Lies, Lies, and More Lies, Can The Relationship Ever Be Salvaged?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Scott_G, Nov 25, 2013.

  1. Scott_G

    Scott_G Member

    Trust is the foundation of all meaningful relationships, and without trust, you have nothing. One of the biggest reasons I am at the point where I want absolutely nothing to do with my son is becuase of years and years of lying. When he was a teen I caught him in the act of taking money from his mothers pocketbook. He actually had the nerve to tell me that she said he could take it. When he was in his early 20s he had a summer job at a resort that provided room and board to the employees. The second time he came to live with us was under false pretenses. He told my wife that he needed some place to live until May when the resort opened up again and he could go back to work. Despite my misgivings about allowing him back in our house (kicked him out once already as an adult), I was assured it was temporary so I reluctantly gave in. When May came around, the truth came out. He was caught smoking pot on the job and asked not to return. My wife was so angry that she was the one who kicked him out. When he lived with us during that time one of the rules my wife had for him was that absolutely no girls were allowed to spend the night. If he wanted to get lucky, he needed to make other plans. He started dating his ex wife back then, and despite the fact that she had an apartment, she spent many nights at our house against our rules. The house we lived in at the time had a finished attic, so except for sharing the bathroom and kitchen with us, it was like he had his own apartment. She would park her car down the street and sneak in at night after we went to bed. His mother saw her car at night and then drove by and saw it in the same place the next morning on the way to work. Of course he denied it.

    More recently he started to ask us to borrow money. It was always something that he needed money for right away. It was a prescription that he needed, or his electricity was going to be shut off if he didn't pay the bill today. My guess is that the money was for drugs and that's why he needed it so urgently. Even when he tells the truth, it's only the half truth. He admitted he lost his job due to drug use. He told us it was prescription pills. It was my ex-daughter in law who told my wife that the 20 year old girl he was dating was a junkie. When my wife heard this, she immediately confronted him and he reluctantly admitted that he was using heroin too. If I sat here for a few more hours I could probably think of enough of his lies to write pages and pages, but you get the point. When someone lies to you over and over again for many years, how can you ever rebuild a trusting relationship? Is it even possible to do that?
  2. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I agree about the lies. With my difficult child they were so pervasive, and so profound and of such long duration (they probably started in 7th grade or so) that I ultimately have no idea who he is, what his hopes are, who he likes, what he does....anything. He lived with me for a month this fall after he got out of his first and so far only 4 night stint in jail. He talked like he was scared straight. EVery day he told me he took his medications (often he volunteered it without my asking.). Every day he told me he went to a 12 step (there are dozens in our city). He told me they don't give out coins or proof of attendence anymore,...he said maybe he could get a handwritten note proving he had gone...I said that wasn't necessary, I trusted him. The night he abruptly got tired of living at home (no fight...just tired of it) and packed up, I begged him to stay and work on getting his life in order..he said he hadn't taken his medications since he left jail, and hadn't gone to a 12 step either. I could see he was getting manic, but that happens sometimes even on his medications, so I didn't suspect. He lied to me every day.
    Then I thought...he is a complete stranger to me. I don't know anything about him that is true. I don't bring strangers into my home....especially not strangers who are known to lie, steal, and use drugs.
    That was a real and a bad moment for me. I haven't recovered yet. I can't get past the lies. Don't even know how to have a conversation about the simplest thing with him...cause he tells so many lies.
    Your son..I've been there...the abuse of your hospitality, breaking rules. I'm sorry.
    I suspect it is possible to rebuild trust..I've heard for every lie you have to have 5 good experiences, or non-lies. Thats a lot, but it isn't infinite.
  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I want to say yes, because my son would lie about nothing important at all, just everything. We just gave up and knew if he was speaking it was a lie. It's very freeing. There was no more stress or anger. We stopped him in his tracks and said' "You're lying". If he just happened to be telling the truth, we didn't care, he brought us to that point of never, ever, ever, believing one word. Do that and you'll be free of his nonsense. One day, he'll get is act together, you'll know when that is. Things will be better then. For now you decide not to be made a fool of or be taken advamtage of. He did this, not you.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think it is possible to rebuild a trusting relationship, even after the way your son is. The issue is that it would ALL be up to him, he would have to do all of the making amends, all of the heavy lifting and at this point in time, that doesn't sound possible. However, someday, as upallnight said, he may come to his senses. Or not. but, for now, I like what upallnight said, let it all go and don't believe him and certainly don't enable him. Drugs are running the show now, not your son, and you certainly can't trust the drugs.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, my own experience has been that a drug user is a liar. That goes together. They want money to buy drugs and will make up sympathetic excuses to get you to give them cash, but it's best to go to the pharmacy with them and pick up the prescription which likely doesn't exist. Most of the cash we give will go to drugs and not for what they say it's for. My daughter, when using drugs, never told the truth and would lie staring me straight in the eyes. But that is my daughter on drugs. Once the drugs are gone, often the good person who is your REAL child comes back. My daughter doesn't lie anymore. She doesn't use drugs anymore either. It was not hard to figure out that she was a different person when her mind was poisoned by drugs. We have a close, warm, mother/daughter relationship now. It was easy to forgive her when she quit the drugs and became her old self again.

    Our kids are not themselves on drugs. As my daughter says about drug addicts/users: "They don't say anything that isn't a lie." But in my opinion if your son quits using drugs you will see the old person he really is inside, minus the drugs. If he doesn't, you are likely to continue this estrangement.

    I know my daughter used drugs early in her life (age 12) and quit early (19). I think it is easier if they quit when younger, although she used hard drugs. I hope your son can still turn it around. You never know!!! I hope he does for both your sakes.

    Keep The Faith!!!!
  6. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I agree. Our kids are not themselves on drugs. When we interact with them on any level, what we are really interacting with is the drug. Our son was an addict. Once we got that THAT was the problem, we could take steps to protect ourselves emotionally as well as physically and financially. This is an important piece. It isn't only that the drug is destroying our relationship to our child, our hopes for our child. The drugs are, literally, destroying the bodies, minds, and spirits of our children.

    I don't know how to fight it, other than to tell the addict, again and again, that he was raised better, that you expect him to stop, that you refuse to fund his self-destruction, that you love him too much to watch him destroy himself.

  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    My son has had an issue with lying for a long long time, way before his drug use..... of course with drug use the lies were constant and he did worse things.

    I love my son and that is the basis of our relationship. I love him and I always will and for that reason, and probably that reason only I have a relationship with him. So I guess for me in this case love is the foundation of our relationship, not trust.

    However I do think lack of trust severely limits the relationship. I basically have to take what he says with a grain of salt. I dont trust him and that is a big reason why we probably wont ever let him live with us again. I do not want to live with someone again I dont trust.

    I have a easy child daughter who has never given me a reason not to trust her and our relationship is so much different. It makes me very sad that I dont have that kind of relationship with my son.

    I am not sure that I will ever be able to trust him..... and at this point I have just accepted that as a reality. IT is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it.

    So I agree with what others have said it may be you have to accept the reality and then act accordingly. I dont think not trusting your son means you cant have a relationship with him, but it does mean accepting the limits that lack of trust causes.

  8. goomer

    goomer New Member

    I really don't know if the relationship is salvageable. My difficult child has turned out to be both a liar and a thief, and I don't feel she can ever be trusted again. The only way for this to change in my mind is going to take her showing me empirical evidence of having changed her ways. By all accounts at this time, it is not likely to happen. I am broken-hearted about this whole thing because once I thought we had a decent relationship, only to find out it was built upon her lies. Not cool at all.
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    It may be corny, but I was told by a former drug addict (a real former drug addict) that if a drug user's mouth is open, he's lying,