lieing stealing disrespectful son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sickofit, Jun 30, 2012.

  1. sickofit

    sickofit New Member

    I helped my son financially many times when he was 18 an over with many promises from him and swearing to god he would repay me ,I couldnt get him off my sofa till he was about 27 years old he treated my home like a hotel as in "leave the mess for the maids" when my grandson was born it was all about him,there were times I took him to work with me (homecare for elderly)because my son who said he had to work didnt have a sitter for him after his first divorce, I broke my arm an had a cast all the way up an had to drive 3 kids under 5 to the store for milk an babysit them I played a huge role the first 5 years an when my son moved out w my grandson he stole my credit cards to pay his rent and gas up the car (I took a loan out for),then there was the thousand $ packer game I paid to bail him out of jail so he would be there for my grandson, numerous fines I paid looking back I should of allowed him to be arrested,one day my $300 cue stick an case seemed to have vanished from my closet (Iwas so busy working) but a month later when my son had a brand new cue stick an case I knew he had stolen mine an sold it or something,he got a DWI with my grandson in the back seat on the way to hook up w the girl who would become his second wife,she needed a car so he dumped the one off I had purchased for him that he swore to pay for an got his dad to sign so they could both lease cars,since then one time I got 100.00 from them for the car about 5 years ago,they got married in Key West( I couldnt afford to attend)they went to Vegas a few months ago, I reminded him about the car an didnt get a response later I heard from a mutual friend that hes saying I'm just money hungry an he owes me nothing an hes paid me back I feel sooo disrespected, and on top of that criticized for my devotion to my first grandson now who seems to be thrown on the back burner in their efforts to make him just one of the gang,they have a very angry household I have a stepgrandaughter whom I do not feel closeness with...its felt like you are not my gramma since the beginning shes now 12 my grandson is 11 she bullies an blackmails him ,my youngest grandson whos 5 ( a product of there parenting) has behavioral problems so it can be really difficult to babysit him, recently it felt like my son was challengeing me when he was telling me how they are raising their kids to be honest even if it hurts an I said I don't know how you can even be talking to me about this after you robbed me,well he was screaming at me anyway from the moment I picked up the phone, everytime I see them I feel soooo disrespected by both of them (shes conviently oblivious to all this) an can hardly look at them his father only saw him one weekend a month when he was a child an now my son an his wife owe my ex about $20.000 but his father says they will pay him back....My daughter doesnt want to hear it an I dont blame her,on Christmas my daughter,grandaughter an I go to there house with gifts for all the kids which the parents rush the kids to open, then they practically throw some food at us and its time for us to go unless we want to go to church with them which I dont I would prefer to see the grandkids open gifts leisurely and then spend some time with them,I'm trying to find a way to put it all behind me but dont know how to begin with it still going on an always haveing to be on guard when they call,Im disabled now with fibromyalgia and PTSD they only call when they want something an my son never helped me,but always calls when they need a sitter.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion your son is severely using and abusing you and acting like a spoiled child rather than an adult close to thirty years old. CUT HIM OFF. It's time to let him take care of his own family or fail at it. You can offer to parent your favorite grandson. He probably won't allow it at first...he may after a while and when things get really rough. ANd, yes, he will say horrible things about the wonderful things you have done to try to save his sorry butt, but it's his issue, not yours.

    Is this son a drug user?

    I strongly suggest getting involved in a group such as Families Anonymous so you can have support as you cut the ties. This child needs to stand on his own, even if he can't do it. His expectations are fifteen year old gets less than he does. And he dares to slam you?

    He will never ever grow up if you keep things as they are.

    Big huggles to you because I know how much you must love him and how much it must hurt to see how he talks about you. But I would seriously cut the cord. Now. You should not babysit for him anymore. At all. You deserve peace in these later years, not demands and verbal abuse.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with mwm but know how hard it is.
  4. sickofit

    sickofit New Member

    I,ve often wondered how he could be so disrespectful the problems started when he was still quite young,when he graduated from the 5th grade unbenounced to me or husband 2 he through himself a graduation party "picture this" Its a hot friday you come home from work thinkin your gonna relax its the weekend and all of a sudden" kids" an I mean car loads of them,an avalanche of them are being dropped off in my driveway...I start questioning my son to find out he used school computer to make invitations to his 5th grade graduation party I knew nothing about yesss I did some yelling at my son,and had to tell several kids there was no party an offer to let them use the phone to call there parents,but by then many of the kids had left on there own by one way or another so that night I was "rewarded" with several parents calling me to tell me what a bad parent I was,I never saw an invitation and did not get one phone call from any one of the parents befor they dropped there kids off,If I had at least I would of been warned about what was to come,as punishment I grounded him for the summer an took away toys,when my son developed a likeing for girls he raided my jewelry box an gave them my rings an necklaces I never recovered,at christmas time my habit was to put most wrapped gifts under the tree in the days befor christmas he not only opened gifts he gave some of them away,he had his own private little christmas he got into the gifts at least a couple of different years one way or another no matter how I hid them it started to feel like all I could do was punish him by grounding,an taking away toys,oh an of course since he was perpetually grounded that limited the rest of the families activities I talked to him about honesty,an integrity repeatedly,an yes I yelled until I was blue in the face I'm writing this to try an give myself relief,as if sending this will help it all go away somehow,an perhaps others can learn from this I've had years of counseling , therapy,self help books etc...I have often wondered if he's used cocaine or something an maybe he has but I've never seen evidence he's 36 now,I don't like him when he drinks but I have'nt even seen that often,both my daughter an him have the same father,they wanted to see him more than one weekend a month but the ex said I just wanted a babysitter,I came from a highly abusive family mother was highly abusive to me, alcoholic,died from it at age 44,father violent with mother an highly abusive also alcoholic two older brothers alcoholic,violent,mysojynistic,bi-polar,younger brother paranoid Psychizoprenic non violent,and one younger sister fetal alcohol syndrome,sad an partially why I have always suffered from depression,I almost never drink frankly I'm mostly repulsed by it especially the smell. I often wonder if the problems with my son are related to the problems that stem from my family of origin and my son not always haveing a good male role model and sometimes I think about how much better our lives might of been if I could of left the state with the kids and never looked back,instead I took mostly part-time jobs that allowed me to raise my kids an look after them in the hopes that there lives would be better and not abusive like mine,my daughter has never given me a problem worth speaking of she has self esteem an she is a productive responsible adult an mother.
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2012
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    sickofit, your sons issues may very well be genetic. One really doesnt know and at this point it really doesnt matter.

    My boys did the whole sneaking into the toys at Xmas and let me tell you it ticked me off to no end! I was one of those who spent so much time putting thought into their gifts and hiding them and for them to find them just really got to me. Several years I pitched the whole decorated tree into the yard when I found out they had already ripped open the presents.

    At 36, you cannot expect any changes. If he was going to change it would have happened long ago. All you can do is have whatever relationship you want to have with him and your grandchildren on your terms. I would make that as superficial as possible with him and hope that the grandchildren will come to realize what and who you are on their own someday.
  6. sickofit

    sickofit New Member

    Thanks I can appreciate you saying to treat the relationship as superficial as possible it could help eleviate the pain of looking for truth,perhaps superficial can be a good thing.