Last day of work and I am freaking out!


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It is really upsetting to me that my supervisor is applying for these two secretarial positions. I am almost sure she will get one of them. She has already passed the 50 wpm typing test (which I can't seem to pass for the LIFE of me,) Her computer skills are way more advanced than mine, and most importantly, she is bilingual. Not to mention she is drop dead gorgeous, dresses really really nice, and looks like a million bucks. I already know I will not get either position.

I am reading and re reading the computer skills info my boyfriend gave me, and it's like I am reading Chinese. I am playing around on my computer at work, trying to put in use what I have read, and I can't do it. Not to mention, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to type more than 40 words per minute. Let's face, it, I will have a new supervisor next year, and I will be getting all the calls instead of splitting them up half and half. That's approximately 100 phone calls a day. I can't even handle my 50 calls now much less 100.

My supervisor just told me earlier today that she is going to text me right away if she gets either job. The job interview, after all the testing has been done, is scheduled for July 22. That means somewhere around that time, I will find out I have a new supervisor, and I will still have more than half the summer to obsess about it. I will have one anxiety ridden summer. I do not want to find out in July if she got the job. I don't want to stress and obsess. I would rather wait to find out when I come back in September. In the meantime, I am going to stress until July 22, waiting anxiously for the outcome. I can't even enjoy my summer, darn it, and that makes me mad. Why, oh why, do I have to have such bad anxiety? I hate it!


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My application for those two jobs was denied. I have no idea why. I didn't get accepted so there is no testing or interviews. Two weeks into summer and I'm freaking out. Bad anxiety. I will find out in 9 days if I have a new supervisor or not. I have a feeling life is about to get a lot harder for me in September. I wish I could just forget about it for awhile and enjoy my summer. But I can't.


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CB. I am sorry life is so hard, but it is. I am having a hard time too. Work has pushed me over the edge. When I am sad and struggling sometimes I think of you. You are my role model. You have handled a difficult and almost abusive situation with grace and dignity. I have no doubt that if you have to face it again in September you will do the same. I only wish you and I could find better ways to cope so that we do not suffer so.

I too have nagging anxiety and intensity in my head. I am in a job where I have to be confident and strong, and I am in the way I present myself (mostly, except I cried last week) and I do have a great deal of confidence in my capacity and in myself. But my feelings are very strong--I am sensitive and I react to things--I worry and I stress. And I am too old to very likely change. I think this is me and it is my temperament. And now because life has hit me so hard--my son, my mother--not being able to get over it--I am just plain vulnerable period, in a way I never have been before.

I do not know what else to say, CB, but it is not just you. At the very least, it is me too, and I do not know either what to do.

I am sending you a big hug, CB. We will get through this. How, I am not quite sure.


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CB, I wanted to write a bit about what is happening to me at work. I am thinking if we join together in this we might feel stronger and less alone. Last Friday the young male supervisor interrogated me for 15 minutes in front of other people, trying to get me to break--why? Because I did not go along 100 percent with his point of view. I could not go along with him, because it would have meant doing something unethical and more than this--it would be joining with him to break my own spirit, to be somebody less than I am or want to be.

There was another supervisor present who is also my supervisor, an older woman, 77 years old. We had been friendly. I understand why she did not intervene, and I understand why she was cool to me today, but it still hurts. All day today I expected to be dismissed, and I am mentally preparing for it. Not because I did something wrong but because I stood up for myself and for a patient I am responsible for.

I led a group today, of maybe 6 male prisoners. A clinical group. And I asked them, using myself as an example so that they would not feel on the hook. I said: OK. We all agree that this is a scary place, designed to crush our spirits. Let us say that somebody treated me badly, and I could not leave. But I felt sad and I felt frightened. And I felt of lower power and value, because that is what the intention was. (Because that is exactly what happens to them on a moment to moment basis.)

What could I do? I will try to remember the answers:

Tell yourself that you have free will and that you can choose your response. That even if somebody treated you like an animal you could respond as a person of worth and purpose and dignity. That you do not have to be defined or define yourself based upon how others treat you.

Tell yourself that you determine your value and nobody else does.

Tell yourself that even though you feel alone and powerless that G-d loves you.

Remind yourself that there are people who love you.

Decide to hold yourself as valuable and worthy, regardless of what anybody does or says.

It is easy to abandon ourselves when others treat us as if we have less value or their behavior towards us makes us doubt our own worth. I them how much I cared. And I thanked them, for reminding me I was not alone. And that I would remember their kindness and their wisdom.

When all is said and done, we are all the same. It is the human condition that when people get power they seem to use it to distinguish themselves from other people, using other people just because they can. I wonder if our bosses would have been able to identify with somebody alone and powerless and scared. Like we feel, sometimes.


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I agree with Copa. You have to change the negative track that plays in your head. Positive self talk will change how you see yourself. When you start to feel positive about yourself others will see you that way.


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I don't believe we are too old to change ever. I am still constantly evloving and changing for a better life. We still have life left and can learn to make it better. People have long life spans these days

We may not WANT to put forth the effort to change, at ANY age, but we CAN change. I have continued to work on myself and from age 50 to now I have changed a lot and continue to want to change, such as abandoning my comfort zone and jumping into an RV life. I am determined not to live the rest of my life with regret and fear and excess old baggage renting space in my head. My loved ones would not want me to mourn them forever. Your mother wouldn't want you to still be mourning her.

I dont believe we are set in our ways unless we don't want to change. Copa you can finally put your mother to rest, you can change how you think and behave, you can learn new ways of talking to yourself. You can find peace about your son because you have given him all the did your very best in life for others and now you can do your best fir you Its not too late. You can do for yourself what you so eloquently tell other people to do. If you want to do nice things for you.

Im not saying you should change, if you are content. It is entirely up to you. Only you can decide these things...people of all ages change. You csn too, if you wish.