into any enabling or behavior which is detrimental, but man, this feels bad. Today, I am a battle weary Mom with a very sad heart. I am powerless to change the situation. I don't know that there is anything more difficult then to be on the sidelines watching your child's life explode and implode and not be able to fix it................and know you can't and know you won't either........... but it's just so darn sad. I could really use some support, this can be so hard.............I am a sad Mom today..............
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2012
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member


    I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. And I understand it completely. I also feel sad for your daughter having tough time. I do hope she is still able to continue trying.

    In the same time I (very selfishly) dread that I too will be still answering those calls twenty years from now. I just got one yesterday like I wrote in the other post. And an idea getting those twenty years from now... Wow, I'm so sorry!
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Most of this, yes, there is no choice but to step back from. It's hard. Like SuZir, that could be me in 10 or 20 years, too.

    But... the police? Really? They are allowed to be that brutal? Yes, it is brutal when you handcuff a non-threatening non-violent female... there is absolutely NO excuse for their behavior AFTER they pulled her over. Whether or not they have the right to pull her over, how she is treated is just as important... and in my opinion warrants a complaint. It's probably just officers who have no idea about mental illness, which should trigger some training. But... it is simply not right.
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry RE. It is a punch in the gut when our kids are in pain, easy child or difficult child. It is a mom reaction. Shake it off! That is all we can do.

    I absolutely hate that feeling when the phone rings and it is difficult child...that moment of dread...ugh!
  5. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I too dreaded the phone calls from difficult child. The little over a year when he was clean and sober I finally looked forward to his calls. He was sincerely sorry for the troubles and pains he had put me through. He even asked his sister what he could do to make amends to me. I told him I had forgiven him many years ago and just wanted the best for him.

    NOW he has regressed and is back to his old tricks - but this time everything is MY fault! here we go again - except this time I am putting me first.

    I know first hand about the police. It's like any other profession there are good and bad. But, from my experiences there are too many with the 'John Wayne' syndrome. They probably believe she was guilty and got away with it. No excuse for harrassment! At one of our local parades (with loads of alcohol consumption) a brother took his special needs older brother (both around 30yo). After the parade festivities the SN brother sat on the curb while the other brother went inside a bar and grill to order food.

    Two police officers came up and ordered the SN's brother to get off the curb. He didn't move fast enough and they shoved him, he fell on the curb breaking his teeth. He was so scared he tried to walk away and find his brother so they tried to subdue him with a taser. They arrested him for being drunk and disorderly and his brother comes back as they are driving away.

    The young man was special needs and was not drinking. When the family hired a lawyer they were told by the police department that the brother should have not left him alone. The public was out raged and the police still did not drop the charges. When he went to court it was thrown out and the department was ordered to train the officers in ways to recognize and handle special needs citizens.

    If this family had not been wealthy I think this case would have turned out much differently - but they had the money to raise h*** and hire expensive lawyers. I never did!!
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I understand your anger and frustration. We, too, have police who seek out opportunities to harrass anyone who has had any contact with "the system" in the past. Truly, in my humble opinion, it is legalized bullying and most often there are no consequences unless you are very wealthy. It's so sad and frightening even for those of us who don't have issues.

    Having someone who loves you, listen to you when you are in crisis is so valuable. I know it left you a wreck but I'm sure she was able to move on with her day thanks to your support. Many hugs. DDD
  7. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    That is just so sad. Poor difficult child - she wasn't looking for trouble, just trying to get a job and get it together, and she's fragile to begin with. I put myself in her shoes, and I would be hysterical too, and I don't face the challenges of your difficult child. It is a hard world sometimes. I'm sure she's so grateful you could speak with her and calm her down. How is she today?
    I'd be so worried about her, too, because almost certainly, fragile people are victimized - it's like Dickens sometimes.
    I could never visualize my brother living on his own. He's in an adult home, where meals are provided, doctors come to the residents, etc. The place is basically "crazy town" but they are safe, they have each other, and it's been a livable compromise. Only downside is they take his entire SS disability check, and all incidentals and clothing, etc. are covered by husband and me.
    I am a big fan of police, but in this case, that was uncalled for. So very sorry for difficult child and you. Big hugs.
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That sounds so scary and I would have been a puddle if I was her (or you) too. You did beautifully! I'm glad that she didn't have anything on her and they let her go but gosh....just seems so excessive.

    I recently called our police lieutenant to ask about whether or not they would want to know about the positive behavior initiative that Q is being a part of and this guy said he knew about Q! I can't remember if I posted but I had butt dialed the police a few months ago and they came out and we were fine but it happened to be summer, and the man who came was the local school resource officer. He sat and talked to Q and when Q rode his bike I explained we had just moved here and I have had to call 911 for real and why..... He then brought it up at report and this lt. remembered. He said they discuss anything beyond traffic stops and he sends his staff to special needs training classes whenever he can. He had just sent five officers to a class. Wont help if he has a meltdown in the towns bordering us (though I have experienced good police in two other of the adjoining cities) but for our home, it is nice to know. But I always feel....it only takes ONE dumb donkey to handle things insensitively. Honestly. It is a scary world even when the "good guys" are involved.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Buddy? Where's the LIKE button!!!

    Unfortunately, the "dumb donkey" (sorry, Star...) exists in way more places than just police... as you and I and many on this board know only too well...

    (Star... Your donkey isn't "dumb"... so none of this applies to you or YOUR donkey... K?)
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    yes, the smart donkeys are off the hook
  11. RE - What a difficult day for both you and your daughter. It sounds to me like you handled yourself brilliantly and your daughter was able to calm down and continue with her day. A victory in handling a tough situation for herself. And for you too - you helped her, comforted her but did not rescue or enable her. Way to go Mom!!!

    Hugs and prayers. I hope your daughter gets the job she was looking for.
  12. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Kudos to you for remaining calm - its probably one of the hardest things to do as one is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Danny has been pretty drama free for a long while, but my heart went into my throat after a call last month with him asking "are the police at your house?" I went to go look and told him no, why. He was pulling in front of a friends house to attend a BBQ and all of a sudden out of no where there were cop cars and cops with guns trained on him. They took him out of his car and put him in their car and then told him they were going to search his car and was that ok and if not they were going to do it anyway. Asked him if he had pot in the car and he said yes and gave them his MJ card. They didn't find anything, took him out of their car and said thanks, have a nice nite and drove off - never said WHY they stopped him. Thankfully all he was was irritated, and went to the station the next day to file a complaint :) If that had happened a few years ago it would not have turned out the same.

    Even though it was all over nothing, it still brought a lot of old bad feelings up for a while. I told SO my biggest fear when the boys were out were the police with guns, not other people they were hanging with.

    Am sorry she had to go thru all that.