Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ThreeShadows, Aug 17, 2009.
So glad to see you back! I've been thinking about you, many hugs!
Thank you! It's good to be back. I find that when life gets too complicated I tend to retreat, which isn't really a good thing. The spring was complicated. My stepmother died in May, but not before she had decided that I was her mortal enemy (for taking my father for legal advice that was required before he could sign away his rights to his share of their home, in favor of her kids). Her kids sent me hate mail; my father begged me to stay away and cried because he was in danger of losing his relationship with them; she did not want me to come to her funeral. When she died, everyone in my extended family attended but me. She left my father destitute to the point where he can't afford an apartment, so he lives in the house she gave her kids (it was previously his house) at her kids' whim - they can kick him out anytime. He pays all the bills and upkeep, cares for the property etc. He's a nice live-in unpaid property superintendent until the real estate market improves, basically. And he's still far from his own family, which is what she wanted.
Then my father asked to come and visit in June. My kids didn't want him to, but ... he's seventy-six. He's in constant pain with a chronic degenerative neurological disease. He did what he thought would make his life bearable at the time. The older I get, the less I find I can judge people. So he came to visit in June, and it was a bit strange, but I'm glad we had the visit. I don't respect most of the decisions he's made in the past 50 years but then some of my decisions haven't been so great either.
I should have stayed in touch here, though ... some objective thoughts would have been welcome at times! And I'm sorry to not have been here for others.
Very sorry about all the stress. You sound like a very good daughter. Glad things are calming down a bit. Glad you are back!
I was just thinking about you. Good to see you back.
I know what you mean about retreating, though. I tend to do the same.
Welcome Home! I think many (most?) of us have gone through times when we just couldn't stay in touch due to stress. I am sorry your father was taken advantage of and continues to let it happen. You are a good daughter to still stay in touch.
It is good to see you again!
Ya know - I think sometimes you just can't predict how ugly someone is going to be. BUT...I would wonder because I do belive there is an afterlife and a heaven that for however long it takes to get to heaven and stand and be judged? For what your stepmom did here on earth she's having to answer for it now. I can't imagine in any religion, or belief that we spend eternity as miserable and ugly, hateful and petty as we did here. So when she gets to the part where she treated you like she did of reviewing her life? That's something SHE is going to have to deal with until YOU get there. So by the time you get there? The reconcilliation will be more than you can imagine. Just my .o2 cents on life after death thoughts. Or simply put - I just can't see angels helping her review her life and going - Yeah - the way you treated Katya- nice one - lets do that here with eveyone. Know what I mean?? lol. So she's going to have a long road to haul on learning how to be nice - and moreso on how to forgive herself for treating you like ****. I don't think we just get a pass - She'll have to pay her dues and realize what she did and make amends. We all will.
As far as your Dad? Well you said it yourself - we all make bad choices and forgiving is always a necessary element. I'm sure if your Dad was in good mental health with this woman not in his life things may be different, but you can't predict what he would or would not do. You can only do what you think is best and you did that, so good on ya Kat. IT's not always easy to be the bigger person. As for your kids? UGh- yeah you'd like for them to LOVE Granpa but sometimes they just don't. He's basically a stranger to them and his current family has treated you poorly - so maybe you can look at it like your kids were standing by you more than NOT attending to their grandpa.
With regards to not coming here -??? (tchtch tch tch tch) EMBRACE The BOARD,,,,,,come forward with your problems.....learn to lean on us....(shakes snake - I have a few left over from a court session and a health care issue) lol. and get it out of your system girl.....lol. Nothing you write could EVER be more weird than things I've written about Dude....okay well they could....but it would have to be like you bought an Elephant at Costco with a stolen visa. (do not try that at home)
I'm glad to see you back. Now SIT! STay!!! - oy there I go again - Too much Caesar Milan training show. lol
Seriously - come back and stay a while.....I don't bite....much.
Okay, you made me laugh, Star! I promise to Sit-Stay! And not crawl away to lick my wounds. Definitely counter-productive.
I also believe there's an accounting, and I know my stepmother is accountable but not to me. I keep telling myself that, just have to work on letting it go. I think it's easier to forgive hurts to yourself than it is to forgive hurts to those we love. Even if the one we love chose it.
Anyway ... got to run and check on my first-time cat mom who had five kittens yesterday and then FREAKED OUT! I've been teaching a cat how to mother her kittens. How weird - I've only ever seen animals either reject their babies outright or be good mothers. I've never seen one accept her babies, but be clueless. And needy - she gets frantic if someone isn't right there with her every minute. Reminds me of the occasional young first-time mom I would take care of in hospital, who would need constant reassurance. And then she would 'get' it and be a fantastic mom with plenty of confidence. I never expected to see this in an animal, but so far she's nursing the kittens and they're doing fine, so .. back to the nursery!
Okay here's my cat-birth confession -
The first time I had a feral cat with kittens give birth? I put her in my room and I had NO clue the birth was /would be so violent. There was blood everywhere. On my bed, on the walls, in my closet, on floor, closet doors. It looked like helter-skelter pictures. Then the placenta? OMG I thought she shot her uterus out of her body (and this is why I will never be able to eat Pastrami again) I picked it up, packed it in a jar with ice and took her to the vet. Well, you can imagine the HOWLS that got at the vets office - Cat in the carrier, kittens all bloody - afterbirth in a jar of ice. Yeah - so....I don't foster prego-momma cats any more. I will foster cats WITH kittens but can't do the birth thing. My hats off to you.
And another litter we had unexpectedly after that ? She drug all the kittens from outside to inside and under the tub (home construction) and we had to tear the wall out to get the kittens. Two days later? She took them all back. UGH. Got a cage - put her and the kittens in there. Vet said to cover the cage, make it a den. THAT worked wonders - we just left her and the kittens in total darkness and silence. She was fine after that. Every litter we've had after that (rescue)? In the cage - cover with blankets - total silence - total darkness - quiet end of the house with a radio - and leave them alone until SHE brings them to us - no peeking. That seems to be the best thing ever.
ps. YOu can send me a kitten. (no no no ) lol
Star...That was hysterical (and scary!)
Katya...Raising my hand...need HELP with cat issues! husband adopted a developmentally delayed cat who was dumped on our doorstep. I ignored it for days, thinking it would move to the next house. It could NOT fend for itself. I foolishly thought all cats knew this stuff instinctively. Wasn't eating and almost DIED! I found it laying prostrate in the sun almost several days later and FREAKED. I took it to the vet. Now it is OURS. husband is in LUV. We have a mixed marriage. I'm a dog person, he is a cat person. It (the kitty) lives in our back yard under a pile of wood (don't ask). Now, husband says the wood will stay there forever. (OMG!). I dragged the kids' old fisher price toy house for it to live in and play in near the wood. She kind of likes that...but prefers the wood. We have some beautiful birds living in the back yard...she tries to "stalk" them. They laugh at her. I'm soooo glad she was "fixed" cause if I had to go through what Star went through, no doubt I would be shook up for a week! UGH! husband feeds her and gives her water daily, plus lots of petting and little kisses. I pay my respects weekly...that's all she will tolerate of my presense.
A little secret...
Many years ago...a kitty "adopted" me. I didn't want a cat. I was NOT a cat person. I fell in LUV. I fell in LUV HARD. We went through some tough times together, including the birth of my kids and the death of my mom. When that cat died...OMG!
Nope...I'm not a cat person. Sniff.
OMG, Star! Pastrami? LOL!
I helped deliver our golden's pups. We had twins and triplets! I was amazed that I could hear some of them cry through the placenta! The will to live is an amazing thing.
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