Childofmine
one day at a time
This is the letter I am giving him today. I feel better having written it. And right now, that is what it is about---me. Echo, you will see parts of your letter here---it was so good and so very helpful to me. Thank you for having shared it.
June 26, 2014
Dear ______,
Well, okay, now you know what's next for you. I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks and months and I have realized some things I never realized before.
You have made a lot of choices and decisions that I haven't understood. It's been hard---beyond hard---for me to accept the life that you have been living, and very painful to watch you live on the street, taking drugs and going back to jail again and again and again.
But now I realize that you have a right to do whatever you choose. You are the only person who can decide what your life is to be. You are a grown man, not my little boy. Your life is your choice, and that is how it should be.
I want you to know that I am not going to judge what you do anymore or try to get you to change or do anything different.
I'm going to write about me now. And so you are out of jail again. I ask myself, what will be different this time? I look for a change of heart in you, and maybe it’s there, somewhere, I don’t know. Just looking for that change, and hoping for that change, and waiting for that change, is something I don’t want to do anymore. I just want to accept that this is the way it’s going to be. The ups and downs of hoping and then reality are too hard.
It is very draining and very difficult for me to have much contact with you. I love you, and I always want to see you, and yet when I see you or talk to you, I see a reality that is very hard for me to grasp and live with.
My sadness and my grief is many layers...first and foremost is that you are going to kill yourself with drugs. That is just a fact. Ultimately, I will lose my son, and there is nothing I can do about that.
The longer you live on the very margins of society, the harder it is to ever incorporate again. You are now used to jail, to being homeless, to lying to yourself and everybody else, to stealing, to living on the edge, no resources, no job, no home. You must believe all of that is okay and you like it, because that is what you keep on doing.
I cannot listen to your endless claims of looking for a job, going back to school, blaming other people for your choices and your problems, lots of talk and very little action on any of the things that require actually moving forward. It is impossible and so very painful to try to have a real relationship with someone who misleads me and lies to me on so many levels all the time.
It is crystal clear to me that you will have to have professional help and treatment to get the life you say you want, and that is the one thing you have continued to resist and deny for more than four years now.
It is too hard, too sad, and it is endlessly heartbreaking to watch.
You must be happy with your life. That is all I can conclude. And, I am glad that you are happy. At age 25, the way you live your life is a choice you get to make. And so, I am going to work to accept that this is the life you are going to have.
I have to take care of myself, and I can't afford to be taken down emotionally over and over and over again.
Through all of this I have learned --- and you have shown me --- that there are many resources---meals, jobs, clothes, phone, computer access, housing---for a person who is living the life that you choose. You are resourceful, and you will get by, like you have been doing.
All I can offer you is my love and support. That is all I can do.
I want to stay in touch from time to time but we need give each other a lot of space. I can’t be involved in your everyday life. It’s just too hard for me.
I love you so very much and I will always wish you the best. That will never change.
Mom
June 26, 2014
Dear ______,
Well, okay, now you know what's next for you. I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks and months and I have realized some things I never realized before.
You have made a lot of choices and decisions that I haven't understood. It's been hard---beyond hard---for me to accept the life that you have been living, and very painful to watch you live on the street, taking drugs and going back to jail again and again and again.
But now I realize that you have a right to do whatever you choose. You are the only person who can decide what your life is to be. You are a grown man, not my little boy. Your life is your choice, and that is how it should be.
I want you to know that I am not going to judge what you do anymore or try to get you to change or do anything different.
I'm going to write about me now. And so you are out of jail again. I ask myself, what will be different this time? I look for a change of heart in you, and maybe it’s there, somewhere, I don’t know. Just looking for that change, and hoping for that change, and waiting for that change, is something I don’t want to do anymore. I just want to accept that this is the way it’s going to be. The ups and downs of hoping and then reality are too hard.
It is very draining and very difficult for me to have much contact with you. I love you, and I always want to see you, and yet when I see you or talk to you, I see a reality that is very hard for me to grasp and live with.
My sadness and my grief is many layers...first and foremost is that you are going to kill yourself with drugs. That is just a fact. Ultimately, I will lose my son, and there is nothing I can do about that.
The longer you live on the very margins of society, the harder it is to ever incorporate again. You are now used to jail, to being homeless, to lying to yourself and everybody else, to stealing, to living on the edge, no resources, no job, no home. You must believe all of that is okay and you like it, because that is what you keep on doing.
I cannot listen to your endless claims of looking for a job, going back to school, blaming other people for your choices and your problems, lots of talk and very little action on any of the things that require actually moving forward. It is impossible and so very painful to try to have a real relationship with someone who misleads me and lies to me on so many levels all the time.
It is crystal clear to me that you will have to have professional help and treatment to get the life you say you want, and that is the one thing you have continued to resist and deny for more than four years now.
It is too hard, too sad, and it is endlessly heartbreaking to watch.
You must be happy with your life. That is all I can conclude. And, I am glad that you are happy. At age 25, the way you live your life is a choice you get to make. And so, I am going to work to accept that this is the life you are going to have.
I have to take care of myself, and I can't afford to be taken down emotionally over and over and over again.
Through all of this I have learned --- and you have shown me --- that there are many resources---meals, jobs, clothes, phone, computer access, housing---for a person who is living the life that you choose. You are resourceful, and you will get by, like you have been doing.
All I can offer you is my love and support. That is all I can do.
I want to stay in touch from time to time but we need give each other a lot of space. I can’t be involved in your everyday life. It’s just too hard for me.
I love you so very much and I will always wish you the best. That will never change.
Mom