keeping romance alive?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nancy423, Oct 18, 2008.

  1. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Just wondering what ya'll do. I feel that I always spend way too much time dealing with difficult child and all that goes with her. Therefore, I've had a very bumpy ride on the marriage end. With all her medical bills etc, we never feel that we get a break. So going out on a "date" wasn't in the budget. Yes, I know there are free dates.......but I think it's stress and frustration that keeps us from doing the "us" time on a regular basis. (We used to be scared to leave her alone with anyone.)

    So how do ya'll keep it together?
  2. Feeling Helpless

    Feeling Helpless Oldie but Goodie

    Hi Nancy,
    I just read your post and have had the same problem. Although I think I might be a bit older than you and I have been going through the change. My husband has had his own problems.

    We have had so much stress from our difficult child lately that to tell the truth I have not felt very romantic lately. It seems if either one us does feel romantic we are so tired and stressed that we just want to go to sleep. We keep trying to find someone to watch our difficult child so we can have a night out but it is very hard to find someone willing to watch him. We were working on our house this weekend and listening to the radio and my husband grabbed me and we danced in the living room. It was nice for a couple of minutes.

    It you find something that works let me know.Good luck. Just wanted you to know that you are not the only one frustrated.
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Well, we WERE keeping it together once husband was properly medicated! But the past few weeks things are sliding into a depressive rut again... sorry, I'm in a nasty mood.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    As an old married person(almost 27 yrs) we still think relating to each other as mates is important. Not just as a parent or a paycheck or chore doer but as mates.
    I suspect a lot of how you keep your marriage fresh and healthy has a lot to do with why and how you married and how much you want to keep your spouse in your life.
    It's fair to say that we are not the same people we were 5, 10, 15, 20 yrs ago but we seemed always to want to be each others, support and friend.
    Laughter and playfulness has gone a long way to helping each other get through some really bad times.
    I still think throwing blame is really harmful. It makes one more guarded towards sharing with a mate. We all make mistakes and we usually know it. Having a spouse rub it in doesn't do much for friendship.
    Wanting to keep the magic within our marriage was important even when we were burdened with money worries, difficult child issues, family issues and just exhaustion.
    If keeping romance alive is important to both of you then make time to figure out how to do it. It will make him feel like you care and that he has a voice in that dept. It is not like little nuggets that you bestow on him but a way to keep in touch with each other like no other way can. When we felt the most distant from each we had this one way to reconnect because we always made it a safe place.

    -We always tried to have a sitter. We recruited them regularly. Sometimes all we did was walk around Wal Mart and stop for coffee.
    -I often had my morning coffee while husband was getting ready for work so we could just talk. It's intimate.
    -Try to tell him what you need in terms of feeling like a girlfriend. -Compliments, thoughtfulness, laughter. Whatever rocks your boat.
    -Open communication with mate about what he wants in terms of a married relationship. Things may not be what he wanted or expected either.
    -Remember why you were attracted to him in the first place. Look for what's good in him and remember it when you are annoyed.
    It just doesn't grow without nurturing and caring.

    Believe me, we are not all flowers and love sonnets. We get on each other's nerves, we argue, we enjoy a break from each other but we are in this for the long haul. We try to diminish collateral damage that comes from years of money worries, difficult child worries, life worries. If intimacy is what we need then that's what we have to nurture that life long commitment.
    Find a way that works for you and your mate. There really isn't a one size fits all way to keep a marriage healthy. Both of you have a responsibility to find how to do it.
  5. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I'm a divorced single mom but I've been with SO for 3 years, so I'm no veteran like Fran and some of the others.:D

    I think one of the most important things is to have alone time where you do NOT discuss difficult child or their issues.

    Fran's suggestions are great. She's my relationship counselor.:D

  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Stella, you crack me up. :holymoly:
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hubby and I have had to work on this. We've been married eight years; his second, my third. His boys are grown; Miss KT is the reason I'm here. When she was home, we took her to Nana's and went to dinner or just to walk around the mall about twice a month. Even then, it was difficult for us to connect on a daily basis. She moved out in May, and it took us about four months to get out of our Miss KT-induced behavior patterns and really start working together as a couple. I'm open for any and all suggestions on this topic. I know romance can get left by the wayside so easily.
  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    We have been married 30 years and our difficult child is 25. We find that to go away somewhere is the most romantic. It doesnt have to be so expensive but for a weekend getaway or even one night somewhere you both like. We go to the mountains of NOrth Georgia and rent a cabin and get in the hot tub and love every minute of being away - we try and not talk about our troubles but just do everything we love. It has worked for us so far. Good luck.
  9. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    husband and I have such weird schedules that it's hard to find time for an actual "date night", so we try to build couple time into our regular days.

    A few examples...
    As Fran suggested, I will get up with husband when he's getting ready to leave and we'll have a few minutes of quiet time to talk.

    When we do errands, I will wear something slightly saucy (not skanky, just saucy) and flirt outrageuosly with him.

    We make a bit of time every day to just sit together with cups of tea and talk about non-difficult child stuff.

    I guess, what it boils down to is making sure that we don't lose track of each other as people because we're too busy being parents.

    Because of husband's and my history (he was my first big crush, we lost touch for far too long, reconnected as adults) we feel almost as though we've lost so much time already so every moment we have is precious.

    Hope this helps,
  10. Pookybear66

    Pookybear66 New Member

    My husband has a crazy schedule too. We been married for 10yrs. It's not easy. There have been many times husband has come to me and said he thinks we need counseling because I am "too tired, too much". I tell him I AM TIRED and explain the reasons for being tired and so on. I also say who has time to do all the other house stuff and all when ds is being a PAIN. So then he backs off and tries to help out more and I try to force myself to find time to "not be tired".

    We spend time together sometimes while kids are in school, and rent a movie so we can cuddle on the couch. Sometimes we get a sitter and go out. We always try to sit down to dinnner as family and try to make sure to hug and kiss and say "I love you" as much as possible. It's not easy. Sometimes you just have to force yourself even if you're "too tired".