Sheesh. I can't even come up with a title for this thread. I'll come back to that later. This could be a very long post, but I'm tired, drained and exhausted. So, I'll try to keep it short. difficult child asked when school started back. That started the events of the night. A bunch of crying, her trying to explain, her telling me I don't understand, I'm not her, her telling me that she keeps trying and trying to explain how and what she's feeling, but she doesn't know how. I could go on. Of course, this lasted well over 2 hours. In the end, though, we actually came to some kind of resolution of sorts. Maybe 'resolution' isn't the right word. The circular reasoning/argument/thinking/whatever went on for a bit like always. But at the end, there was a lot more understanding on both our parts. Even she said we had never gotten this far before. But, some of the things she told me tonight - things I hadn't heard before - absolutely broke my heart. She has some degree of paranoia. I don't know how you would classify it. She called it her 'mean memory'. Nightmares that she had when she was 6, scary movies or previews on tv that she saw years ago, scary books she's read, etc, will just pop into her head. (by the way, her definition of 'scary' is not what most of us would consider scary.) She said at night she hears every noise in the house and she's afraid to walk around the house at night. She said she feels sometimes like she has to look over her shoulder. She tries to think something positive, but the negative thoughts pop into her head and she can't push them away. When she walks by someone standing alone, she's afraid they're going to hurt her. She sees their face and they look mean or angry. But, the thing that shook me up the most was the whispers. She said when she was in regular school, she'd be sitting in class or walking down the hall and she'd hear 'voices' whispering her name. She'd turn around and look and no one was there or no one was talking. Of course, you get that feeling where your heart has skipped a beat and your blood runs cold. I questioned her and it only happened when she was in brick and mortar school and never anywhere else; and it was only her name she heard. That reassured me. Her anxiety/panic was so sky high in regular school that it made sense. She is adamant, adamant, adamantly against medications. She has a good handle on what is going on with her. She has a lot of insight - a lot more than I thought. She just could never articulate it. She knows what she wants to fix in her life, but doesn't know how to go about doing it. Her anxiety is way, way better than it used to be. It still rears it's ugly head, but she is much better at coping with it. While part of me wants my daughter to be happy and wants to force the medications, another part of me - a bigger part - tells me that this is her journey and she has to find her way with my support. Therapy is the route she wants to go. As long as she is not a danger to herself, I will support that. And maybe because I've been there done that with all of these things myself - and at a younger age than her (with the paranoid thinking) - I'm not freaking out. I mean, I did at first; although, I didn't show it. But, since I've been there I'm not automatically thinking psychosis or anything like that. So.....a lot of revelations tonight. A lot of new understanding. A lot more sense of security for her, I think.