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Kicked son out
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 679697" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Patrick, and welcome to the forum.</p><p></p><p>It's so hard when we are finally forced to kick our kids out of the house. My son started his downward decline (he went down steep and fast) when he was 19. Pretty soon he was out of here. I gave him many many chances, as I am sure you and your wife have. I was always at least three steps behind him and I know there is still a whole lot I don't know about what he was up to. </p><p></p><p>I don't believe pot smoking is as benign as many others believe that it is. For some, it is a gateway drug and leads to poor motivation, laziness, more drug use, lack of self-discipline, lack of responsibility and no forward movement, at the least. For my son, that, coupled with drinking, stopped his development and soon he was taking opiates and who knows what else. </p><p></p><p>I hope this doesn't happen with your son, but I agree with New Leaf that what you describe is more than experimentation. </p><p></p><p>We have an absolute right to have peace in our homes and to say what will and won't happen there. I can only imagine that you have been around and around with him, and finally it came to this. I think letting him know you mean business is a very good thing. I also believe that most of our kids are incredible survivors and very resilient. I know my son was, but I still worried about him anyway, and I understand that too. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Your wife's fear and grief are very real. It is healthy to cry. My husband (my son's stepfather now) has sat with me many many times and patiently held me while I have cried. Crying is healing and it is necessary. If you're like most men, it upsets you and you want to fix things. Just let her cry and be patient and quiet while she does it. </p><p></p><p>My husband, who has worked with my parents and their drug and alcohol-addicted children, says that mothers and sons are the toughest combination. Mothers have a very hard time setting boundaries with their sons and letting them to go experience natural consequences. I know this is true, because my son's decline lasted for five solid years, and included multiple jail stints, several rehabs, homelessness multiple times for weeks and months at a time, and lots of bad times, drama and upsets. I seriously grieved and lived a lot of the time in intense fear for him.</p><p></p><p>What helped me tremendously was working on myself, and turning my energy from him onto me. That takes time, and it takes tools. Al-Anon is one great tool, and I still attend a weekly meeting even now, even now that my son has been on a much more positive path for going on two years (will be two years in June 2016). Al-Anon helps me let go of the need to manage, fix or control other people---any people---in my life, including the healthy ones. It has been the greatest gift of my life, living within a 12-step program. I urge you and your wife to attend some meetings, get some Al-Anon literature and read it, and look into the online Al-Anon program. The meetings are completely free.</p><p></p><p>Please keep posting here. We do understand what you are going through and how hard it is. You will find tremendous support and encouragement here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 679697, member: 17542"] Hi Patrick, and welcome to the forum. It's so hard when we are finally forced to kick our kids out of the house. My son started his downward decline (he went down steep and fast) when he was 19. Pretty soon he was out of here. I gave him many many chances, as I am sure you and your wife have. I was always at least three steps behind him and I know there is still a whole lot I don't know about what he was up to. I don't believe pot smoking is as benign as many others believe that it is. For some, it is a gateway drug and leads to poor motivation, laziness, more drug use, lack of self-discipline, lack of responsibility and no forward movement, at the least. For my son, that, coupled with drinking, stopped his development and soon he was taking opiates and who knows what else. I hope this doesn't happen with your son, but I agree with New Leaf that what you describe is more than experimentation. We have an absolute right to have peace in our homes and to say what will and won't happen there. I can only imagine that you have been around and around with him, and finally it came to this. I think letting him know you mean business is a very good thing. I also believe that most of our kids are incredible survivors and very resilient. I know my son was, but I still worried about him anyway, and I understand that too. Your wife's fear and grief are very real. It is healthy to cry. My husband (my son's stepfather now) has sat with me many many times and patiently held me while I have cried. Crying is healing and it is necessary. If you're like most men, it upsets you and you want to fix things. Just let her cry and be patient and quiet while she does it. My husband, who has worked with my parents and their drug and alcohol-addicted children, says that mothers and sons are the toughest combination. Mothers have a very hard time setting boundaries with their sons and letting them to go experience natural consequences. I know this is true, because my son's decline lasted for five solid years, and included multiple jail stints, several rehabs, homelessness multiple times for weeks and months at a time, and lots of bad times, drama and upsets. I seriously grieved and lived a lot of the time in intense fear for him. What helped me tremendously was working on myself, and turning my energy from him onto me. That takes time, and it takes tools. Al-Anon is one great tool, and I still attend a weekly meeting even now, even now that my son has been on a much more positive path for going on two years (will be two years in June 2016). Al-Anon helps me let go of the need to manage, fix or control other people---any people---in my life, including the healthy ones. It has been the greatest gift of my life, living within a 12-step program. I urge you and your wife to attend some meetings, get some Al-Anon literature and read it, and look into the online Al-Anon program. The meetings are completely free. Please keep posting here. We do understand what you are going through and how hard it is. You will find tremendous support and encouragement here. [/QUOTE]
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