Last night I had a talk with my SO about my son. I told him about more of the layers I am peeling away to see what is. To accept what is. He knows a lot about this subject. He has counseled many parents and kids who are addicts. We talked about how much progress I have made. He is such a good listener and he just lets me cry if I need to. I trust him, and so I can tell him the raw truth, like we write here, and in telling him, sometimes I hear and learn new things. He has watched, and supported and lived with me these past three years of my son's journey. He has seen it nearly first hand, but he is more objective, as he is not his father. That has helped me. We talked about the last time I "fell off the wagon" when I was doing so well in maintaining my "No" and then, suddenly, I got so scared and I caved. I don't want to do that next time and I am trying to find the path to be strong when the onslaught begins. I am going to write down some more things so I am better prepared. Then I am going to write down "Wait." That has worked for me in the past----that when I am talking to my difficult child and I start getting twisted up and confused and scared by what he is saying, because I didn't prepare for this new bit of news or information or ask. If somehow I can just get some separation and some time, right in that moment, I can break the cycle. I am slowly, slowing coming to see something that I have been fighting for a long, long time. I didn't want to see it and I didn't want to say it. And it makes me so sad. I can see now that my son and I need to have no contact for a while. You just don't know how sad that makes me. I am seeing more and more of my own naivete in dealing with my son. I am just simply no match for him. It is like a big bully and a little girl going at it. This little girl has been getting stronger, but he is always one step ahead of me. At least. Why? Because he is dealing with the what I want, and the here and now, and at all costs. I am dealing out of my love for him and my concern for him, and trying to find something, desperately, I can say Yes to for my son. Wrong thinking on my part. Wrong thinking. As long as there is one chink in my armor, my son is going to find it, dig in, and exploit it. Then all of my armor falls away and I am vulnerable again, completely exposed, and I have to build my armor back. Thankfully, it doesn't take as long as it did the first time, BUT there is still such a cost to me and to my life. Also, I am setting him back. Because I am once again teaching him that I will cave and thus, he doesn't have to do it. He doesn't have to take responsibility and figure it out on his own. Argh. This is such a bitter pill to swallow. It is such a blessing to see something new, and then to sit with it, sit with the pain of it, and slowly take it in. I want to be gentle and kind in my detachment. I don't want to say and do things I later will be sorry for, as best I can. I believe, I so believe, that the path for him and for me is a separate path, a path of adults living their own lives. I have to connect that conscious thought and knowledge with my heart and then with my mouth so I can be singing the same song on all fronts. That is when he and I can get better, by the grace of God. So, thanks for listening to this. I will not do anything hasty, but let time take its time. I will wait.