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lessons from wise warriors on detaching?
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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 68548" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>I detached from my daughter's behavior, but not from her. That is, what happens to her, happens to HER, not to me. I will be there to give her advice, comfort her, be with her but I will not bail her out in any way, shape or form. </p><p></p><p>She does live with me at the present time but she has definite rules she must follow. If she chooses to not follow them, she knows the options -- anywhere from no computer access to leaving home permanently.</p><p></p><p>To me, detaching doesn't mean not loving, it means having the strength to force my child to grow up. It is much easier to do for her than it is to watch her try and falter and, even more sadly, give up. Since I am not willing to help her, I am seeing her get stronger every day.</p><p></p><p>However, my daughter is 20. Your son is 17. Has he graduated from high school? Is he going on to college? If either of these are yes, then your situation is different. It is much easier to tell an adult child out of school to leave home than it is a child in school. Mind you, not less painful, just easier. </p><p></p><p>If no school, you may have to force him to start doing. Give him a set deadline by when he has to have a job and tell him that right now his job is to find a job. That is, he has to be up and out by X time every week day looking and you'll expect him to bring home the job applications to prove that he has been out there. With us, it was out by 10:00 am looking, home around 1:00 pm and filling out applications until 5:00 pm. Not quite a full work day, but enough to get a basic routine started.</p><p></p><p>She is required to pay rent on top of some basic household chores. (I'm putting her rent money to the side for her when she is ready to spread her wings but she does not know this.) If the chores don't happen by X time on a given day or if rent is not fully paid by the 5th of the month, I let her know I'm assuming she plans to move out by the end of that month and if she's not planning to move out, she better get the money paid and the chores done. She knows I mean it so whatever is necessary happens.</p><p></p><p>I think detaching became easier when I realized that I was helping more by detaching from the problems and day-to-day drama than when I was trying to help or jumping in and doing it for my child. I have seen dramatic strides in my daughter since her last foray into "adulthood." Hopefully, the next time she leaves she will be leaving as a young woman embarking on her life's journey.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 68548, member: 3626"] I detached from my daughter's behavior, but not from her. That is, what happens to her, happens to HER, not to me. I will be there to give her advice, comfort her, be with her but I will not bail her out in any way, shape or form. She does live with me at the present time but she has definite rules she must follow. If she chooses to not follow them, she knows the options -- anywhere from no computer access to leaving home permanently. To me, detaching doesn't mean not loving, it means having the strength to force my child to grow up. It is much easier to do for her than it is to watch her try and falter and, even more sadly, give up. Since I am not willing to help her, I am seeing her get stronger every day. However, my daughter is 20. Your son is 17. Has he graduated from high school? Is he going on to college? If either of these are yes, then your situation is different. It is much easier to tell an adult child out of school to leave home than it is a child in school. Mind you, not less painful, just easier. If no school, you may have to force him to start doing. Give him a set deadline by when he has to have a job and tell him that right now his job is to find a job. That is, he has to be up and out by X time every week day looking and you'll expect him to bring home the job applications to prove that he has been out there. With us, it was out by 10:00 am looking, home around 1:00 pm and filling out applications until 5:00 pm. Not quite a full work day, but enough to get a basic routine started. She is required to pay rent on top of some basic household chores. (I'm putting her rent money to the side for her when she is ready to spread her wings but she does not know this.) If the chores don't happen by X time on a given day or if rent is not fully paid by the 5th of the month, I let her know I'm assuming she plans to move out by the end of that month and if she's not planning to move out, she better get the money paid and the chores done. She knows I mean it so whatever is necessary happens. I think detaching became easier when I realized that I was helping more by detaching from the problems and day-to-day drama than when I was trying to help or jumping in and doing it for my child. I have seen dramatic strides in my daughter since her last foray into "adulthood." Hopefully, the next time she leaves she will be leaving as a young woman embarking on her life's journey. [/QUOTE]
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