Learning the site and my thoughts on it.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tiredparents, May 23, 2011.

  1. tiredparents

    tiredparents New Member

    I just wanted to put this in thanking everyone that has sent a response to my first post. I have changed names and such to be safer.

    I am glad that I have found this site for my family. I may be completely wrong, but I felt as though a few of the responses that I did get from my very first post were almost talking to me like I should know how to handle every situation that we are going through, and that I was approaching things wrong. I just want to state that this is all a learning process for me, as well as for my family. I am taking every day as a new day and try to approach things in the best way that I know. I lost my mother to cancer 12 years ago, so I do not have anyone that I can turn to for support in my close circle, other than my wonderful husband.

    I suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm in August of 2010 and almost died several times, and I am so thankful to be alive and to be able to be a mother to my children. Things are hard for me to deal with also. I definitely have some issues with my memory now, and with my nerves. I have to take nerve pills on a daily basis to try to keep my own self sane. Even though I do not like the person that I am today, I know that it is not my fault and that all I can do is to keep a positive attitude.

    My family is the most important thing to me. I was only looking for support when I found this site. I know that some of the people on here have been dealing with their own situations for far longer than myself, and I will gladly accept any type of advice that I can get. I guess I was just looking for some softer support for the fact that I am new to the site, and that I am learning to deal with my difficult child everyday. I have never been around children with any type of disabilities, so I am very new learning how to cope and deal with the situations that come in my home. I may not ask things the right way, but I am learning what works and what does not. I am not perfect. I am struggling. I can admit that.

    But what parent does not struggle in the beginning of learning and accepting the fact that their child has problems? It is hard to accept as I am sure you are all aware of.

    I just felt the need to put this post out there instead of just leaving the site, because I know that I need all the friends and help that I can get. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I'm glad you survived your medical ordeal. Sounds horrible, but so happy you made it.

    I did not answer your first post as I wasn't sure how. I only answer when I think I can help. Having said that, what is it that you want from us so that we can try to provide it? I read through the posts and those are pretty typical of the way we answer...we try to throw suggestions out there and you can take what you feel is useful and leave the rest.

    Welcome to the board, but sorry you have to be here. I hope you don't leave. There are some really nice people here who want to help.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, no - please don't leave!

    Sometimes we come across as a little brusque. It's not that we think you should know everything - quite the opposite!!! In fact, I'm still waiting to find out the rest of everything.

    We don't know everything about your life, so there will be some times when we just can't get it right. Also... There's times we don't remember stuff (which is when the signature comes in super handy!).

    I remember about a month after I started posting here, someone commented on one of my posts and I felt like they were yelling at me. I was upset... But that person, now, is one of my best sounding boards. It's a bit difficult, sometimes, when you're not seeing facial expressions and hearing tone of voice.

    Besides... We don't know everything, and we're not doctors, but sometimes someone will come up with something we haven't tried... And sometimes, it works really well!!!

  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Welcome. This is a soft place to land, but a lot of us have been here for a while. If you're just starting out on the journey to supporting a child you didn't realise initially needed extra help, then yes, it is a steep learning curve. I will try to be gentle with you!

    Here, we do recognise that parents are not perfect. Also, so often, especially in the early stages of "Oh, crud! I think my kid has problems!" we tend to be reactive instead of proactive. It is hard to be proactive when you don't know that some saboteur is drilling holes in the dyke - all you can do is plug each leak as you find it. We do get this.

    Some suggestions (including what you have undoubtedly already been told) -

    1) Read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Go to Early Childhood forum and read info on this book in the sticky there. It will help, at some level. Sadly, it is not a cure. Just a different way to manage.

    2) If you can, get your husband to lurk here/post here too. It has really helped me and my husband, who is now a member here in his own right. He even steals my FaceBook page! We already had a close relationship, we thought we were communicating as well as anybody could, but there was always a lag in my working out some ideas, and husband being able to acquaint himself with them sufficiently, to come on board. But when he began lurking, he would come home from work having read what I posted, and ready to discuss it on equal terms. It made such a difference, more than we could have thought possible. But he couldn't read "The Explosive Child" even though he tried. So I summarised it for him, which was actually a really useful thing to do.

    3) Read other threads and other posts. It can open you up to other ideas as well as give you confidence in your own situation. A kid like yours and mine can really rock your confidence. This site helped me find my confidence again and gave me the courage to take chances and take a stand for my child.

    4) the neuropsychologist assessment will be very useful, I am glad you have him down for one. It's frustrating to have to wait.

    5) Hang in there. Whether you stay here or not, your son has you for the long haul and needs you. It won't be easy, with us or without us.

    As for your health - you're not alone in that here either, sadly. I'd like to say it's the stress of our kids, but not in all cases. My own health failed after an injury at work, a very minor one, led to a domino cascade. Part of my problems health-wise include a certain amount of "brain fog". This happened when difficult child 1 was a baby (and not really a difficult child at the time!) so I can't blame my kids. Other parents here are also struggling with similarly serious chronic health problems. Some of them were members of this site before they became ill, we watched over them as best we could from where we are around the world. If you need to dump on us about your health or other non-kid issues, check out Watercooler.

    It's early days for you health-wise, as well as early days for you in learning to cope with this boy, so you have a nasty double-whammy. The emotional fallout for you will be considerable and there really isn't a lot you can do to head it off at the pass. The most important thing you can do, is look after your own needs first. Make sure that your first priority is to look after the mother of your children. Your second priority is your relationship with the father of your children. Then come the children. It sounds selfish, but it's pure survival mode.

    And lastly - there can be a lot of joy in this too. Just a different brand of it.

    I'm glad you're here with us, I hope we can help.

  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tired, I am certain that if you got some suggestions it was only in an effort to help you.

    NOBODY knows how to handle every situation. Ever. I don't care how long you have been doing this. Every child is different, every family is different. If there was a solution, we would not be here. Every post is different even if there are common themes.

    Some of us have found some methods that are helpful, even if only for a short time. Nobody has a solution here. Believe me. If we did, we would have patented it! LOL!
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Goodness, a brain aneurism! How scary. So sorry you have to take daily medications, but a lot of people do so as you said, just accept it and move on as best you can.
    I'm going back to look at your original post to see what we may have "presumed" in regard to your experiences and learning curve.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Okay, I went back and read the thread.
    It looks like a regular give-and-take to me.
    We do tend to give advice. It's hard not to. That has nothing to do with-who you are or whether you are doing a "good" job or not. It has to do with-our seeing your situation from this board (and this is all we have to go on) and interjecting our ideas and experiences. It is human nature.
    Take what you need from this board and ignore the rest.
    I have gotten some really good ideas from this group.
    I have also rolled my eyes at a few posts ... and really disagreed with-some, as well.
    Any time you get two people in a room together, you will have two opinions, Know what I mean??
    Stay ... let us know what's going on in your life. You've got a lot on your plate. I think this is a good place for you, especially since people are on the board at all hrs of the night and your chances of getting a response around the clock are pretty good.
    Sometimes, quite frankly, I don't care what the response is when I post, when I'm at my wits end. I just want someone out there to respond, so I know I'm not alone. It's like yelling in the dark of the night and actually hearing a response.
    I can pick apart the meaning of the response when I'm awake and feeling better ... :)
    I hope that helps.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi, Im one of the moderators on this board but I moderate on a forum for older kids...grown kids. I didnt respond to your other post because I dont spend a lot of time on general but I saw this and thought I would jump in.

    I hope you will stick around. Sometimes the written word can be harder to interpret than what the writer really meant to say. No facial expressions ya know? I have been here for over 12 years now and this is a great place. I came when my youngest was 12 and he is almost 25. People here are great. No one here knows everything but lots of us have years of experience dealing with our kids and can share what we have done. We want to hear what you have tried too. We promise nothing can surprise or shock us...lol. Believe me, my kid has pretty much won the award for idjit behavior of all time!

    Hope to see more of you.
  9. keista

    keista New Member

    Ditto to what everyone said, and I'm a newbie.

    In such a short period of time I have gathered so much strength and information from this board that I can't even express. I've also cried and laughed at other ppl's stories and problems. I've also offered my insight to situations that I can only imagine, and it's not that I think I know better, but something SCREAMS off the page at me, and I do know that maybe (probably) they've been there done that, but it could have been years ago, and a forgotten tactic or idea, and some of these struggles are so intense, and dealing with ANY issues parents get so tired, so maybe new eyes can help - I hope.

    Then there's being proactive. Just last night I wend hunting through the "archives" here looking for help with my current problems. Lo and behold I found a very short post from two years ago which seemed to confirm what my gut was telling me.

    Not everyone will "get" what you are going through. Everyone brings their perspective and experiences to the table, and sometimes this could make things even more overwhelming. But this is a very caring and supportive community.
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Welcome to the group. I actually didn't see your first thread, so I went back and read it...

    I think I understand what you are talking about. You said that you took the child to a doctor and was told a certain thing - and then we, on the board, kind of dismissed that and said 'Get a new doctor!'

    There is a reason behind this -

    Too many times, parents see something that they know instinctively is "not quite right"...but they don't know how to fix it. And being the loving, caring parents that they are....they take their child to the doctor - usually the pediatrician. And unfortunately, too many times, parents' concerns are brushed off, dismissed as worring over nothing - or worse, the child is given an instant "diagnosis" such as ODD or ADHD without any in-depth testing.

    And then parents are started off on a wild-goose-chase trying to "fix" their parenting, try a new discpline method (or worse - started right away on various medications without having had a thorough diagnosis in the first place)

    Speaking for myself - I had NO IDEA that I should go and get a second opinion. My pediatrician said X, and since he's the "expert", he must know what he is talking about...and I spent a long time doubting myself instead of getting help for my child.

    Now, through hard experience, I know better.

    And when the Board Family reads about yet another parent getting an "instant diagnosis" from a pediatrician...we want to spare them years of agonizing over their own shortcomings.

    You are a good parent. You KNOW something is wrong. You would like to help the child. But probably don't have any idea where to turn for REAL help.

    And that is where we come in. We can often spot "clues" in one another's posts....give suggestions of ideas to explore....possible solutions to try...
    We are not trying to make you feel as though you 'should have know better' - but we DO want you to feel as thiough you can trust your gut.

    You know your child better than anyone in the world.

    You are the best possible person to help them!

  11. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I second that!
  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I third that.

    I was fairly lucky in that I *only* lost a couple of years listening to my "expert" pediatrician tell me my youngest son may have problems, but there was no way to know or do anything about it until he was in school and having problems....

    Well he's in school, and he's having problems, and I got a new pediatrician when he was about 3, and we worked to address the problems long before he started school. I can't imagine where he'd be if I'd waited.
  13. wintak

    wintak New Member

    Hey Tired...I'm new, too. I've felt a little taken aback at some of the responses, but I think I have figured out something....and this is for me.

    I'm going through a "grieving process" if you will. While we had been in therapy and life had been so difficult we had no diagnosis, per se. Now it got so bad we had to go to psychiatrists, more therapy etc so we just recently got the diagnosis. It's hard. Our family is going through shock, defiance, grieving and whatever else, before we hit acceptance. I'm alone most of the time with difficult child and the 2 others. It's intense and I have SO MANY hard feelings towards difficult child (be it his fault or not...it's a process) and this has to be worked through. I'm trying the best I can, but I think many have had their diagnosis for many years so maybe they come across differently than those of us who have wounds that are still fresh.

    Just my .02
  14. tiredparents

    tiredparents New Member

    First I will start off by saying that I feel so much better after reading all of these responses from this post.

    Marguerite - I completely agree with the survival mode. It makes perfect sense. My husband is very active on here with me. We sat together the day we found this and read through many many posts that were very helpful. Thankfully he is on 100% the same page as me, and we are good team together. So that is a plus. :) Thanks for being gentle. This is all very fresh for us.

    busywend - I get that. :) I wish there was a simple easy solution, but I know that there is not. So all we can do is take it day by day.

    TerryJ2- I definitely think that I might have just had too soft of skin yesterday. I thank you very much for your suggestions, I will keep them in mind! :)

    dammit janet - Thank you so much for jumping in. I appreciate your words and thoughts. Every message I got today made me feel so much better. I certainly think that I need to not be on the defense in this situation, I guess that is easier said than done in the beginning. :)

    kiesta- Thank your for your response. Being the new person is always hard. LOL I will gladly accept any advice from experiences of others. That is why I decided to join this site as soon as I found it. And like I said in the initial post on here was that I know that I need all of the friends and support that I can get right now. I definitely agree with your statement about being overwhelmed, I truly think that may have been what was going on with me yesterday. I think that I got a little overwhelmed and just didn't know how to cope. I am learning right along with my difficult child. lol That's for sure.

    DaisyFace - Thank you so much for your response. :) I have definitely considered the second opinion as I was already thinking that, and the responses did coincide with my gut feeling, so I just need to trust my gut instinct. Our pediatrician based the conduct disorder on the fact that husband stated that difficult child does not show remorse a lot of the time, and he jumped right in with Conduct Disorder, this was after we did the ADHD test thing where I filled one out and difficult children teacher filled one out. They were almost completely opposite of each other. So the issues that we do have, are mainly at home, or at places like Papaws. Although, he is only in Kindergarten this year, and as we are coming to the end of the school year, he is starting to show some things at school, like never finishing his morning work, and having problems with a few of the other boys in his class. So, I can only hope that we can get in to see the psychiatrist before 1st grade starts because I fear what next year holds for difficult child, me and husband.

    Shari - Thank you for your response. I am so sorry that you did have to lose out any time at all. I am hoping that we can find a doctor that will help us the right way, and not just want to throw a diagnosis on difficult child without doing the proper things to make sure he is being diagnosed with proper diagnosis. I hope that we can be on a more solid track by the time that next school year starts out. :)

    wintak - I can certainly feel you as you say you are going through a grieving process. I feel the same exact way. It is hard to go through all of that phases that you mentioned before getting to acceptance. I also can relate to the hard feelings that you talk about. Those are what make me feel like I am failing him. I get frustrated with myself, because I feel like I am wrong for having those feelings sometimes. I can also see what you are saying about how many of the people on here have had their diagnosis for many years and that they come across differently to those of us are do have the fresh wounds. I like how you worded that, because that is just what they are!! Fresh wounds. :)

    So, again, I feel so much better after reading the responses to this post. I wanted to get my feelings out there because my gut tells me that I need this site, so I am staying for sure!! Thanks to all of you wonderful people and parents. I am sure this site is going to be a huge benefit for me! Thank you all soo much.
  15. tiredparents

    tiredparents New Member

    Stepto2 - I agree that some things can be misinterpreted by not seeing the facial expressions and hearing tone of voice. Those things you mentioned about new things to try are why I need this site. :) I am staying on the site for sure!! :) The responses that I have received today have made me feel so much better! Thank you for your response. :)
  16. tiredparents

    tiredparents New Member

    midwestmom - thank your for your response. The words of encouragement that I have received today are just what I needed. I am definitely staying on the site. I knew that I needed it, and I contemplated all night last night whether to take my profile of this page or to just write out a post about how I felt and see what I get. I am so glad I chose to put my post in, because I know without a doubt in my brain that I need all of the friends, support and advice that I can get!! :)

    I tried to respond to everyone. i missed two of them, that is why they are separate, but I think I covered everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow. I have to get to bed, 745 is coming around in 4 short hours. Then time to get up with difficult child and get him on the bus and then hope that the 2 pcs will let me go back to sleep for a bit. I am usually not up this late, but its been one of those evenings. :) Take care everyone. You will see me around for sure I will keep you all updated on what is going on with the doctors. It is tricky to find a good one these days that genuinely want to help you and your child. I am so glad that I chose to put that last post in before I just up and left the site!
    I truly hope you all have a blessed day!! :Grouphug: