Kicked out pregnant 19 year old daughter

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by CCarey, Feb 18, 2011.

  1. CCarey

    CCarey New Member

    My daughter is 19 and 6 months pregnant and i just had to ask her to leave the house, and since she left it's almost been like how an abusive husband's behavior esclates after he recieves a protection order. I am living with my father who is dying of lung cancer, and even that does not stop her wrath of entitlement. i feel alot of pain about not being able to fix her. I just wrote her a letter explaining how "I’ve allowed myself to be consumed by your behavior and your wellbeing at the expense of my own wellbeing. Not only has my inability to effectively help you over the years affected my self-worth as a mother, it has equally negatively affected your self-worth to become a mature, respectful, responsible young woman." For the first time, I am not being passive and taking a stand by not allowing her to terrorize us with her Addict behavior. I don't know if she's using now - but she is definitely addicted to her heroin-addict boyfriend - crazymaking!!! I need help STAYING STRONG. Funny thing is, I am an adolescent addictions counselor... and I cant even help my own kid! I believe the right thing to do is always the hardest, and I've been so beat down by her in the past, I always looked for the easiest way to handle her, and obviously that didnt work out too well!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think you did the right thing. If she's using drugs and drinking....poor baby. She's PREGNANT.

    You've found a safe haven with us.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Good for you for not being passive! I feel for your grandchild, I really, really do.

    By the way - welcome. You're in the right place!

    And FWIW, you have enough on your plate with your father - you did exactly the right thing. NO ONE deserves to be walked on.
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Stay strong! You did the right thing.

    Be prepared with your response when CPS asks you if you want to raise that child. I have a feeling that day will come.
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    You are probably a very good addictions counselor because of her. You understand that sometimes the 'right' thing doesn't work or has huge fallout.
  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Hugs! It seems so much more personal and hurtful when our kids fail in the area that we publicaly work in (like your work with the addiction counseling). It is so common - pastor's kids being the most disrespectful, police officer kids breaking the law, teacher's kids being disrespectful to other teachers, etc. etc. It is like when they work so hard to rebel against their parents that they know these are the areas to hurt us the most. It really is our worst nightmare to have our children mess up in the area we are most compassionate about.

    I work in a chemical dependency facility that is mostly committed clients. We get several pregnant ladies that are committed through their pregnancy for the protection of the baby. I never hear where the babies go, I think some get to stay with their mom but most are likely put into foster homes or up for adoption? Just guessing.

    Anyway, through your work, are you aware of a facility that you can try to get her into? A place that would both work on her addictions and plan for a safe placement of the baby? I think there are also "homes" for pregnant ladies to live and get a variety of support from until the baby arrives?

    I would stay strong in the "I have done all I know how to help you. Since you are not taking my advice, you need to find another way to support yourself." and offer her the resources of talking to a facility where she can live during her pregnancy.
  7. CCarey

    CCarey New Member

    thank you for all the supportive comments! i am so glad i found this site. people who have difficult children just don't get it! the problem with getting her into a pregnant women's shelter or rehab is that she is legally an adult, and she is not willing. in pennsylvania, the only thing i can do is call police if she shows up and becomes abusive.
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    CC - not a lot different in Ohio... Even for those UNDER 18.
  9. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Hi there. Nice to meet you although I'm sorry to be meeting you for the first time on such a sad sounding post. (((hugs)))

    One thing I really want to say to you is, it is a UN-TRUTH that you "can't even help your own kid". Do not tell yourself that you cannot help! You can, and you have, and even know, you ARE. Honestly! You didn't create her difficult child-type behaviors. You didn't choose her addict b/f or any issues of her own she has. Tossing her out right now may feel to your "mom" heart to be not helping her, and it is probably easier to send that message to yourself since she's pregnant. I mean, us moms don't picture our grandchildren being born into chaos and madness right? But again .... you did NOT create your difficult child's present circumstances. She did with her actions now, her history, her choices. Right down to the choice to become pregnant at this stage of her life.

    Truthfully? She is about to be a mother. She needs to mirror YOU, not shun or abuse you. She is going to BE you for her own child shortly. If she was living with you and abusing you and acting as a difficult child when this baby comes, what are the chances she is suddenly going to have that lightbulb moment that it is TIME TO GROW UP and to change? There is no way to know if she is going to get it together for herself and her child now that she's out of your home. BUT, it is her step into adulthood. She has to make or break it, Know what I mean??

    I know that sounds harsh. And I see many mom's having their pregnant difficult child's living home and finding a way to balance things etc. But it doesn't sound as though your difficult child has any boundaries she won't cross under your roof. And you do have a right at this point to not deal with her koi. Same with your ailing father. This is the time for your difficult child to stand on her own 2 feet and get her act together not via others doing what she needs to do, but by doing so herself.

    I actually think you did a brave and wonderful thing. I say this as a mother to a 17 year old son who is now the same age as I was when I became pregnant for him. And boy was I a difficult child! And I was on my own and I did it. I made it. I made it happen with no support and I didn't even have a loving mother such as yourself to reach out to when I was ready and worthy of support. Your daughter has you loving her. Sometimes the cruddy part of loving someone is taking the hard steps that aren't most popular but ultimately are in their best interests. I hope your daughter rises to the occassion for herself and her soon to come child.

    Hang in there. For whatever it is worth, I think you did the right thing. For yourself and for your difficult child.
  10. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    You are doing the right thing. How it must hurt and how you must worry, but you have to take care of yourself. The school of hard knocks and the world can be cruel, but it can also be a good teacher. Do not beat yourself up. I struggle with that every day, easier said than done,I know. It is well worth the effort. One day at a time. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
  11. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Hugs -
    We are glad you found us. We all know the hard road you are traveling and we are here for you.