Kanga changing RTCs - how to tell her

[JJJ]

Kanga will be changing RTCs, possibly as soon as Wednesday, possibly not until next week (we are waiting on our home school district to sign some papers).

She's is being moved due to her current Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s staff lack of experience, both with children with impaired reality and working with families. She hasn't done anything 'wrong'.

I'm only going to give her a days notice -- enough to say goodbye, but not long enough for her to fret. But how do I explain this to her???

 

[Steely]

Geesh..........I don't know. Will you still be close to her in proximity? Can you just say that staffing has changed, and her needs are better met at X facility? Or will she be further away?

Sending many hugs.

 

[Sara PA]

How about "Good news! We found a better place and you get to go there as soon as we can make the arrangements!"???

 

[Andy]

Tell her the truth, "We have found a new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that will be more helpful in meeting your specific needs. The staff at this next place will have more answers to your questions. This will be an exciting move."

 

[meowbunny]

From what you have said, she likes this place and is quite comfortable since they demand little and give much. I probably wouldn't tell her until the day before the move. That will give her time to say good-bye but not give her days to fret and over-react.

As to how to say it, I'd simply tell her that school, staff, SWs and you talked it over and decided this was not a good fit for her needs.

Let's hope the next Residential Treatment Center (RTC) can do a much better job than this one has done. I'm glad to hear you find something better so quickly.

 

[Christy]

Be honest. Tell her you've found a place that is better equipped to help her.

 

[amazeofgrace]

that's a tough one I would hope the Therapist at the current ROTC would address it with her and you in advance so she can prepare, although sometimes less notice is better so there's no time to obsess or frett

(((prayers)))

 

[timer lady]

JJJ,

I was always the wuss when it came to telling tweedles dee or dum something of this nature. I let staff do it. Period.

Because I so wanted to be the good guy - to have the tweedles look to me & husband not just as the disciplinarians & bearers of bad tidings I would toss it over to the staff therapist or SW.

I have to tell you, as an adoptive parent struggling to parent that child, staff came in real handy & were willing to do it. Staff even transported if it became necessary & then I could come in & rescue, comfort, nurture my children.

Worth a shot.

 

[klmno]

That's a tough one. I try to present things like that to difficult child in a way that makes it clear why he should consider it a good change. Example: "I don't want us having to go to tdocs forever and things still not get better for you, so I have found one more qqualified who is supposed to help move things along a little quicker, where you will get more benefit, and you can get some of your questions answered better. Otherwise, we could be sitting here five years down the road doing the same thing."

Then, we discuss his concerns or grievences and if there is a way to help him transition, I'll try to address that somehow. If she is particularly close to anyone, can she send them a card or something? I guess in this case, it might be difficult for her to not start thinking that she is just going to keep getting moved from onoe place to another. She might need a little extra reassurance.

I'm just throwing ideas out- I wish I could be more help. Sending support and HUGS your way!

 

[busywend]

I ditto Linda - be the good guy!

 

[Star*]

Okay - I like two advices so far - Christy and Lindas

1.) Be honest -
2.) Get someone ELSE to be the honest person telling her

Dude would have violent and explosive episodes if he was told too far in advance regarding leaving. He also would give staff the HARDEST time ever - he had NOTHING to loose and boy if he found out he was leaving you all could kiss his nose, and then some.

So when moving - we would be there when he moved, the therapist was the one that told him - we offered support and told him we simply found a place better suited to what his needs were. We also said that if the place was better suited to him - it meant if he worked the program he could get better faster. And we all wanted that. Also I always checked the places out that he was going - except that 1 group home and had I toured it? He never would have gone. When I did go - it sure wasn't home but it wasn't what we found out it was later.

Hugs -

 

[susiestar]

I totally agree with having someone else ell kanga that she is moving. BUT be sure that the tdocs in a place that give a 13yo $110 a month will tell the RIGHT story.

I would worry that they would tell kanga that you & husband were making her move because you wanted to make her miserable, hide the ways THEY knew YOU were abusing her, drag her away from her "friends", etc.....

I would be very worried about this simply because this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) shows so little commone sense - the 1:1 outings with a child who is known for false allegations, the $$$, etc.....

so, maybe have her old therapist tell her? Someone she may not have liked, but who YOU trusted not to lie and make her look bad. Heck, these new people may even tell her that you are making her move because they (the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)) were giving her the $$$ each month that should have been hers all along and that you OWE her from whenever she came to live iwth you.

Maybe if you insist on being there when they tell her?? I am just not sure, though having someone else tell her sounds like a very wise idea.

 

[Star*]

Mmmmmmmm Susie Star brings up some EXCELLENT points -

Reminds me of the time I asked the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to tell Dude and they waited 15 minutes before we left OMG it was a disaster.

And I think when they tell her you should be present if possible - but I love the therapist telling her as opposed to staff. ABSOLUTELY!

 

[witzend]

If you can find a way to make sure that whatever they tell her accurately reflects your position, I would leave it to them. There should be no blame on anyone for not getting it right, just moving on to a place more able to help her.

 

[JJJ]

Hi all,

I just spoke with the supervisor at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and we are going to have a conference call with Kanga, current therapist and me. I'm going to tell her that she went to current Residential Treatment Center (RTC) on DCFS Post-Adoption funding for 3 months and that she won a grant that will pay for her services for as long as it takes for her to get better and they want her at the new Residential Treatment Center (RTC). That way I ensure she gets correct info and I get to "blame" someone else.

The call is set for tonight, I will see her at old Residential Treatment Center (RTC) tomorrow and she'll move on Wednesday. The new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is trying to set up transportation so I don't have to have her in my car.

 

[meowbunny]

Sounds like a great plan for all concerned. Hope the move goes semi-smoothly.

 

[butterflydreams]

Sounds like a great plan, hope all goes as anticipated.

Christy

 

[JJJ]

Well, I told her. She was upset at first but then I reminded her that she had liked the new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) better when she did her interviews. She ended up remembering a few things that she liked (especially that they get to cook their own food v. the cafeteria food she currently hates). By the time we hung up she was more concerned that she not be late for tonight's trip to the park. We'll see how she is tomorrow...

Thanks all.

 

[klmno]

You handled that very well!! I'm glad she seems to be handling it, too. I'm sure there will be some mixed emotion, and resulting behavior, from her but it sounds like so far, so good!!

 

[Christy]

Glad things went reasonably well