ktbug is sinking fast.....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Sep 28, 2010.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I haven't been about for the last couple of weeks. There was an incident at school/day treatment involving one of kt's peers. This young man accused me of being racist (this accusation came after I asked said young man to no longer call the house). In group this peer blurted out that I'm a racist & kt felt the need to defend me.

    I'm struggling with this situation because the group leader didn't stop this conversation immediately ~ the accusation was aimed at me, not at kt. Additionally, the young man was allowed to continue on & on in a very angry (& to kt threatening) matter that I asked him not to call because of the color of his skin. Apparently he was allowed to "explore" his anger toward me with kt in the room.

    She's had 3 major dissociative states including Sunday night where I found kt cowering in the corner of the shower in a very infant like state.

    ktbug has not been back to school since. I'm now struggling to find a "safe" environment for kt. SD is unwilling to support kt with a one on one para at a different setting. (Moving kt seems to be the only answer at this time ~ kt is terrified of this peer.) SD is threatening truancy charges if kt doesn't return to her "assigned & appropriate" placement I informed SD that kt's mental health was far more important than any truancy issues that may come out of this.

    This is an insane situation ~ because I asked a young man to quit calling the house I have to move my difficult child to a different setting & young man has pulled the race card & gotten away with it. The card will never be put back in the deck again.

    This stuff makes me nuts.

  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    This is just awful! Kt was doing so great.....talking about drivers license, etc.

    I think, as sad and frustrating as this situation is, it just may have brought to light two issues. First, the inability of this school to keep kt safe - or at the very least, the inability for this group leader to recognize the inappropriateness of allowing this young man to vent his anger in group rather than one on one. Second, I think it brings to light how fragile kt really is. She may present that she is doing so well, but inside she is incredibly fragile. Just below the surface...

    Hugs and support as you fight for kt. I know you thought the fighting was about over and here you are lacing up your gloves again.

  3. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I'm sorry, Linda.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Linda,
    Reading this made me so angry. A teacher or group leader should know better than this! I'm so sorry kt was forced to listen to that garbage and that she is now struggling so much. As always you both continue to be in my prayers (as well as wm). Sending gentle hugs your way.
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    (((Hugs))) for kt and you.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    {{hugs}} and support for you and kt. She is such a fragile young woman. It must be so hard for you, to go from talk of driver's licenses, etc... to this level of crisis after just one group session. I have NO understanding of why this young man was allowed to go on about his anger in a group setting, esp as it was NOT aimed at anything that a member of the group had done.

    Surely kt's psychiatrist will provide whatever documentation is needed that kt needs to be at home. If he won't, well, what can school do with truancy charges in this situation? If you still have cameras available, use them to capture some of the more fragile moments as best you can, so that you can show exactly how far this set kt back.

    I HATE that the race card can be played with impunity at any time. I realize there are great racial issues in the world, and in our communities, but surely there is a better way to handle it than letting kids abuse each other in therapy because something a parent said that had more to do with behavior than color. From what I know of you, he could have been purple with pink polka dots and you would still have asked him not to call because he was causing a problem for ktbug.

    I hope that she will bounce back from this, and that the rest of her year can be more positive. Just don't let them push you into homeschooling her - you will likely NEVER gget the level of services that she needs upon re-enrollment if that ever happened.

    What are your options? Anything we can do to help, other than thoughts and prayers?
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hugs, Linda.
  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Sending {{{hugs}}} to you & kt.
  9. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    Oh, Linda, I'm so sorry. Hugs.
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I'm so sorry! This has to be hard on both of you...

    As to the young man - clearly he must have issues of his own. Race card or no, I've sure he would have found a way to make you out to be the bad guy regardless.
  11. idohope

    idohope Member

    Sorry you are going through this. How frustrating that the trained personnel did not intercede to prevent this from becoming such a large issue. I will be thinking of you and KT.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, dear.
    I'm with-Susiestar--get the therapist to write a note, which should excuse the truancy threat.
    Best of luck with-the other issues ... or indeed, the main issue--where she will go.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    There are multiple losers here. First kt - if this is permitted to stand, she is once more on the run emotionally as well as physically. By having to move her, she again gets the message that the only way to handle a confrontation is to run away and hide. When she dissociates, she is running away because in the past, it is what she had to do. Having to move her reinforces this. [note - I am not criticising you for this choice - sometimes you do need to. But for kt, it does send this message, unfortunately]

    Second, you Linda who have worked so hard and thought the long struggle was in the last throes - it feels like back to square one. But as others have said, this incident and its fallout brings vital information. Either kt is not able to cope yet as well as you thought, or maybe this is just a brief setback which, if given the chance to resolve positively, can be another valuable learning experience, teaching her how to cope instead of retreat. But it will take a lot of work from people doing their jobs right, and given what happened, that worries me.

    Third, this young man - he has been permitted to vent his anger inappropriately, and to get away with playing the race card. This is a very bad lesson to get away with. It removes him from the need to be accountable for his behaviour, and if he gets away with this without being called on it, he then will repeat this behaviour. Without accepting responsibility for one's actions, you don't learn to behave more appropriately. His opportunity to learn has been denied, by this being allowed.

    And finally - the rest of us. The kids in that group learn the bad lessons, not the good, purely from observing how this is handled. They learn the race card can be played in order to duck out of responsibility. This sends a double message - "I can accuse others unjustly if I can find a chink" and also, "I can be accused even if I have done nothing wrong." These kids grow up and go out into society, and follow through on these bad lessons. We pay taxes which pick up the financial tab for the longer-term care of people who are poorly equipped to function independently. Plus we have to live in society with these damaged people and continue to try to support them once those badly-learned lessons are deeply ingrained and almost impossible to unlearn.

    This situation needs to be challenged and resolved. Linda, you need to put in front of these people the reasons for this young man being unwelcome. You also need to specify what he needs to do in order to be welcome once more. "Purgatory freezing over" is not permitted, I'm afraid. I must have missed what he did, but given kt's behaviour now and in the past, I suspect there was a liaison between them which either turned bad, or you blocked. So what he has to do before he is allowed back in your home - first, he has to realise that it was wrong and why. He then has to apologise. And then he can only be allowed there with adult supervision, and only if kt and you both feel safe from his aggressive behaviour. Nothing to do with his colour, because you have made the rules behaviour-based. He also blew his chance by making such an angry outburst, kt sounds like she doesn't want to have anything to do with him any more.

    Of course the young man is angry - if kt seemed to be offering nirvana, and now it is snatched away by you, he will be trying to work out why. He got sent a very mixed message and probably isn't the most stable person to begin with anyhow. So to him, in the past the problem has generally been put down to his colour. It's the easy option, the answer he can understand the fastest. But he needs to know, there are a lot of other reasons he has to look at, before he considers race to be the reason.

    OK, maybe he can continue to believe it was due to racism, but he has to(from his perspective, remember) be made to face other reasons that are ahead in the queue. Then, after he has looked at those reasons, he needs to reconsider his concerns and perhaps recognise that this time , there were enough problems with the situation for race to just not be relevant.

    The SD needs to step in and ensure that this is resolved. Such an accusation cannot be allowed to stand. You have the right to choose who is welcome in your home, but a damaged boy needs to understand that it is NOT about race, and that he cannot claim it is. He brought it out into the open, which means you should have right of reply as well as right to defend yourself. He has lost his right to privacy and confidentiality, you can now publicly (in this group) explain the reasons he is not welcome.

    SD want kt back in this placement, so they need to make it possible. And perhaps if SD work with you to try to make it possible, they may be the ones to realise that it won't work, after all. Having SD then work with you to sort out an alternative placement would make life a lot easier for you.

  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Linda. Hugs to you and kt.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I'm so sorry Linda. Keeping you and kt in my thoughts fora fair resolution. I agree with marg and susie, but it all depends on so many factors. Hugs.
  16. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey Linda,

    How are things with kt? Any resolutions on where she goes from here yet?

  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda, I so sorry to read that kt was in this situation and the resulting behavior from it. HUGS!
  18. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    so many things wrong here.

    School should make it a priority that KT is safe and feels safe. If this peer is making her feel threatened, then this child should be kept away from Kt.
    Sending prayers to you and Kt.
  19. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Thank you all. Marg & Susie I agree with all you have said. The therapist, myself & psychiatrist has taken this from every angle. kt is more than terrified of "young man". She told me if he wasn't in school she would go back in a minute.

    I encouraged kt to have a mtg here at home with her home room teacher; it would be empowering for her to tell him the reason why she is not coming back to school & ask if there is any way school will help her feel safe. kt has refused that mtg.
    It's been a tough week all around. Saying that, it looks as though we will have to transfer kt out of this setting to more likely an online charter school until I can find an open enrollment in a different setting or district if need be. I've had kt working reading & writing reports & doing math. I have her researching a project involving the hx of our state.

    It's been a bit stressful dealing with SD & this time they will win. I haven't the energy to take this one on. This warrior mum is running on empty.
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I would still have the meeting in your home, and if kt won't attend, at least she is in the vicinity of it and if necessary, you can excuse yourself, go to kt and say, "Ms so-and-so says X happened. Can you confirm this?" or in some other way use kt's presence to clarify information. It also means she is, at least a little, exposed to the resolution process. She needs to know that even if she chooses to never go back there, there still needs to be resolution.