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Kids moving out, mixed feelings for me
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 655483" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think you did a very difficult thing really well, Origami.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you were able to help. I am glad they are able to move.</p><p></p><p>It is on them, now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>In a way, this is true. In another way though, these are people you love. The challenges are very real. Given that your son is still addicted, it will help to have a plan. If you know the words to say ahead of time, it will still be hard, but you will already have the rationale. Ours was that our daughter would be most liable to save herself for the sake of her children. By that, I mean that she would find the strength somewhere to turn things around for herself because her kids needed her to do that. If we took the kids, if we paid for things the parents should have been paying for, there would be no downside to continuing to use, or to continuing to think the way people who are addicted justify their choices.</p><p></p><p>It was hard to do those things, to say no to the grands and even, to our daughter. We had done this already with our son though, and that seemed to help him very much.</p><p></p><p>So, we were strong enough to keep that idea as our guiding principle in responding to the things that happened, next.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We changed that a little. We made it: I will not worry. </p><p></p><p>That style of thinking is what I mean, when I write that part of detachment parenting is learning to detach from the emotions; from the fear, and from the really crummy way it feels to see ourselves as someone who chooses not to help. It feels like flying through something really important by the seat of our pants. We had to hold faith with that belief that our daughter would pick up for the sake of her children.</p><p></p><p>And for their sakes, she did.</p><p></p><p>But we did not know that, going through it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>They need to have skin in the game. They need to have worked for what they have, like we all have worked to create the lives we have made.</p><p></p><p>We (D H and I) are thinking that kind of coming back brings with it the senses of strength and personal integrity that the kids need to declare themselves, to sort of find their identities as people who have come through hard times and lived to tell the tale.</p><p></p><p>It is a helpless feeling. But it seems to have been the correct response for our family.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Good. He knows he wants to beat this. That is a small beginning, but it is a million miles ahead of those denying their use is a problem.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is good. Your son understands what he will lose.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Nor is it desirable for the parents or the kids. Fighting for themselves as a family, counting the costs and the rewards, will be best for that family, I think.</p><p></p><p>We are meant to be happy in our own lives, and to be role models and sometimes, mentors, for how to meet life well. That is our only appropriate role I think, once our children are raised.</p><p></p><p>It is a very hard thing, to stop helping.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>For me, that would be a thing I would know, but would keep to myself. If she asks you to take the kids, because you have already decided it would be appropriate for you to help in this way, I would just say "Sure, I would love to have the kids this weekend."</p><p></p><p>But not unless she asks.</p><p></p><p>And I think not every weekend.</p><p></p><p>Until he is stronger, until he has been tested, the father may see that guaranteed free time as his time to use without consequence.</p><p></p><p>This is a difficult situation.</p><p></p><p>It helped us to have "let them do it" as our first response to ourselves. If we did help (and occasionally, we did) it was after we thought through why, this one time, it was okay to help.</p><p></p><p>We tried very hard not to encourage dependency of any kind.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That's a really good idea.</p><p></p><p>I should do that.</p><p></p><p>Too easy to slip.</p><p></p><p>Holding you and yours in my thoughts and prayers, Origami.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 655483, member: 17461"] I think you did a very difficult thing really well, Origami. I am glad you were able to help. I am glad they are able to move. It is on them, now. In a way, this is true. In another way though, these are people you love. The challenges are very real. Given that your son is still addicted, it will help to have a plan. If you know the words to say ahead of time, it will still be hard, but you will already have the rationale. Ours was that our daughter would be most liable to save herself for the sake of her children. By that, I mean that she would find the strength somewhere to turn things around for herself because her kids needed her to do that. If we took the kids, if we paid for things the parents should have been paying for, there would be no downside to continuing to use, or to continuing to think the way people who are addicted justify their choices. It was hard to do those things, to say no to the grands and even, to our daughter. We had done this already with our son though, and that seemed to help him very much. So, we were strong enough to keep that idea as our guiding principle in responding to the things that happened, next. We changed that a little. We made it: I will not worry. That style of thinking is what I mean, when I write that part of detachment parenting is learning to detach from the emotions; from the fear, and from the really crummy way it feels to see ourselves as someone who chooses not to help. It feels like flying through something really important by the seat of our pants. We had to hold faith with that belief that our daughter would pick up for the sake of her children. And for their sakes, she did. But we did not know that, going through it. They need to have skin in the game. They need to have worked for what they have, like we all have worked to create the lives we have made. We (D H and I) are thinking that kind of coming back brings with it the senses of strength and personal integrity that the kids need to declare themselves, to sort of find their identities as people who have come through hard times and lived to tell the tale. It is a helpless feeling. But it seems to have been the correct response for our family. Good. He knows he wants to beat this. That is a small beginning, but it is a million miles ahead of those denying their use is a problem. This is good. Your son understands what he will lose. Nor is it desirable for the parents or the kids. Fighting for themselves as a family, counting the costs and the rewards, will be best for that family, I think. We are meant to be happy in our own lives, and to be role models and sometimes, mentors, for how to meet life well. That is our only appropriate role I think, once our children are raised. It is a very hard thing, to stop helping. For me, that would be a thing I would know, but would keep to myself. If she asks you to take the kids, because you have already decided it would be appropriate for you to help in this way, I would just say "Sure, I would love to have the kids this weekend." But not unless she asks. And I think not every weekend. Until he is stronger, until he has been tested, the father may see that guaranteed free time as his time to use without consequence. This is a difficult situation. It helped us to have "let them do it" as our first response to ourselves. If we did help (and occasionally, we did) it was after we thought through why, this one time, it was okay to help. We tried very hard not to encourage dependency of any kind. That's a really good idea. I should do that. Too easy to slip. Holding you and yours in my thoughts and prayers, Origami. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Kids moving out, mixed feelings for me
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