Just when you thought they couldn't surprise you anymore....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, Jan 2, 2009.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Sheesh. I can't even come up with a title for this thread. I'll come back to that later.

    This could be a very long post, but I'm tired, drained and exhausted. So, I'll try to keep it short.

    difficult child asked when school started back. That started the events of the night. A bunch of crying, her trying to explain, her telling me I don't understand, I'm not her, her telling me that she keeps trying and trying to explain how and what she's feeling, but she doesn't know how. I could go on.

    Of course, this lasted well over 2 hours. In the end, though, we actually came to some kind of resolution of sorts. Maybe 'resolution' isn't the right word. The circular reasoning/argument/thinking/whatever went on for a bit like always. But at the end, there was a lot more understanding on both our parts. Even she said we had never gotten this far before.

    But, some of the things she told me tonight - things I hadn't heard before - absolutely broke my heart.

    She has some degree of paranoia. I don't know how you would classify it. She called it her 'mean memory'. Nightmares that she had when she was 6, scary movies or previews on tv that she saw years ago, scary books she's read, etc, will just pop into her head. (by the way, her definition of 'scary' is not what most of us would consider scary.) She said at night she hears every noise in the house and she's afraid to walk around the house at night. She said she feels sometimes like she has to look over her shoulder. She tries to think something positive, but the negative thoughts pop into her head and she can't push them away. When she walks by someone standing alone, she's afraid they're going to hurt her. She sees their face and they look mean or angry.

    But, the thing that shook me up the most was the whispers. She said when she was in regular school, she'd be sitting in class or walking down the hall and she'd hear 'voices' whispering her name. She'd turn around and look and no one was there or no one was talking. Of course, you get that feeling where your heart has skipped a beat and your blood runs cold. I questioned her and it only happened when she was in brick and mortar school and never anywhere else; and it was only her name she heard. That reassured me. Her anxiety/panic was so sky high in regular school that it made sense.

    She is adamant, adamant, adamantly against medications. She has a good handle on what is going on with her. She has a lot of insight - a lot more than I thought. She just could never articulate it. She knows what she wants to fix in her life, but doesn't know how to go about doing it. Her anxiety is way, way better than it used to be. It still rears it's ugly head, but she is much better at coping with it.

    While part of me wants my daughter to be happy and wants to force the medications, another part of me - a bigger part - tells me that this is her journey and she has to find her way with my support. Therapy is the route she wants to go. As long as she is not a danger to herself, I will support that.

    And maybe because I've been there done that with all of these things myself - and at a younger age than her (with the paranoid thinking) - I'm not freaking out. I mean, I did at first; although, I didn't show it. But, since I've been there I'm not automatically thinking psychosis or anything like that.

    So.....a lot of revelations tonight. A lot of new understanding. A lot more sense of security for her, I think.
    Lasted edited by : Feb 14, 2009
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Wow, what a great "talk" you had with her. She has tremendous insight, and I would also support her decision to go the therapy route first. That's excellent that she recognizes this problems and is willing to see someone to try to work them out.

    Do you already have someone who sees her? Or is this a new care provider you will have to seek out? I hope you find someone who is a good fit for her and that she can start seeing them very soon.
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thanks, Gcvmom. It was a very productive 'talk'.

    We've been working on finding someone for some time. We really need someone local, as with my health I don't know from one day to the next how I'll be. I may not be able to do 30-45 minute drives once a week.

    County mental health said they weren't taking new patients. But, I'm thinking that just may be for psychiatry. I'll call again on Monday and ask about therapy. In the meantime, our GP is working on getting a referral (for insurance purposes) to Children's Behavioral Health. I know they have a wait list and I have no idea which facility I would go to. The closest one is about 30 minutes away. There is only one other therapist locally on our insurance and I don't know if she sees kids. The two times I've called they weren't taking new patients...meaning they weren't even scheduling ahead. First they said until November. When I called in November they said they didn't know how much longer it would be. So, I'm going to try them again, too.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Every chance we get to know how and what our kids are thinking helps to give us insight into what they need from us.
    Good for you both.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Heather, it sounds like it was an exhausting session, but in the end, productive.

    I understand your feelings about wanting to let your daughter have control in this. I think it's wise to let her feel a strong sense of ownership of her treatment/management, but I do feel she is going to need someone beside her on this walk. She is still a child, you still could force the issue. She needs to know this, so she will value your gift to her of letting her make the decisions.

    What I suggest you do, is probably what you are already doing - do the homework for her, on what her range of options are. She does need to talk to some health professional about this, to find out what she should do. Living like she is now, is not the best option - she is fearful, unhappy, looking over her shoulder. It can be better than this, she needs to have the chance to take a break from the stress. I understand her fear of medications - I have the same fear and flatly refuse to take anything that will affect the one bit of me I feel I have some control over - my mind. I had a psychiatrist strongly recommend various medications when I was suffering PTSD and flashbacks, but I insisted I needed to do it my way.

    It's a long journey, but hopefully you're now both heading in the right direction.

    She's a very bright girl, also very strong in her own way. Give her credit for this, tell her so and make sure she has you as part of her team.

  6. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Heather,
    Wynter's experiences and fears and anxiety remind me of my difficult child 2/easy child's somewhat. My dtr also will not take medications--she did try them but didn't like how they made her feel at all. She has been quite depressed over this break, we were up in the middle of the night talking for a couple of hours last night.

    My dtr is seeing a therapist who is doing EMDR with her and it does seem to be helping though it is a long process and he has said she will feel worse before she feels better. She has voices in her head that argue with each other and tell her she is "bad." She used to think she saw a man in our house who would tell her to do bad things. She was scared to get out of bed. She has come a long way since those days and now understands the voices and the man are all parts of herself that are not integrated into her core self.

    Anyway, I think you are on the right track and I hope she can talk to a professional who will "get" who she is. She is lucky to have you on her side!


    I am really glad you got further than usual with the talk
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    While reading your post I envisioned Nichole and I with one of our marathon talk sessions. They can be very draining for both of us. But usually very productive in the end. Most especially for her as it lets her get her Thoughts out on the table and really take a good look at them. While I'm mostly there just to guide her along because I don't take sides in such talks.

    And yeah, about an hour in I start feeling like a therapist. :tongue: lol

    They are so productive for Nichole because she never completely trusts any therapist or psychiatrist no matter how well she likes them. Which means she's never completely honest with them. This is all thanks to one psychiatrist telling her she was lying about hearing voices and seeing people back when she was 15. (nice, huh) And sinse I don't freak out no matter what she tells me.........she has no apprehension telling me anything.

    I understand the medication issue. Nichole hates them. Although even she agrees that during the time she was on them, she needed them. But she's determined now to learn ways of coping that don't involve medications, and she's doing well. But also agrees that she would return to medications if she ever became that unstable again.

    Wynter is trying hard to overcome her anxiety and fears. If you could find a good match with a therapist she could most likely go very far in conquering most of it if not all. (simply because she wants it so bad and is willing to do the work) And knowing she can come to you when she needs to without you freaking out on her......will be an awesome support system to her.

    I had more luck with psychiatrists than tdocs (go figure) for both Nichole and I. Never did find a really good match in tdocs for either of us. I hope you have better luck. You can also check who accepts the insurance or does it on a pay scale for income. That may broaden your options as far as tdocs and or psychiatrists go. Oh, by the way, my psychiatrist only would medicate for anxiety for a short period of time, then began on the whole retraining part. At the time it POed me major. But now I see why he takes that approach.

    Wynter is one insightful, strong girl. Now if we can just get her to see that.......she'll have the world by the tail.

  8. ML

    ML Guest

    It really is good that she was able to share all that with you. She is lucky to have you for an advocate. I am at a point with manster that I feel Therapy is a better option for him than medications as well; or at least both. That paranoia/anxiety is a huge bear to tackle.
  9. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Wynter is maturing. Good for her to be able to recognize some things that are going on and search out help to conquer them. Since she is committed to therapy and working on specific issues, I feel she will be successful.

    The medications can be introduced if she ever gets to the point that it is too hard for her using all her other skills. It shows great strength on her part to want to fight this without the medications. I do believe that medications are important when needed, but self determination and will power are also important to get through challenges.
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Wow Heather!
    I'm so glad that Wynter was able to open up to you so thoroughly and tell you everything that's been going on in her head. That will be so useful in determining how best to help her.

    I think it's great that you're supporting her choice to go the therapy route before introducing any medications. I do agree with Marg that, as the mom you are giving her the gift of choice for now, and that it should be contingent on her doing well with the right therapist. She seems so motivated and I think that will take her very far.

    What an amazing insight she has into her own issues. Good for her for working up the nerve to tell you about them. That took a great deal of courage. And good for you for being so understanding and not freaking out that she felt safe to tell you.

    Sending many hugs to both of you
  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    She has taken a step forward in her own growth. No matter what happens this conversation will always be with her.
    This had to have helped her so much and you!
    Great job, Mom!
    Hopefully you can find some one she can talk with.
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member


    That's great, I'm so glad to hear how she opened up to you that way alot of trust there bigtime in you she has.

    Also what a huge bonding and growing experience for both of you. I'm really glad that this happened for you and her both. I like your attitude regarding this is her journey also, that's kinda huge and showing such a huge realization that she is her own person and really allowed to have some control over how she handles what goes on with her. FAct that your also listening to her is huge.

    anyway i'm glad for you and her both. i hope for continued openness and talking.
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Glad it was such a good conversation. Also glad she's working towards a solution that works for her. I'm very impressed by the maturity she's showing!
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thank you for the understanding and support, ladies.

    We'll get there one way or another. I have faith.