Knew She Had To Try Manipulating

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Nov 24, 2010.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I have been waiting for my mother to try to manipulate me into "forgiving" gfgbro. It is very much out of character for her to let me set boundaries and stick with them with-o trying to force me or manipulate me into changing them.

    Wiz turned 19 this week. He has NEVER had any liking or respect for gfgbro, not even when he was a little kid. His biggest pet peeve about living with my parents is that gfgbro is in and out of their house all the time - and gfgbro NEVER calls before he comes by. Drives Wiz crazy and always has. Wiz has even had to go toe to toe with gfgbro about gfgbro staying out of Wiz' room!

    My mom had the audacity to tell husband that ALL Wiz wants for his birthday if for his mother and his uncle to "bury the hatchet" and celebrate his birthday together as a "whole family". She didn't have the cajones to say this to ME, just to husband because husband will not laugh at her. I left a message for Wiz, and will call him later this weekend about it, but as Wiz had begged for YEARS to not have to do anything with gfgbro, I seriously doubt that any words similar to what my mother said are true. IF Wiz said them it was in a moment of extreme sarcasm or because my mother put a gigantic amount of pressure on him so he said what she wanted to hear.

    Unless she is specific with me, I am not going to discuss it because it is NONE of her business unless I am rude or ugly to someone in her home. I won't be, I just won't be there with him. If that means my parents won't celebrate holidays with me, that is THEIR choice and I am okay with it.

    I am glad that she didn't catch us off guard, or back us into any corners. And that I have you all to support me as I move into a healthier life and relationships!
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Good for you for not letting it work and calling Wiz for the truth. I have a gfgsis that hasn't talked to our entire family for over 2 years now. Mom is starting to talk to her so I am waiting for the manipulation/guilt-tripping to start soon.

    My Prayer: Give me the wisdom and strength of the susiestar. Let me walk confidently in her footsteps. Amen:please:

    Have a wonderful Thanksgiving despite the "rellies". LOL
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so proud of you for staying strong through all of this. Hugs.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    What issue? WHAT ISSUE? Oh that's right that 'thing' is a non-issue with MY SUSIE*......Enjoy your holiday. Tell Wiz to enjoy HIS birthday. If it comes down to it? Separate celebrations on YOUR son's birthday. STAY OUT OF THE CONFLAMA. STAY OUT OF THE CONFLAMA. Even discussing it past this post is involving yourself in the conflama........((((((((((((((((((waves hand over karma))))))))))))))))) AVOID THE CONFLAMA...(hear my voice in your head) lol.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Thank you all! It turns out Wiz DID say that, but he had ONLY heard gfgbro's side of the story. We talked this am and he asked me about it. He wants the hurt to end, and us all to be a family rather than 3 separate families. I explained what had happened, and he was HORRIFIED. He says that I need to go to my parents' home more often and make sure MY side of the story is told, because I am NOT being fairly represented in all of this, I am being painted with a LOT of untruths. I told him it wasn't going to happen, that really my parents need to stay out of it and we haven't talked about it with my mother and father because my dad doesn't want to hear it and my mom has said she wants to stay out of it. So I leave her out of it, and gfgbro ignores her wishes and goes on and on about how awful I am and how I am holding a grudge and how much I hurt him all the time, while saying NOTHING of what HE has done (of course it is NEVER his fault - difficult child 101 Lesson 1: NEVER Take Responsibility, duh!) to us, or that my kids have NIGHTMARES about him.

    Wiz was furious when I said that if it was just me I most likely would have just cried in private and never let my parents even KNOW about it, but when I heard thank you crying in his sleep begging my bro to not be mad, promising to be good, and then had to deal with panic attacks that were so bad I thought we would have to take Jess to the ER, Wiz saw that I really CANNOT just let it all go back to normal. Just cannot.

    in my opinion this is ALL manipulation on gfgbro's part to be SURE that he will inherit everything and I won't get anything. That is fine. I hope my parents spend every dime they have having fun and doing what they want to do. I won't go into this with Wiz again, but I did feel I had to answer his questions at least this one time. I had a feeling he was NOT hearing the events as they happened, that all he was hearing over and over was my gfgbro's side of things.

    Gfgbro had the cajones to call today to see if we were going to join him and 14 of his closest grad students for dinner today. Nope. Not happening. Even if we were speaking I would not attend as he has a true gift for having the smelliest people he can find over to his house. Not just people who don't bath, people who don't bathe for months at a time, get sprayed by skunks and never wash clothes. He has done that every year as far back as when I was in high school. If we say anything about the stench then we are rude and ungrateful. I am NOT talking about people who don't have access to running water, I am talking about people who make a choice to not clean themselves and be as awful smelling as possible. A week with-o a bath because your religion says something about it is one thing, not bathing for months at a time, and not washing clothes even if you wash yourself is another. My father will NOT attend, or will only stay for an hour at most because 14 people in a single wide trailer is a LOT, and my dad really doesn't like big groups of people anyway. Heck, half the time he won't spend time with us when it was my family, gfgbro and my mom, much less with my niece and exsil there. So thinking my dad would go ANYWHERE to have a meal with 14 people is a joke. Cause he WON"T. I am sure that gfgbro will spin that somehow so that it is my fault too. That is fine.

    If they all want to have a big blamefest with me and husband as a target, they can go ahead. it hurts. a whole lot. to know my mom buys into this. But even if I told her my side on a daily basis it wouldn't change her thoughts - it would STILL be all my fault. I'm not perfect. Not by a LONG shot. But I MUST draw some boundaries and not let my kids be abused. Just cannot do it. I NEED your support because other than my husband I don't have other support on this issue. Heck, my mom and gfgbro have run off quite a few of my friends. One was the wife of a prof my mom worked with. We were friends for several years, close ones. She became so uncomfortable with gfgbro (he was hired to do some repairs on her home) and then with my mom that she cut ties with me. Other friends who have spent any time at all with my mom have also ended up cutting ties because my mom can be so erratic and irrational anymore. in my opinion it is partly due to the ritalin she takes. She calls them her "smart pills" because she thinks she can think more clearly and get more done when she takes them. Reality is that she spins her wheels like RoadRunner or Wiley Coyote, often makes NO sense and cannot seem to remember anything said to her if you speak to her about it later. but she HAS lost a LOT of weight, and I think that was more of the reason she wanted them. she used to ask me if I knew anyone who could get them for her illegally, and asked me OFTEN over the years. Then she convinced her therapist that the fog from fibromyalgia is actually ADHD inattentive type so the therapist sent a letter to her doctor asking for ritalin. It makes her very strange, and very irritable. Or maybe that is just me. But a BIG thing gfgbro asked and was upset with me over was that I did NOT agree to try to get guardianship of her so we could take control of her medications. I also did NOT agree to do an intervention on her over it. She is almost 70, has had a LOT of health problems and is in NO way unable to care for herself. heck, financially she still cares for gfgbro to the point that she holds his mortgage because he couldn't get a loan even under the most liberal lending rules, heck, she pays his utilities and phone bill because he couldn't even qualify to get THOSE in his own name. Not joking, the propane delivery service refused to even drive out there for him to pay cash for the propane because his credit and payment history were so terrible. But he honestly thinks that HE should be her "guardian" because she AND my dad cannot "protect themselves" from me. Yes, he actually said that he wanted me to go to court (paying half of the lawyer fees while he 'borrowed' his half from my parents for this legal koi) and say that they are incompetent to run their lives because I am taking "advantage" of them.

    THAT part my parents never hear about. Or about him refusing to let us leave by physically holding us in place as he rants and raves at us. I know I have to move past this, I just am not quite sure HOW to move past it. I cannot seem to get away from it. IF I were to "forgive" and beg for forgiveness, it would all be tossed not just in my face, but in my kids and husband's face for years to come. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE knowing that my oldest child has been hurt by this, and ahs to hear a lot of this. But it is what it is.

    Thank you all for being my friends through all of this, and for reminding me that it isn't unhealthy to draw boundaries and stick to them, that reality is that this is setting a GOOD example for my kids when all I hear from my family is that I am hurting them very very badly by insisting that I will NOT have my gfgbro in our lives. You and my husband are the ONLY people other than the tdocs who say this. Of course my gfgbro refuses to believe that a therapist would say that HIS behavior is inappropriate. And the main therapist who has told us this actually did an evaluation of niece, gfgbro and his ex for the courts and her response was that neither gfgbro nor his wife were healthy parents, but his ex was worse than he was. The therapist says my mother is also VERY unhealthy because Mom INSISTED that we did NOT give an "accurate" history of Wiz and our marriage, so she sent her own version in a letter to the therapist. It was really funny, or would be if it hadn't been so sad. her big reason for problems was that we moved Wiz away from them when he was 3 and THAT is the source of his problems, NOT aspergers. So ANYTHING we learn from this therapist is "wrong" in the eyes of my mom and gfgbro.

    You are ALL much more than friends. You are my chosen family. Thank you. I love you all.
  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I've known a number of people who were treated so badly by family or extended family that they (in some cases the entire family) declared the person to be a persona non grata. As far as they were concerned, such person did not exist, if such a person did exist at some point, they are "dead". i.e. "Brother? As far as I am concerned he died the day he (insert incident here). I don't have a brother anymore."
    You hang in there and do what is best for you and yours hon.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't know- it sounds like this just keeps going in circles to me. I don't know how you'll ever be able to get it over with.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    everytime and issue with your brother comes up - picture a chimpanzee in a suit, talking on the telephone - mouthing the words - I'm a monkeys uncle...I'm a monkeys uncle - no, I'm a monkey uncle I'm a monkey uncle......then those chimps on that 70's tv show used to do - because HE makes about as much sense and you should at least have a funny mental image in your head when you think of him to entertain your brain. Dress him (er the chimp) in interesting costumes every time. Suits, hats, rain bonnets, curlers......up to you. The sky is the limit.

    I would therefore also change the subject each and every time my Mother brought ANYTHING regarding my chimpanzee - up too.


    Did you know that your GFGCHIMPANZEE said today -
    SUSIE* - (cuts mom off) MOM did you know that the whale has the largest sex organ of any animal on the planet followed only in size by the walrus?
    Mom - ?????
    Mom - ????? What?
    Susie* - I said......Lovely weather we're having isn't it?
    Mom - What about the walrus?
    Susie* - THe WHAT?
    Mom- The Walrus?
    Susie* - Ku Ku Ca Chu? I don't know Mom......what about it?

    See??? :tongue:
  9. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Sharks get double lucky, they have two sets of sex organs, and the females have thicker skin than the males because .... well, they like it rough. ;)

    Perhaps my rhinoskin will be sharkskin. I like that.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    SEE??? Way To Go HAOZI.....

    Go with that susie......the shark thing.......(snort)