Less Is More......

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mom_to_3, Jan 30, 2009.

  1. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    How many of you have considered that less is more? Less talking that is. When I was raising our difficult child and easy child children, I talked until I was blue in the face explaining, explaining and explaining why she should or shouldn't do something, what could or couldn't happen depending on the situation, what the consequences would be if she did whatever. I spent a lot of time giving pep talks, atta boys, and lectures repeatedly. I also now believe that doing this gives a whole lot of attention to negative behavior and just encourages more of the same. Not good!

    Now that I'm on the other side, I've come to believe that less is more. Our children, difficult child's and easy child's alike know our house rules probably better than we do! They are also VERY aware of what the consequences are without us repeating and reminding them over and over. What they are not as certain of, is if WE will follow thru or NOT. every. single. time.

    I don't really know if the "less is more" approach will work out like I think it will (but I feel positive) on our 5 yr. old grandson. I have been told.... that even though he is a difficult child, his behavior and demeanor is so much better at our home.

    Just some food for thought.....................
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I often find myself "blue in the face", too...and for me, I know that I keep talking because I don't feel as though I've been acknowledged. For example, if I find that husband or DS have done something that upsets me, I will tell them. If they respond with an "O, I'm sorry...It won't happen again."--then the conversation is over.

    With my difficult child, I never get that admission. I get an argument about why I am wrong--why it couldn't have been her--why I am such a B***--why it's a dumb thing to be upset about in the first place--etc. etc. etc. And so I keep talking, explaining, reasoning, demostrating, lecturing--even though it's useless.

    So, I guess the trick is to figure out how to just "drop it" when she refuses to accept responsibility or respond in a more mature manner than "Not me! I didn't do it!".

    I know, detach...detach...detach...

  3. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I know EXACTLY how you feel! That is the reason precisely that I would continue on with my difficult child. *I* just had to make sure that I was being fair and needed to make sure our difficult child understood everything. Your difficult child is one smart cookie, isn't she? If she can keep you engaged in conversation, she doesn't really have to accept responsibility does she? Plus, it's pretty exciting for a teenager to have all this turmoil going on, it seems.

    Detaching was the hardest thing I've ever had to learn while parenting.
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy do I know this routine. I just had this conversation with a friend today, in fact. Sometimes we feel the need to push and overanalyze and explain something to someone because of this need to MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND. It's like we think if we just keep at it, a magic switch will go on in their head ... lightbulb moment.. and they'll say, 'OH YEAH! I GET IT! THANK YOU SO MUCH!"

    It's like when my kids were little, and I would try to punish them. Being difficult children, they were not likely to stop escalating behavior simply becuase I threatened them with time out/grounding/no tv/pick a punishment. So, I would keep threatening more and more dire consequences, thinking at some point they woudl STOP what they were doing because of the massive threat. Before I knew, I'd made ridiculous threats I couldn't possibly carry out. And they still hadn't stopped the behavior.

    What a complete waste of energy, I finally figured out. Whether it be a difficult child, an ex husband (HA), or a coworker that just doesn't get it, less is definitely more.