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Letter to difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 629538" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I'm in the FOG that RE and Cedar talk about. It feels like time is moving very very slowly, and I'm in slow motion, my body is very heavy and thick and I don't know what to do first or next. I start one thing and then wander to something else and then something else, and then back to the first thing. I keep shaking myself and saying focus focus. </p><p></p><p>I went to my two meetings---one was a client and the second was a group lunch meeting for an organization I'm in. I almost didn't go to the second one because I didn't know if my eyes were red or if people could tell I was weird, but I decided to do it anyway. It was good for me to put on a mask for a few hours. </p><p></p><p>I came home and talked to SO on the phone and a friend who called who knows the story. I relived it again. Then I took a nap. I woke up and wandered around and decided to make the pasta salad I'm supposed to take to a cookout tomorrow night and then I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting at 6:30. </p><p></p><p>I am so foggy right now.</p><p></p><p>After I got back from the shelter this morning, while I was getting ready for my meeting, difficult child called multiple times and texted multiple times. The issue: The World Cup and where did I think he could watch it, and could he come here to watch it, and then did I have a radio I could loan him to listen to it. </p><p></p><p>That was a shot to the system. It penetrated the FOG immediately. This, the World Cup he is thinking about, while on the way home from the shelter I was sobbing so hard I could barely see to drive. </p><p></p><p>I am more upset about him than he is. Never, never, never a good place to be. </p><p></p><p>I am going to try to take it easy and be kind to myself and do the next right thing in front of me. Physical work is always best for me in times like this. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Everything you wrote, and that you wrote, too MWM, is like balm to my heart, which is bruised and torn and in mortal pain right now. I told SO I feel like I have taken 1,000 steps back in my recovery. Where is my recovery? Where is all of the progress I have made in the past four years? It feels like it's been stripped away in a moment. I don't get it. But it is real. These are real feelings and I know---you have taught me, and experience has taught me----that I have to just live through it. I just have to keep moving forward, even if it's just an inch at a time.</p><p></p><p>Surely, something good will come from this. </p><p></p><p>P.S. My sister has not responded to my email at all. I find that very painful to contemplate, and of course, I am taking that fact out, turning it over and over, stabbing myself with it, and then FORCING myself to do nothing about it. I am so angry, but I know it's likely 80% misplaced anger. I said my piece to her yesterday, and I said it kindly and clearly, and it was and still is true. </p><p></p><p>I am just so helplessly angry at this awful, terrible, horrible, evil disease that hurts all of us so very much. </p><p></p><p>And then I am so blessed by each of you and the care, love and concern you show---us, we women, who do not even know each other, but we do SO know each other.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 629538, member: 17542"] I'm in the FOG that RE and Cedar talk about. It feels like time is moving very very slowly, and I'm in slow motion, my body is very heavy and thick and I don't know what to do first or next. I start one thing and then wander to something else and then something else, and then back to the first thing. I keep shaking myself and saying focus focus. I went to my two meetings---one was a client and the second was a group lunch meeting for an organization I'm in. I almost didn't go to the second one because I didn't know if my eyes were red or if people could tell I was weird, but I decided to do it anyway. It was good for me to put on a mask for a few hours. I came home and talked to SO on the phone and a friend who called who knows the story. I relived it again. Then I took a nap. I woke up and wandered around and decided to make the pasta salad I'm supposed to take to a cookout tomorrow night and then I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting at 6:30. I am so foggy right now. After I got back from the shelter this morning, while I was getting ready for my meeting, difficult child called multiple times and texted multiple times. The issue: The World Cup and where did I think he could watch it, and could he come here to watch it, and then did I have a radio I could loan him to listen to it. That was a shot to the system. It penetrated the FOG immediately. This, the World Cup he is thinking about, while on the way home from the shelter I was sobbing so hard I could barely see to drive. I am more upset about him than he is. Never, never, never a good place to be. I am going to try to take it easy and be kind to myself and do the next right thing in front of me. Physical work is always best for me in times like this. Everything you wrote, and that you wrote, too MWM, is like balm to my heart, which is bruised and torn and in mortal pain right now. I told SO I feel like I have taken 1,000 steps back in my recovery. Where is my recovery? Where is all of the progress I have made in the past four years? It feels like it's been stripped away in a moment. I don't get it. But it is real. These are real feelings and I know---you have taught me, and experience has taught me----that I have to just live through it. I just have to keep moving forward, even if it's just an inch at a time. Surely, something good will come from this. P.S. My sister has not responded to my email at all. I find that very painful to contemplate, and of course, I am taking that fact out, turning it over and over, stabbing myself with it, and then FORCING myself to do nothing about it. I am so angry, but I know it's likely 80% misplaced anger. I said my piece to her yesterday, and I said it kindly and clearly, and it was and still is true. I am just so helplessly angry at this awful, terrible, horrible, evil disease that hurts all of us so very much. And then I am so blessed by each of you and the care, love and concern you show---us, we women, who do not even know each other, but we do SO know each other. [/QUOTE]
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