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Learning to let go
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 728454" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Eliz63, welcome.</p><p></p><p>It's late and others will be along in the morning. I'm sorry you're struggling with your son. You may want to start your own thread where you will receive more support.</p><p></p><p>I have empathy for your plight, I have a 45 year old daughter who went off the rails and I enabled her until I was close to having a breakdown myself. The only one who can stop this dynamic is YOU. Your son (most of our adult kids here) won't change.......why should they? We do everything for them.</p><p></p><p>Here's my advice to you: Get support for yourself. Find a therapist well versed in addiction for YOU so you have a safe place to vent, emote and explore possibilities and options. Go to an Al Anon, Narc Anon or Families Anonymous meeting as soon as you can. Read the book Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. If your son also has mental health issues, contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can access them online, they provide excellent parent courses.</p><p></p><p>Start your own thread and continue posting, it helps to write our story down and receive support from others who get it. Read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Print it out and keep it close so you can refer to it.</p><p></p><p>Many of us, including myself, have sought professional help because this is a very difficult path.....we must find very different ways to respond to our troubled kids. That in itself is hard enough. We also deal with extreme losses, resentments, profound sorrow, anger, disappointment, financial ruin, depression and fear. We have to learn how to detach from their choices and behaviors, set strong impenetrable boundaries and learn to let go of what we can't control......... and find acceptance. None of this is easy. Hence, my suggestion for you to find as much support as you can. I had a weekly therapy session, a weekly parent support group, I went to CoDa 12 step meetings a couple of times a week and read every book that was suggested to me. I needed a lot of help because I knew I couldn't do this alone.</p><p></p><p>It's time for you to let go of your adult son and allow him to face the consequences of his choices. Without that, he will never change. He still may never change, even with consequences, however he is a grown man and you are not responsible for him, HE IS.</p><p></p><p>You are likely stuck in what we call the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. When we are in the FOG we cannot make any decisions because the fear, obligation and guilt keep us stuck in the hamster wheel wondering why nothing changes.......nothing changes until WE change.</p><p></p><p>If you choose to begin detaching from your son, be aware that he may act out and try manipulation, blame, abuse, guilt, whatever he believes will work to get you back to being responsible for him. Don't fall for it, it's a fairly usual tactic our kids utilize. You'll need support to not slip back into enabling him.</p><p></p><p>Stop sacrificing yourself for him. When you do that, you abandon yourself.</p><p></p><p>I suggest that you start living the life you have imagined for yourself. Shift your focus onto yourself and off of your son. You matter too. Your life matters. Your well being matters. Go be with your special someone and start your retirement as soon as you can. You deserve a life of peace. You deserve to have joy and serenity. Go take your life back.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there Eliz63, it sounds to me as if you have reached a point of choice with your son. Make the changes necessary. Continue posting. Get yourself a strong support system. </p><p></p><p>You're not alone. We're here for you. We'll circle the wagons around you as you move thru this difficult situation. We're all in this together.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 728454, member: 13542"] Eliz63, welcome. It's late and others will be along in the morning. I'm sorry you're struggling with your son. You may want to start your own thread where you will receive more support. I have empathy for your plight, I have a 45 year old daughter who went off the rails and I enabled her until I was close to having a breakdown myself. The only one who can stop this dynamic is YOU. Your son (most of our adult kids here) won't change.......why should they? We do everything for them. Here's my advice to you: Get support for yourself. Find a therapist well versed in addiction for YOU so you have a safe place to vent, emote and explore possibilities and options. Go to an Al Anon, Narc Anon or Families Anonymous meeting as soon as you can. Read the book Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. If your son also has mental health issues, contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can access them online, they provide excellent parent courses. Start your own thread and continue posting, it helps to write our story down and receive support from others who get it. Read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Print it out and keep it close so you can refer to it. Many of us, including myself, have sought professional help because this is a very difficult path.....we must find very different ways to respond to our troubled kids. That in itself is hard enough. We also deal with extreme losses, resentments, profound sorrow, anger, disappointment, financial ruin, depression and fear. We have to learn how to detach from their choices and behaviors, set strong impenetrable boundaries and learn to let go of what we can't control......... and find acceptance. None of this is easy. Hence, my suggestion for you to find as much support as you can. I had a weekly therapy session, a weekly parent support group, I went to CoDa 12 step meetings a couple of times a week and read every book that was suggested to me. I needed a lot of help because I knew I couldn't do this alone. It's time for you to let go of your adult son and allow him to face the consequences of his choices. Without that, he will never change. He still may never change, even with consequences, however he is a grown man and you are not responsible for him, HE IS. You are likely stuck in what we call the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. When we are in the FOG we cannot make any decisions because the fear, obligation and guilt keep us stuck in the hamster wheel wondering why nothing changes.......nothing changes until WE change. If you choose to begin detaching from your son, be aware that he may act out and try manipulation, blame, abuse, guilt, whatever he believes will work to get you back to being responsible for him. Don't fall for it, it's a fairly usual tactic our kids utilize. You'll need support to not slip back into enabling him. Stop sacrificing yourself for him. When you do that, you abandon yourself. I suggest that you start living the life you have imagined for yourself. Shift your focus onto yourself and off of your son. You matter too. Your life matters. Your well being matters. Go be with your special someone and start your retirement as soon as you can. You deserve a life of peace. You deserve to have joy and serenity. Go take your life back. Hang in there Eliz63, it sounds to me as if you have reached a point of choice with your son. Make the changes necessary. Continue posting. Get yourself a strong support system. You're not alone. We're here for you. We'll circle the wagons around you as you move thru this difficult situation. We're all in this together. [/QUOTE]
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