It has been some time since I have posted. I have been focusing on working through the many layers of grief of hubs passing. The year anniversary was particularly challenging, as memories appeared, wafting in and out, a recounting of the day's leading up to his death, step by step. I decided that it was not helping me at all to reprocess those moments over and again and prayed for strength, prayed and keep praying that God help me to think about the good times we had together. On the date of his death, I gathered flowers and spent the morning with my children and grandchildren at the beach where we spread his ashes, reminiscing and recalling cherished times. Unfortunately, Rain and Tornado did not join us as planned, but as things go, it was not surprising. Disappointing but not surprising.I had hoped that my two would find a way to climb up from their life's choices, that maybe their fathers passing might be a pivot point, but alas, they are still struggling to find their way.
So it is.
I continue to pray that they will come to realize their potential and that I will work to grow in understanding that there is not much I can do to change the paths of their choosing. It is an odd sort of acceptance and I wonder if I have become numb from living with this reality for so many, many years.
When I do have contact with them, I am guarded, because it is painfully obvious that there is always a catch. It seems to me, that they both would like to keep me tethered to their drama, emotionally bound to the constant yoyoing. I just won't do it anymore. I cant. It drains me so completely and utterly. The sad part of it all, is that my two seem to equate my spiraling up and down with them as love. I bought into that for so many years and maybe do a bit still, because even as I write this, I am thinking how calloused I seem. Then again, literally, a callous forms over time from constant work and rubbing, that hardened, thick skin that when peeled off, reveals a rawness. Having two daughters, stuck in the muck and mire of addiction, is a reality that hurts to the core.
I am blessed to have my boy, he keeps my head above water. Like a dancer has a focal point to keep equilibrium as they spin, that he is. He is going through his teen years, now a fatherless boy, trying to find his way. He came to me a month or so ago, and said he felt the need to seek counseling. It is not so much about the loss of his father he needs to process, it is the years spent watching his sisters in and out the then revolving door of our home and the effect it has had on his life. That is a big wake up call for me, how their addiction and all the dramatic ramifications have effected him.
Then again, I do realize that I must not rely on my responsibility to raise him, as a buoy to keep my own emotional stability in check, because he is his own person, and will make his way.
I must find my way, find a reason to seek joy unto my own.
Two new grandbabies have appeared into the fold. I watch their mothers tenderly care for them and am brought back to those precious times I spent with my babies.
It is there that I find understanding and self forgiveness that I entered into the abyss of enabling. It is a path hard to avoid, the bonds formed raising children so deep, when their troubled journey began, I could not distinguish the depths of despair I plunged into alongside of them. What a tangled web.
I relate so much to the posts written here and recall that desperation, I was drowning in sorrow, moving through time and life's responsibilities in a frenetic state of mind. It is there my two would keep me, because it allows them to manipulate my circumstances to suit theirs.
How can I attain emotional balance, with Rain using meth, living in a park nearby, Tornado, in and out with her abusive mate, my three grands subjected to their crazed relationship?
I have to.
Life goes on.
Choices go on.
There are so many different perspectives and rationalizations, and I don't judge anyone for their own journeys in this.
We all must choose as we do.
The choice I make is to give my two to God and entrust that He will help them find their way. Lord knows I have tried many, many times.
I have failed. My failure, was in thinking that I could help them.
I love them with all of my heart, but I cannot help them if they do not want to help themselves.
So I pray.
God help them please.
This doesn't mean that I have coldly cut them off, I have not. This doesn't mean that I am a pillar of strength no longer affected by their choices. I would be lying if I wrote otherwise. How could I not be?
But, how could I continue to be, live, keep going, if I were still in that desperate state of mind?
I don't want to go back down that road.
Life goes on.
For some reason, through it all, I am still here.
A series of adjustments through stormy seas and seemingly starless nights.
As the clouds clear, there those beacons are and were there all along, countless points of beauty leading the way to different horizons.
Mahalo dear CD friends for your loving kindness and bearing with me as I have bared my soul. The way I have been helped by you all is immeasurable.
Much love and aloha,