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Kids moving out, mixed feelings for me
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<blockquote data-quote="Origami" data-source="post: 655480" data-attributes="member: 18099"><p>Thanks all for your replies and support.</p><p>Somewhere, I read that book also and it was interesting. Thanks for your perspective--you do have a way of presenting the possibility of worst-case-scenario as food for thought. It's true that I didn't know the extent of son's addiction before his wife kicked him out and he ended up here when she discovered he was using heroin. At that time, he had already been using for several months and I thought that he only smoked marijuana. There's probably more that I didn't know. But I've become educated whether I wanted to or not, and am pretty much able to tell when he's high on heroin or not. It's not every day or several times a week anymore as it was previously. I hope this is progress, but of course it's his challenge to quit. Is he really trying? I don't know. He is in a 12-step program and individual counseling that he goes to weekly.</p><p></p><p>Gaining custody of the kids is not possible or desirable. Husband and I both work full time and can't afford child care, and honestly don't want to raise the grandchildren. Daughter-in-law is a great young woman who is trying her hardest to take care of the kids and keep some semblance of a normal family. She works full time and is a devoted mother. Son is likewise a hard worker and devoted father, and that's where some of my dilemma comes from. It would be easier to condemn him if he was a terrible person. And I truly will miss them (but obviously not the heroin use, glad to have that out of my house)--the "silver lining" to this cloud is that their living with us gave us a chance to get to know everyone better. Daughter-in-law has turned out to be a terrific gal who is more like a daughter to us than ever. Her dilemma is trying to keep a roof over their heads and not disrupt the kids' lives too much. She tried to get Section 8 housing and finally got on a waiting list, which they're telling her will be 1 to 3 years. On her income, she would have to move across the city to find anything affordable, and with no car it wouldn't have been feasible to be that far from their school, babysitter, and extended family. So she and my son have decided to pool their resources and get an apartment together although they don't consider themselves to be married except technically. Daughter-in-law says she'll hope they can keep things together for a year until their lease is up and she'll see if she can get a Section 8 place at that time if needed. </p><p></p><p>I was thinking that I could offer to watch the kids on some weekends "if needed" and let daughter-in-law be the one to decide. She isn't comfortable with son watching them unattended, either, and I think would be glad for the help. She's definitely not on drugs and doesn't approve of son's drug use in the least, but feels herself to be in a less-than-ideal situation right now.</p><p></p><p>Thanks Child, Tanya, and Copa also for the kind words and support. I'm glad we're out of the darkest of days that we've been through, and of course I know anything's possible while son is still using, but I won't spend my days worrying about it. Trying to take one day at a time. I haven't been to Al-Anon for many years (used to go when husband was having alcohol issues) but I have some of their literature and have been reading it. There's a Families Anonymous group that I'm looking at. Thanks again for all the hugs, good wishes, etc. I can't really share all this with "regular people" who just don't get it. (Yes, I just said we're not "regular," didn't I?) <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Origami, post: 655480, member: 18099"] Thanks all for your replies and support. Somewhere, I read that book also and it was interesting. Thanks for your perspective--you do have a way of presenting the possibility of worst-case-scenario as food for thought. It's true that I didn't know the extent of son's addiction before his wife kicked him out and he ended up here when she discovered he was using heroin. At that time, he had already been using for several months and I thought that he only smoked marijuana. There's probably more that I didn't know. But I've become educated whether I wanted to or not, and am pretty much able to tell when he's high on heroin or not. It's not every day or several times a week anymore as it was previously. I hope this is progress, but of course it's his challenge to quit. Is he really trying? I don't know. He is in a 12-step program and individual counseling that he goes to weekly. Gaining custody of the kids is not possible or desirable. Husband and I both work full time and can't afford child care, and honestly don't want to raise the grandchildren. Daughter-in-law is a great young woman who is trying her hardest to take care of the kids and keep some semblance of a normal family. She works full time and is a devoted mother. Son is likewise a hard worker and devoted father, and that's where some of my dilemma comes from. It would be easier to condemn him if he was a terrible person. And I truly will miss them (but obviously not the heroin use, glad to have that out of my house)--the "silver lining" to this cloud is that their living with us gave us a chance to get to know everyone better. Daughter-in-law has turned out to be a terrific gal who is more like a daughter to us than ever. Her dilemma is trying to keep a roof over their heads and not disrupt the kids' lives too much. She tried to get Section 8 housing and finally got on a waiting list, which they're telling her will be 1 to 3 years. On her income, she would have to move across the city to find anything affordable, and with no car it wouldn't have been feasible to be that far from their school, babysitter, and extended family. So she and my son have decided to pool their resources and get an apartment together although they don't consider themselves to be married except technically. Daughter-in-law says she'll hope they can keep things together for a year until their lease is up and she'll see if she can get a Section 8 place at that time if needed. I was thinking that I could offer to watch the kids on some weekends "if needed" and let daughter-in-law be the one to decide. She isn't comfortable with son watching them unattended, either, and I think would be glad for the help. She's definitely not on drugs and doesn't approve of son's drug use in the least, but feels herself to be in a less-than-ideal situation right now. Thanks Child, Tanya, and Copa also for the kind words and support. I'm glad we're out of the darkest of days that we've been through, and of course I know anything's possible while son is still using, but I won't spend my days worrying about it. Trying to take one day at a time. I haven't been to Al-Anon for many years (used to go when husband was having alcohol issues) but I have some of their literature and have been reading it. There's a Families Anonymous group that I'm looking at. Thanks again for all the hugs, good wishes, etc. I can't really share all this with "regular people" who just don't get it. (Yes, I just said we're not "regular," didn't I?) :-) [/QUOTE]
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