kicked 18 year old daughter out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by nkpmm5, Jan 15, 2014.

  1. nkpmm5

    nkpmm5 New Member

    Here is a little background on our family.
    I have had a hard time setting boundaries on my daughter especially considering I just learned about boundaries myself. I am an adult child of an alcoholic who has been sober for almost her whole life. I did have a brief relapse about 5 years ago due to not working a program for years. I did not realize my codependency issue until I started having major marital issues. My husband has been battling alcoholism for the last 7/8 years and I have just recently kicked him out. He has yet to get sober. I am attending al anon and therapy but my daughter is not.
    My daughter just graduated high school and is thinking about college but has not done anything as of yet. She is smoking weed, drinking, and her friends are questionable.
    I finally told her to leave due to her disrespect (not doing minor chores, arguing, not following rules). She did leave but when she tried to bulldoze her way back in the house a couple of days later, I again said she will not live in my house unless she can respect me and my rules. When I told her to leave she refused, so I tried to push her out of her room. She is much bigger and stronger than I, and she knows it. She became physical and pushed me down still refusing to leave. After a bit of a struggle due to me trying to get her out, she finally left. During the struggle, she pushed me down hard and open hand pushed my face. She wanted to hit me for sure. When she walked out she raised her fist and said, I just want to punch you right now.
    I have NEVER hit her or even spanked her. She has never hit me before.
    Her Dad is still not back in the home but comes around a lot. He was at the house when the incident occurred and understands she is out of control. We live in a rural area, and since she has no phone (I took it away) he texted her friend to come back and pick her up which is what happened. She is now staying with that friend, I assume. We have 2 younger children as well who love there sister and although they have seen us argue, they have never seen any physical fighting. Thank God they were asleep. They know I told her to leave the other day and that she is not coming home until she can be respectful.
    I am hoping someone can help me with advice on how to help her.
    My question really concerns: How do I start setting boundaries now that she is already out of control? I love her and want to help her but I refuse to be so completely disrespected anymore.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    If you are doing twelve step, then you already know the answer to your own question: You can't help her. She has to help herself. You can only control one And, frankly, for whatever reason, your daughter assaulted you, which is a crime and very dangerous. I'm guessing she was probably drunk or on drugs, but that should just show her more pointedly that she shouldn't be indulging in those activities. Did she express remorse? In our house, we have a zero tolerance level for violence. You can't live with us if you are violent. I don't see this as an issue of respect, although it is a part of it, but I see this as a safety issue. If she did it once, she could do it again, next time maybe to her younger siblings.

    in my opinion keep going to Al-Anon, take care of YOURSELF and YOUR needs, and you can offer your daughter suggestions, such as going to rehab or therapy. If she isn't interested, then you know she isn't going to change. She has to want to change. You should probably start to detach from her drama.

    If this were me, she would not be coming home until I knew her drug use/alcohol use was under control, she had gone through a program, she had dumped her drug using/drinking friends (this is the biggest sign that she has quit..or is still doing it) and has given a heartfelt apology. Your other two don't need to see violence in the house.

    This is not your fault. A lot of kids grow up with "softie" parents and don't hit them. Your daughter is a young adult now and the onus is on her. She is legally and morally responsible for her own behavior.

    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You've made a good start, Katie. What I understand about setting boundaries is that when we concentrate on our own health, when we concentrate on becoming our own best selves, we change.

    And then, the situation changes.

    I'm so sorry this is happening.