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Letter to difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 629601" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>However you feel COM, you handled this beautifully.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There is no silence like that one, is there.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It does matter, Child. We need to really get it that, for whatever reason, our children do not respond, do not even seem to think like, normal offspring. In sharing our stories here, we read the selfsame thing, over and over again. Whatever the mother has tried, however many times the child has moved home, whatever has been given or withheld...our stories are eerily similar.</p><p></p><p>Though our children are of different races, are from different areas of the world, are from different cultures altogether...our stories are eerily similar.</p><p></p><p>We need to learn a different way to love our children. </p><p></p><p>It doesn't look or feel like we love them when we see them at the bus station, in Critical Care again, on the streets or, the worst situation of all I think...getting out of jail, ready to claim it is again time for a fresh start.</p><p></p><p>Ouch, COM.</p><p></p><p>Even I have never had that happen to me.</p><p></p><p>You are battle weary, Child. You have stood up and stood up and stood up. I have learned that every incident brings up all the old business. For me, every failure with my child keys into toxicity from the past. Everything is in question, in flux...and we are required to make decision after decision <em>without adequate information, without a role model, without a mentor.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>We have one another. We are learning a new way, and we are sincerely doing the best we know. We are battling our own mother-hearts to do it.</p><p></p><p>But we are doing it, COM.</p><p></p><p>I had posted to Echo earlier about her bravery, about her courage. You are brave, so brave, COM. To have prepared yourself not just once, but over and over again, for a son to come home out of jail determined to have what he wants because you are his mother and this time, he has changed ~ man, that is a Hell I would buckle under.</p><p></p><p>You are strong, COM. You are not falling backward. The situations we all find ourselves in are customized, personalized, exquisitely attuned torture. For each of us, the worst, the very worst things that could happen are exactly what happens.</p><p></p><p>In thinking about it now...maybe I would be able to handle the jail thing, after the first few times. But to know my daughter is being beat makes me crazy.</p><p></p><p>I cannot breathe, cannot swallow. I get stopped.</p><p></p><p>But that is what happens <em>and she uses it to manipulate me, </em>COM.</p><p></p><p>We are living through a kind of devastation soldiers don't know. A soldier can take steps to prevent the horrible thing. Or, he or she can try to kill the person trying to kill them. It is personal. Our situations are so much worse. We are not on the field <em>but our children are and they are their own worst enemy</em>.</p><p></p><p>Who do we go after? Who do we attack? What do we change?</p><p></p><p>We are powerless.</p><p></p><p>The child we love more than ourselves is his or her own worst enemy.</p><p></p><p>You are brave, COM. What is happening to you is called battle fatigue, in other circles.</p><p></p><p>In circles where the enemy can be killed; in circles where the enemy does not hold the territory of your own heart.</p><p></p><p>I am not sure that we could come up with a name horrific enough to describe what this is.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When I am in the FOG, it helps me to name it. Then, I know where I am. I know it will pass.</p><p></p><p>I know where I am.</p><p></p><p>There are times when just to know that is priceless.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is good, COM. I am so glad you did that. I would forget there was a world out there, right out my door, where people did not hate me, blame me, shame me, hurt themselves knowing it would hurt me more...and make me do what they wanted.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Abusive behavior.</p><p></p><p>It was worth it though, to see and touch him.</p><p></p><p>What would your difficult child do if you posted back that his behavior was a classic technique of abusers?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Good. That helps you to know the FOG is self-imposed. Our weapons are so few. Learning all we can about our own responses is a beginning. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing, to love someone who is abusing us.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cherishing ourselves is mandatory if we are to survive. I lost something like ten years of my life to berating myself, to questioning my every move because of the mess I had made of my kids' lives. I tortured myself with "why", with "how".</p><p></p><p>Don't do that. As Rumi says: Stop looking in that old way of looking. </p><p></p><p>(That's not the exact quote.)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That's okay, COM. Think again. Four years ago, you were in the whirlwind without a prayer.</p><p></p><p>Now, you are in the whirlwind, praying for a miracle...and we are here, helping you see, helping you bear it, helping you be stronger until you are strong enough.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>An inch is good! An inch forward is no steps backward.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I wholeheartedly feel the same way.</p><p></p><p>Even when the bad thing first happens, I know I will come here, I know you will help me.</p><p></p><p>I remember what it was like, when I was alone with it. There was no one to hear me, no one to defend me <em>to myself</em>.</p><p></p><p>When our children are in danger, it is a mother's natural inclination to protect her child, even at the cost of her own life.</p><p></p><p>That is what we are all up against, here.</p><p></p><p>That genetic imperative to save the child.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love how Recovering describes things so clearly.</p><p></p><p>All that stuff I just wrote?</p><p></p><p>This is what I meant.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ouch, Alby. That happened to me, too.</p><p></p><p>I could never believe they were laughing at my pain.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We do need to do that, Alby. We have to be very determined about it though, because we are fighting that genetic imperative to save the child ~ even at the cost of our own lives.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 629601, member: 17461"] However you feel COM, you handled this beautifully. There is no silence like that one, is there. It does matter, Child. We need to really get it that, for whatever reason, our children do not respond, do not even seem to think like, normal offspring. In sharing our stories here, we read the selfsame thing, over and over again. Whatever the mother has tried, however many times the child has moved home, whatever has been given or withheld...our stories are eerily similar. Though our children are of different races, are from different areas of the world, are from different cultures altogether...our stories are eerily similar. We need to learn a different way to love our children. It doesn't look or feel like we love them when we see them at the bus station, in Critical Care again, on the streets or, the worst situation of all I think...getting out of jail, ready to claim it is again time for a fresh start. Ouch, COM. Even I have never had that happen to me. You are battle weary, Child. You have stood up and stood up and stood up. I have learned that every incident brings up all the old business. For me, every failure with my child keys into toxicity from the past. Everything is in question, in flux...and we are required to make decision after decision [I]without adequate information, without a role model, without a mentor. [/I] We have one another. We are learning a new way, and we are sincerely doing the best we know. We are battling our own mother-hearts to do it. But we are doing it, COM. I had posted to Echo earlier about her bravery, about her courage. You are brave, so brave, COM. To have prepared yourself not just once, but over and over again, for a son to come home out of jail determined to have what he wants because you are his mother and this time, he has changed ~ man, that is a Hell I would buckle under. You are strong, COM. You are not falling backward. The situations we all find ourselves in are customized, personalized, exquisitely attuned torture. For each of us, the worst, the very worst things that could happen are exactly what happens. In thinking about it now...maybe I would be able to handle the jail thing, after the first few times. But to know my daughter is being beat makes me crazy. I cannot breathe, cannot swallow. I get stopped. But that is what happens [I]and she uses it to manipulate me, [/I]COM. We are living through a kind of devastation soldiers don't know. A soldier can take steps to prevent the horrible thing. Or, he or she can try to kill the person trying to kill them. It is personal. Our situations are so much worse. We are not on the field [I]but our children are and they are their own worst enemy[/I]. Who do we go after? Who do we attack? What do we change? We are powerless. The child we love more than ourselves is his or her own worst enemy. You are brave, COM. What is happening to you is called battle fatigue, in other circles. In circles where the enemy can be killed; in circles where the enemy does not hold the territory of your own heart. I am not sure that we could come up with a name horrific enough to describe what this is. When I am in the FOG, it helps me to name it. Then, I know where I am. I know it will pass. I know where I am. There are times when just to know that is priceless. It is good, COM. I am so glad you did that. I would forget there was a world out there, right out my door, where people did not hate me, blame me, shame me, hurt themselves knowing it would hurt me more...and make me do what they wanted. Abusive behavior. It was worth it though, to see and touch him. What would your difficult child do if you posted back that his behavior was a classic technique of abusers? Good. That helps you to know the FOG is self-imposed. Our weapons are so few. Learning all we can about our own responses is a beginning. It is a hard thing, to love someone who is abusing us. Cherishing ourselves is mandatory if we are to survive. I lost something like ten years of my life to berating myself, to questioning my every move because of the mess I had made of my kids' lives. I tortured myself with "why", with "how". Don't do that. As Rumi says: Stop looking in that old way of looking. (That's not the exact quote.) That's okay, COM. Think again. Four years ago, you were in the whirlwind without a prayer. Now, you are in the whirlwind, praying for a miracle...and we are here, helping you see, helping you bear it, helping you be stronger until you are strong enough. An inch is good! An inch forward is no steps backward. I wholeheartedly feel the same way. Even when the bad thing first happens, I know I will come here, I know you will help me. I remember what it was like, when I was alone with it. There was no one to hear me, no one to defend me [I]to myself[/I]. When our children are in danger, it is a mother's natural inclination to protect her child, even at the cost of her own life. That is what we are all up against, here. That genetic imperative to save the child. I love how Recovering describes things so clearly. All that stuff I just wrote? This is what I meant. :O) Ouch, Alby. That happened to me, too. I could never believe they were laughing at my pain. We do need to do that, Alby. We have to be very determined about it though, because we are fighting that genetic imperative to save the child ~ even at the cost of our own lives. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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