Knocking out agony for 2018 new motto

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Jan 5, 2018.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    A few years back I was in the midst of a horrible time with my daughter. I went to a party and could not contain myself about how awful my daughter was acting, I confinded in a woman that I thought was compassionate but instead she told me I must of been the problem to talk so harshly about my own daughter. I felt shamed and embarrassed and even more grieved on a deeper level. Flash forward a few years and I ran into this same woman, she looked thin and very sad, she walked up to me, hugged me and I could tell she felt very bad for how she treated me in the midst of my grief. She confinded in me that her daughter turned bad and decided to not have anything to do with her and has not talked to her in 3 years. I think she genuinely felt awful for treating me bad when I was in the midst of my agony.

    Even if I never experienced a bad situation and someone was telling me about it, I would never think of attacking them or making them feel worse, it is not hard to be a compassionate listener.
    I have a few friends that struggle with their kids and I see the struggle on their faces, bodies and how they walk. My son's death has tore me into a billion pieces and it hurts all the time but it does not hurt as much as my daughter's grief, I have to watch an intelligent beautiful woman make the most stupid decisions on a regular basis. My daughter is a degreed person and one step from being homeless. I guess she can live at her fancy spa but I have no idea how much longer that will be open.
    My daughter's teachers used to call me and tell me what an outstanding young woman she was and how they know she will be someone great someday, my dad and mom thought she was brilliant and so proud or what an outstanding young woman she was. She was the apple in my dad's eye, the only grandchild he was truly proud of. I remember one of her former boyfriends would say 'Does she not care that her brother and granddad's spirits can see her do these awful things? I guess what I am saying is that when I saw her full potential and see her now it busts my heart in a trillion pieces.. I know this is HER journey, not mine but such a waste of precious life, a life we all could be enjoying..I do know we all are given what we are given we just have to make the best of it. 2018 I am working on it.
     
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I think sometime the most gifted people turn out to be difficult. My son has extremely high intelligence but not one lick of common sense - couple that with an enormous ego and you have a difficult adult child.
    My son is one of those people that can read a book and retain it. He thinks because he has this ability that makes him an authority on whatever he reads and he does read a lot. He thinks if he read a book on how to perform brain surgery that he could do it. :eek:
    Yes, it's a shame that such talented people can go off the rails. :sigh:
     
  3. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    My daughter is also an avid reader. She has a photographic memory. It is so painful to see all that talent go to waste..I hear my daughter say 'I am my own business owner' and I want to scream, yes from ripped off money from your dad and me, so in fact we own the business. She has made attemps at paying us back, slow as a snail but that has stopped for now and she is ignoring us like we will just forget she still owes a large sum of money.
    Years ago at Church our Priest talked about choices. He said 'You all have a stove in your home, it is your choice to cook a pot of beans or blow up the place with that stove. When my kids were off track I would say to them, are you trying to blow your home up with that stove? and when they were on track on would say I see you are cooking a nice pot of beans. This year I will continue to slow cook that pot of beans.
    I know Tanya that your son's choices to blow up the place is so painful. My deepest prayer is that he will soon learn to cook a pot of beans.
     
  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I just read this quote from a friend and thought I would share it Here

    "That's the thing about other people's tragedies. You can stand on the sidelines and make all sorts of pronouncements about how they should be handled. But in doing so you forget an essential truth: there is no appropriate way to react to the worst life can throw at you. To attempt to impose your own so-called 'game plan' on a nightmare you yourself aren't living is the height of heinous arrogance." -Douglas Kennedy
     
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  5. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Littleboylost, Such profound words by Douglas Kennedy.
    I am positive, that after that woman found out how horrible it is on the receiving end of a child that has gone completely off the rails she was appaulled at how she treated me. I could tell how horrible she felt because of how she looked at me and wanted my compassion. I told her it was horrible and I was so sorry. I would not wish an out of control child on anyone. I have seen this pattern other times with my bipolar brother in law telling us how much better his kids are than ours and how his kids will never do this or that. Well, he has had to swallow his words hard. He got a huge dose of real life. He told me that the reason my son died is because I did something bad. So glad he is out of my life.
    We never know the levels of someone elses hurts. My friend that got a divorce was so overwhelmed to the point she could not function and almost died. I have never been divorced but I could listen to her pain which helped her. My parents got a divorce back in 1974 and my mother was the happiest person alive, my dad was completely devasted to the core of his being. We each have such different levels of what hits us to the core.
     
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    What a truly horrible thing to say. That is just plain mean and cruel. I'm so sorry you had to endure that.
     
  7. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Tanya. That is just one of the many things he has said to us. A few years ago he moved to the same town as us, he tried to get back into our lives but the damage was too far gone. Our lives are much better without him in it. Sometimes it is who is not in your life that makes it much better.
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I agree!