L called last night... happy dance...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by witzend, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    She tells me that Thanksgiving is being held at my perfect sister's house this year. You know, the middle child, alcoholic, bi-polar (mostly manic but crashes hard every time), three times married, uber controlling child. :wink: IOW, Mommy and Daddy's favorite.

    Let me preface this by saying that in a perfect world, my husband would have stepped up a long time ago to call my parents up and ask them what the heck they thought that they were doing not inviting us to family functions. In a perfect world L would have told them "No, if my mom's not invited, I'm not coming." In a perfect world, my mom (who claims to just want me back in the family fold) would say "She's my daughter and I'm inviting her for Christmas" or "She's my daughter and if she's not invited I'm not coming." But the world's not perfect.

    Instead there is "We don't invite her because we know she doesn't want to come." Which is something I have never said.

    So, and please be aware that under these circumstances, I am actually very happy with the results of my conversation with L regarding the holidays.

    She called last evening, and asked me what I wanted her to do. I told her I didn't really want her to do anything, it was just something I was pointing out - if I'm not good enough to invite to Thanksgiving where everyone is on their best behavior and we could pretend to be nice for an hour or so, an invitation to the large impersonal drunken brawl of an Irish family reunion that was also sent to the family convicted murderer and the family child molester doesn't seem like much of an invite. (I didn't give her the picturesque descriptions. She already knows.)

    She asked if I wanted her to ask if I could come. I told her that I wanted her to want to ask that I could come, but being as it is at my (unemployed homebody) sister's (who had a particularly large role in the 'big blowup') and that we already have plans and probably couldn't stay, and that this was not my intent in mentioning it to her in the first place, it should probably be best left to another time. L insisted that she wanted to work this out, so she would call Grandma. Huh? L says she doesn't have my sister's number, blah blah blah. Fine. But everyone needs to understand that if we come, it will only be for a short time as we already have plans.

    So, L calls grandma, who tells her that it would be best if grandma calls S to ask. L calls me right back to tell me that either Grandma or S will get right back to her and someone will call me. She tells me that she told grandma that she thought it would go a long way towards healing the family rift if I were invited. Hmmm, you'd think that might be something a 79 year old was already aware of. (Could it be that they don't want to heal the rift?) Three hours later, at dinner, I am getting the warm-all-over feeling that S is probably into her third bottle of wine by now, crying uncontrollably, because she just can't figure out how to say "no" and still come out of this looking good.

    No one ever called. I feel a little bad for L. Like I said earlier, I would be happier if she refused to go on principle, but she's not that grown up yet. But, I am sure that she is uncomfortable (she should be) that they have either said "no", or she's waiting for them to call her back. Maybe she'll have principles next time. Even if my sister were out of the house, my mom would have eventually called to tell L that we shouldn't wait and worry. (As if!)

    I tell you, I am doing a great big happy dance! It's been nine years that I have been left out of holidays, weddings, funerals, child births, etc., on the BS story that I don't want to go. Well, I guess we put that to rest, didn't we? I don't have to feel bad about holidays anymore. I called their bluff and they folded.


    And me and the hippy friends still get to sit around on Thanksgiving and sing and eat and drink.

    :smile: :xmasdancers:

    Sounds like one of the best Thanksgivings in a long time.
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am So Happy for You! YAY!
    You deserve the best holiday you have had in a decade.
    Happy Eating & Celebrating!
    :thanksgiving1: :smile:
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I am getting the warm-all-over feeling that S is probably into her third bottle of wine by now, crying uncontrollably, because she just can't figure out how to say "no" and still come out of this looking good. :sad: :rofl: :slap:

    OMG - YOU DO NOT have ANY idea HOW MUCH I relate to that.

    Don't you know "WE" wrecked "THEIR" lives? sigh......

    I bet $82,000.00 in therapy says I did NOT! (bwah ha ha)


  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Gawd I love that you guys "get it"!

    Funnily enough, my cell phone battery is dead, and I am going to be out all day. Too bad no one will be able to reach me!
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Have your day, the way you want to have your day.

    Sheesh. Just...OMG.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aren't families fun? LOL!

    :rofl: :hammer:
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm happy if you are happy, Witz.

    Enjoy! :thanksgiving2:

  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh my I so love this!!! I so get it... I have heard so many times from my sweet Father, not much of a father, she knows what she is doing, she chose her options... it's her decsion.
    "We want you to be part of our life" Oh the BS... My brother could be your sister...

    I am dancing with you!!! Good job. :princess:
  9. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member


    Forgive me if I overstep my bounds. But, I really feel that you need to leave your daughter out of this.

    Whatever your issues with your family - they are not her issues with her family. And although you are OK with not being a part of things - it doesn't sound like she is OK with not being a part of things.

    I would imagine your daughter feels like she's in the middle of a tug of war. It's not a fun place to be.

    In psychological terms we call this triangulation. It's not healthy. It's not productive.

    She's 24. If she wants to be involved with her grandparents/aunts/cousins then she should be allowed to do so without the pressure of wanting to please you too.

    If you're happy with your holiday plans - more power to ya!! But, let her be happy with holiday plans as well.

    in my humble opinion.
  10. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member

    Glad that it's all out in the open now. Feeling bad for L, since she's in the middle, but she is probably seeing them all for who they really are, now.
  11. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Witz- Every person I know is dreading their holiday get together for some reason. We are the lucky ones, just having our turkey and wine and chillin'..... Life is seriously too short to waste one day. You'll be with your loved ones. Have fun.-Alyssa
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member


    While I appreciate your input on this, you don't have enough information to appreciate that L has been the center of this for the past nine years, brought into it by my parents. I didn't and haven't "brought her into it." They've used her as a tool from beginning to hurt and manipulate and their interference with me as her parent in the most basic matters was the final straw in our relationship. She has been torn for years about it, and all I did was give an adult woman a reasonable explanation why I am not falling all over myself to go to a family reunion with 400 strangers when I'm not welcome at any actual family functions with my brothers, sisters, and parents.

    But L is always invited without husband and I. And every time (though she goes less and less) she comes back to me crying because they tell her I don't go because I don't want to, and "why don't you just try?" She's not a little girl any more, she's a woman who has been manipulated against me from the age of 14 months when her dad and step-mom told her to call me "Mommy Witzend" and the stepmom "Mommy" because I was "only the mommy because she was in my tummy and stepmom is her real mommy because stepmom's the one who loves her."

    She deserves to be dealt with rationally and honestly. Our relationship is going well, and she is dealing very well with this and not upset. She's seeing things clearly and acting rationally. Much more maturely than I would have hoped for two years ago. Your advice might be right on for some, but not in this case. I do appreciate your concern, though. No hard feelings.

    I'll update the saga seperately.

  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I never did get a call from anyone in my family today regarding Thanksgiving. I finally decided to let L off the hook and call her and remind her that I didn't really expect an invite, it was only an observation made at the suggestion of my therapist.

    L told me that no one called her back last night. So she called my mom this morning. She said that my mom told her that she hadn't spoken to my sister (maybe she had, maybe she hadn't, I don't know) because grandma felt that it was too short of notice and she felt that Thanksgiving wasn't an appropriate time to have a reunion with me. She wanted to be able to think about it and plan something where they could dedicate more time to having there with them all and they all could be warned - er, I mean have advance notice.

    Oh, goody. I'm 12 years old again and got caught smoking and need to have a "discussion", but this time I'm supposed to want to do it in front of my grown daughter with my brother's and sister's joining in the fun! NOT!

    I explained to L that I hadn't really wanted her to ask in the first place, it was just an observation of inequities. I also pointed out that if I were to receive a call from my daughter or sister or mother or friend even an hour before Thanksgiving dinner asking if they could come (or bring my long lost mother, daughter, sister, son, etc) they answer would be "yes", without a second thought. L agreed. Not reluctantly agreed, she agreed. She said "Well, I'm not going, either." OK. It's not what I asked, but it's the right decision. Finally.

    I called the friend whose house we are going to tomorrow and asked if I could bring L with me. She said "Of course!" Now, that's the way it's supposed to be done!

    She just called back and said that she is coming over to play Wii with her new boyfriend. He's a computer consultant. Sounds promising!

    And I'm still looking forward to a good day tomorrow.
  14. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I remember some of this - other parts I don't. I'm proud that you have moved on & created your own "family of friends" with which to celebrate the holiday.

    Whether this ever gets resolved with the rest of your family remains on them. You're open & willing.

    Don't you just wish some people would grow up & get a life? :crazy2: :smile:

    Enjoy your day today. :flower:
  15. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Thanks for filling in some of missing pieces.

    Navigating family is so hard. And with all the given 'issues' with your bio family - it sounds wise to keep a healthy distance.

    I in no way meant to judge or be critical - it just sounded from your original post that this family situation was putting your daughter in a tough place. I was trying to see it from her perspective. She is an adult and it sounds like she can see the writing on the wall. Good for her.

    I hope you have a marvelous day.
  16. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    So on top of it all, L, who is your daughter, will be with you on Thanksgiving?


    That is wonderful.