Letting Go

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by goldenguru, Nov 3, 2008.

  1. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    My son (a senior in college) has his first professional interview today. The company flew him from his college, across the country to meet with the firm. He called me last night from the hotel. When I hung up the phone I had a meltdown.

    The realization that he's never coming home hit me hard. Really hard. I had always hoped that he could find work locally - or at least in the same state. Not gonna happen.

    This is new to our families. We are the typical "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" sort of families. We all live within a 30 mile radius of home. I mean the whole famn damily. He will be the first to leave our community. Frankly, it hoovers.

    I have really struggled with the empty nest. I often find myself pining for yesteryears. I miss having my kids home.

    This latest experience is taking one of mine even further from the nest. *sigh*

    For those who have kids who have moved to the other side of the country - tell me I'll adjust to this too. Please??
  2. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Of course you will adjust.

    I think I remember from long ago, you mentioning that you live in Michigan. If that is true, you know the job market is horrible here. Lots of young adults are leaving the state to find work.

    I know it makes you sad that one of the kids is possibly leaving the state. However, please revel in the fact that your son is doing exactly what you raised him to do.

    He is finishing college, and he is getting a job.

    My nephew moved from Marquette Mi. to San Diego Ca when he was about 20 years old. He moved with $250.00 and his bike which got stolen. He didn't have a degree. He hardly had any job skills. Well he has been out there a couple of years, in that time he managed to find a job in a diner (with health benefits) he has enrolled in college to be a xray tech. (his employer helps with-expenses for school.) He is doing very well. My sister-in-law who was very upset when he left, has adjusted quite well. She knows he is doing fabulous and he could never do up north in Marquette what he is doing out in California.

    This very well could be the best decision for your son. For his future.

    I'm not trying to be mean, but if he is in another state, you can call him every day if you wish, you can e-mail him anytime. If he has a good paying job, he can still fly home for holidays. I realize he won't be nearby, but he is only a phone call away. Lets not forget, you have a new state to go visit.

    Where is the job offer?

    I know you are sad he is possibly leaving the state, but it really will be OK. He hasn't lived at home during college has he?

    I know you don't see it like this yet, but this is good news for your son. Many companies are not doing that well right now, and it isn't easy finding a job.(especially in Michigan) I hope it is a wonderful opportunity for him.

    Congratulations to your son for the job offer, and I do wish him the best of luck.

  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member


    I know this is hard, but you will learn to be ok with this. MI has such troubles now, and I know you want what is best for all of your children. This is what is best for him. You will learn a new way of being his family. Phone calls, visits to him, his visits to you, which will seem so precious. It will give you both a new perspective on life. And what better way to have an excuse to get out of the ice and snow of Michigan once in a while.

    {{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Frankly, I'm envious of your sadness. I rejoiced at empty nest* because having Rob at home was so traumatic. I think it's wonderful that you are so distraught.

    I know that sounds completely weird.

    GG, letting him go gracefully is one of the truest tests to a Mom's love. It's a new chapter in the evolution of your relationship and he will appreciate his famn damily even more living away.

    Hugs for your aching heart,

    (*but NOT how it got to be empty- that was horrific)
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2008
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending gentle hugs for your tender heart.
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    GG---I so know what you are going through. PCson lives about 2 1/2 hours from me. While I know on the grand scale of things that is not a lot, when you work full time and have a life, it means there are very few opportunities to see each other. Right now it is every 3 or 4 months. Sometimes more often, but more often then not our visits are spread out. I miss him so much. I miss seeing my grandson every few days like when they lived in town. But I know in order for them to have the life they want, they have to live elsewhere. But it's hard. And part of my life feels empty. We do talk at least once a week. But that lack of daily contact takes some getting used to. Hugs.
  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    GG I know that longing in your heart to know everyone is nearby. There is a sense of security knowing if any of the kids,grandkids,parents need something you are all there to help. I call it the "clan". (not the Klan) It's how tribes survived. You stuck to your clan and the leader new what was best.
    I have friends who are more comfortable staying close to home because it feels right for them. It's a good thing.

    As one of the first children who picked up and left home and the small community I can tell you that some folks are the adventurers, the scouts who go out there and explore new worlds. Some are more cautious and want to stay close and to things that are familiar.

    Because he is far away does not mean you are distant. We fly more, drive more, talk on the phone more, e mail more than the older days when an hour and a half drive seemed like forever.

    Also, jobs are no longer lifetime affairs. He will probably have several jobs in his lifetime and if like us, move several times in a lifetime.
    His sibs and parents may love where he ends up and decide to make a change. 2 sisters, brother and father all joined us in Texas. They have since moved on but I have no doubt they will eventually gravitate to a new world where I got the priviledge of exploring first. I do not believe any of them would have ventured out first.

    I have really nudged my boys to get out there and get different experiences. Get exposed to other cultures, states, weather. I want them to see a big world and realize people are really all the same despite the address. In my heart I suspect both will gravitate close to us as they age. Not sure why. If not, I will visit them, and be as involved as the family unit (d i l) wants me to be.

    Your son is an explorer. He may like it. He may not. Think of it as a different chapter in your parenting book. He needs you but in a different way. You don't want to stop him from living his life. Congratulations to your son for finding what he loves and following the dream.

    I am excited to see easy child this weekend and to do all the mom things I miss doing. We are celebrating Thanksgiving since he has to work. Life has a way of continuing despite changes. He thanks us regularly for giving him the freedom to do some untraditional things with his education and life. It's not what I want but it's what he wants.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I've discovered MySpace (or something similar) to be wonderful in such situations. K and I talk as often as I talk with the kids here. I send cute pics and such to the grands via the internet or mail. Any family news is posted almost immediately so nothing is ever missed. easy child had the halloween pics up within mins after she got home so that K could see them clear over in Mo. We do Sunday phone calls instead of Sunday dinners, and it's quickly becoming a family event with sibs gathering here to talk to K and the kids. (I have free long distance) And we're hoping weather and easy child's pregnancy cooperates so the whole family can go out to visit next month.

    I can understand your sadness at having a child move so far away. My Mom was a basket case when I moved to ohio 24 years ago. Now she's been urging the rest of the kids to move away from our hometown. She's even planning to move to the same town as us in the spring.

    But you should be so very proud the boy knows how to stand on his own two feet and be a man. You taught him how to do that, and obviously you taught him well. Congrats to your son on the job. Good jobs aren't easy to find right now.

    You'll adjust. And you'll find ways to make the distance seem smaller because there is just no other choice. (((hugs))) for your aching Mommy heart.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Just wanted to send you some hugs for your mommy heart. I'm going through some similar things myself with my own son -

  10. Mayapple5

    Mayapple5 New Member

    For six years my only son and his wife and one child moved to Texas to be with her family. They were there for six years. I visited three times, every 18 months. Two of those times were when my two granddaughters were born. We stayed one week in a three bedroom mobile home with them, a bit crowded but we loved it. The last time we stayed we had all the sight seeing done and we just stayed "home" the whole week, even that was fun,just spending time together.

    We called each other every Thursday night and emailed almost every day! Now? They live an hour away and I see them about every two months. Ours and their busy lives get in the way of our visiting very often. I still call and we still email, not as often but, I miss them just as much. (The other grandma? Still in Texas)

    They say you get used to it, I didn't. I didn't know they were going to move back, ever, but when they made that decision you'd better believe I was leaping for joy! I'm thankful, traveling with daughter difficult child 2 was not a lot of fun! 2 1/2 hours on the plane was frightening to her, until we gave her something to calm her and let her sleep.

    Let him spread his wings, you never know what life has planned for him and who he will meet out there ...?;)
  11. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Sending hugs, gg. This empty nest thing is a major transition. Each time I've taken a son to college, I've been glad for them - glad they were starting the next phase of their lives, doing the appropriate thing at the appropriate time. But I've also gone back to the hotel and watched the student welcome party fireworks from the hotel window, and cried until I couldn't cry anymore.

    Transitions are hard, and tears are appropriate. But the changes will bring good things, too. Visits to new places, pride in your son's accomplishments, joy in watching him take the first steps in his adult life. This is the goal you worked toward - to see him mature and become a man. You have good memories, and now the sweetness of seeing him grown. There are good things to come!
  12. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    This will get easier.............. in time. When my first child, my difficult child, left home, under horrible circumstances, it took me forever to get over it. I even ended up on anti-depressants. I think maybe the first one is the hardest? My second daughter (easy child) moved about 3 1/2 hrs. away for school. We are very close. I do miss her a lot, but I think some of that has been cushioned by my grandson living with us. He keeps me so busy that I don't have time to feel the loss as much. Thank goodness for email and the telephone, we do talk every day or every other day. That helps too. I might be feeling just like you do after my grandson goes home and ack! when my "baby" leaves the nest. No plans for her to leave yet, but one never knows............. Huge hugs for your hurting heart. I hope you find some peace with it.
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I can relate. Our son is moving in the not too distant future about four hours away and it is bugging me already.

    It's been my experience that moving away from home is often a good thing. The unfortunate thing here is that it might be "across the country." A great distance sometimes makes things harder. Hopefully, he will get other interviews a little closer to you.

    A few hour drive or even state or two, makes it a little more "do-able" in terms of a quick drive for a long weekend. However, with frequent flyer miles, flights for holidays or summers breaks etc are much more possible. Don't forget about emails and cell phone plans to keep in very close contact. in my humble opinion, it really helps. (hugs)
  14. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Thanks for the encouragement Nomad. He took the job "across the country". 14 hour drive. But, he is thankful to have found work and he really is excited about the prospects. Like Fran pointed out, he's a bit of an adventurer. I refuse to rain on his parade.

    Life has a way of working out. Ya know??
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big hugs, sweetie. I know it's really hard, but you're right. Things do have a way of working out.
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    (((GG))) Everytime my easy child tells me of some new adventurous plan she has in her head....such as wanting to live in Spain or traveling and settling somewhere down south, my heart breaks a little bit. The thought of this child of mine being so far away from me literally splits my heart in half. I know it seems weird to say, but we're very connected and I just can't imagine her being so far away. So, what do I do? Nothing. Like you, I don't want to be the one to rain on her parade or confuse her about her plans or dreams or life. After all, it is their life, right? Like your son, she's a bit of an adventurer and although when she's home she's a bit of a homebody, she does like to see and check out new things and take chances.

    You can marvel at his sense of adventure and still feel a little sad about him not being 'right there'...♥ I'm thinking you (we) will be okay, haha.

    Sending hugs for your hurting heart.
  17. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    My daughter moved to Europe...... a chance of a lifetime...... she knew no one there, but wanted the opportunity to do some traveling and see more of the world. I would never have had the "guts" to do this, but SHE did....... Now I think of it this way....... when she lived on the east coast it was a good 10 hours of straight driving...... now the plane ride is only 8 hours so in my head she is closer...... yeah, didn't think you would buy that...... the good thing is she is seeing more countries and likes living where she does...... will she ever come home? Still don't know, but she has had a great time and before she settles down with children (if ever?) I envy her being able to travel and see so many places....... email and skype makes it bearable........