Last night

in a daze

Well-Known Member
I am just so impressed with your strength and your courage, COM.

I guess we're more fortunate(?) that our difficult child has kind of a shallow bottom unlike the rest of you who post here...he always capitulated when we told him it was rehab/psychiatric hospitalization or the streets...I hope we never have to be tested like that.
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
So every day is a new day in the land of my difficult child.

Today, he began texting, fb messaging me and calling me about needing more clothes. Remember I left some clothes on the front porch Friday night----he took part of them---with the idea that once he was "settled" I would bring all of his clothes to him....well he had blood in his boxers and in his jeans and needed more clothes NOW. (this is not a new medical ailment---complains of it before when homeless in jail etc., but never goes to the Dr. about it when given the chance).

I ignored all. I had a meeting this morning. I could hear my phone buzzing all throughout the meeting. Multiple calls and texts from him, texts ramping up: "Do you just want me to kill myself because that is what I'm going to end up doing and I don't think ya'll would even care."

Also not the first time we have heard this. But...as we all know...we take every threat of suicide seriously.

I had three options---call police and tell them where I thought he was, call the place where I thought he was and tell them, or meet him there myself and spell out my boundaries again. It would seem that the first two options were the best but realizing that they would take him to the ER, from there he would go to the state hospital to be evaluated and then 5 days later he's back here only to start it all again (wow I sound cynical) I opted for the latter. I went to get him some more clothes from my house and met him at the day shelter where he was.

I wouldn't let him get in my car to talk. We stood outside the car. I basically told him the gospel truth, unvarnished. I said the next time you threaten suicide I will call the police no questions asked. You have disrespected every request I have made in the postcard I mailed you in jail to the rules I posted on FB yesterday. The next time you violate my rules I will get a restraining order against you. I dont want to hear from you except on Saturday morning between 10 and 11 a.m. for a 10-minute phone call and again the next Saturday for the same. Your bloody underwear, your bed tonight (or lack of it), your next meal, your Rx, your blisters on your feet---they are all your responsibility and your problem to solve. You are a nearly 25 year old man. You are sitting here waiting on someone to save you and you're going to be sitting here this same time next year if you don't take responsibility for your own life. Etc. I spelled it out. There was no mistaking any of it. I also told him that I love him and that if/when he demonstrates FOR A LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG time---we decide HOW long---that he has turned things around, there are lots of people who would/will come alongside him and help him. Like a year from now at least, of him being responsible, working, taking care of his own needs, no drugs, no arrests, etc.

"Well, I'd like to go back to college."

I laughed out loud. I know that was mean, but it was spontaneous.

"I don't mean right now, but later." I said you may want to get a place to sleep first before you try to enroll.

Anyway. You get the picture. I won't bore you with any more of the conversation. The whole thing lasted 5 minutes.

I haven't heard from him since so at least for today, there is some reprieve from the constant harassment.

I feel good about what I said. I probably talked too much but everything I said was the truth and the way I feel. I wasn't mean. I didn't call him any names, but I also didn't mince words. They came bursting out of me---some of them were long overdue and i guess I just got to the point to say it all.

then, on the way to my next meeting, I called my ex-husband and we talked for about 45 minutes. He is more done than I am. He said he was glad I cracked the door open because he just can't right now. It was a good conversation between two people who have tried it all---and know it all doesn't work.

So---another step forward. What a crazy place to be in life.
 

Echolette

Well-Known Member
I feel good about what I said.

I feel GREAT about what you said! It was totally completely on point, fair, and appropriate. Wow! So many layers falling away for you...so great that he had a chance to hear it so clearly. You were so so so right!

I have to say, his responses are so exactly like my difficult child..who occasionally tells me he wants to get a PhD (HAHAHAHAHAH...dude, you didn't finish high school).

YOu are forcing him to take responsibility. Because he has to. Whether that responsibility means he sleeps in the snow in bloody underwear or not is up to him. Telling him you'll call the police for suicide threats is entirely appropriate. If he threatens again...do it.

I even like that you had kind of a nice conversation with your ex. I do that sometimes too.

Good goin, sister!

Echo
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Wow. Good going COM.

You know, I think now, (that I am out of the land of crazy) that those encounters you are having, where you get to keep saying what you truly feel, what you've wanted to say for so long, what is in your heart and what is the truth, are necessary and although this is certainly for your difficult child, it is for you too.

I did that same thing with my daughter. First I was angry. But I said what I wanted to say thought that filter. Then I was not and I just started saying the truth. This has gone on now since the summer. Each time something came up, I took it as an opportunity to be clear, to state my truth, to set another boundary. Each time I was more clear, less anxious, more honest and each time I expressed more then the last time.

About a month or two ago she emailed me something and I sat at my desk at work and literally emptied myself of what was left of what I needed/wanted to say. I was very kind and caring and just stated what was true for me. It was a long email. I think I posted about it, I'm not sure, but I told SO at the time, "I think I've now said it all, there is nothing left for me to say." What's interesting is that I've even seen her less since then. With each truth, with each opportunity, our paths were more and more separate. That was not my intention, nor what I would necessarily want....... but that is what has happened.

As I go through my own process and observe yours and others here, there really is a clear trajectory of detachment and acceptance..........as we show up for each new encounter, each new issue, we are confronted with another opportunity to make it absolutely clear what we are now willing to do, what we are not willing to do, what we want and what we will not tolerate. I have gotten pretty good at it now, no more wishy washy me, no more doubts, no more editing what I want to say.............it's clear and it easily emerges from my lips. It is simply, the truth.

I believe when we are clear inside, we can express that clarity outside and those around us take heed, now we mean business.

You did a great job COM. You consistently show up. That reminds me of the Four Fold Way, which is a Native American Conflict resolution tool.........it is........show up, pay attention, tell the truth and don't be attached to the outcome. If we can do that, we can resolve it. It's easy to get stuck in any one of those.

I hope you can take a moment to really acknowledge how hard this is and how well you're doing......it takes courage to walk this path, it takes strength and it takes a real commitment to ourselves and really, to our kids too. You've walked this path with grace and dignity COM and you've given those of us here a real model of how to respond with finesse and elegance under enormous pressure. Very, very nice.
 

Scent of Cedar *

Well-Known Member
Yes. Very good. I am proud of you, too. Something had to change. Your difficult child would be happy to play this game with you instead of devoting that same energy to creating his life, for the rest of his life.

Just think how many of the hours of our lives are devoted to "helping" adults who need to take charge of themselves.

You are doing the right thing.

The right thing for everyone, difficult child included.

I'm here, checking in to see how you are, and I am proud of you, too. Every one of us who can do this gives strength to the others of us who need to do this with our own difficult children.

It is hard, but you are doing so well.

Cedar
 
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