Life here is still not going well

[DammitJanet]

Tension is thick as a cloud in the house. We are speaking to each other as if we are polite strangers most of the time and other times its all out warfare. I am having great difficulty not just telling Tony point blank that I know he brought that stupid silver thing back from Bucks and that he is covering up for him. Its like an elephant in the room.

We are now not even sleeping together. This is like a complete slap in the face because I had suggested that we sleep in separate beds for months but he fought it over and over again. Then the day that he moved Buck out he came home and said he was going to sleep in "Bucks" room. Now ever since Cory and Mandy left our house, we put Keyana's toys in there and referred to it as "Keyana's" room and she slept in it when she was here. So for him to now refer to it as Bucks room just galled me. The entire time Buck was here I called it Keyana's room.

So every night Tony comes home from work, eats dinner, watches a little tv with me in the family room and then goes off to sleep in the other bedroom. I see him for maybe an hour.

Last night he came home ranting about how Cory is on his last nerve and how if Cory says one more thing to him at work he is going to fire Cory. Blah blah blah. I have to control Cory. That I am the only reason Cory is working for him. Blah blah blah. Now before Buck went to work with Tony he had no problems with Cory. I can only imagine what its like for Cory there because if I had to be with Tony and Buck for 15 hours a day in a working environment? I would lose my mind too. But Tony is going to take Bucks side because Cory is louder. Cory has always had that problem where he is the one who goes off. Buck causes the problem but he does it behind Tony's back. Of course if I say anything about this, I get yelled at. I wish Tony could put one of them on another crew. Put Buck on Jerome's crew. He wouldnt last a week.

So last night I was threatened with having to become a psychiatrist to manage to improve Cory's mood problems. I was ordered to fix him. Yeah Im magic and my doctorate degree came this week. Personally I think Tony needs more work than Cory does. When I try to complain to Cory about Buck, he shuts me down and tells me it will be okay and just gives me a hug. Tony cant even do that.

If Tony fires Cory, there will be problems and I will be mad. I knew from the minute he hired Buck that it would play out like this. I think I probably posted it. If it comes down, our relationship will be over. Tony says that I have always picked Cory but thats not true. He has now taken the time to pick his brother over me completely and I have had it.

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs))))) I am so very sorry. I wish there was some way I could help you with this. It seems so out of character for Tony. sort of makes me wonder if he had a TIA (mini stroke) or something.

 

[klmno]

DJ, in my humble opinion you and Tony both need to quit putting anyone else above your own relationship. Right now Cory is in the middle of this for no fault of his own. It sounds like Tony is using Cory as an excuse to justify what he's trying to do for Buck. Either way, you need to somehow get Tony focused back on your and his relationship- not Buck or Cory. You all have been thru too much together and love each other too much to let this be over while saying it's about Buck or Cory. Now how you could possibly accomplish that, I have no clue. Can you ask Tony for a weekend (or whatever time he has off work) for just the two of you to spend time alone and actually rebond and talk and it not be about anyone else except you two? You know how successful I am at relationships (LOL!) but it would appear to me you all need this time alone, without ANY talk about anyone else, a few times to get thru the resentment, hurt feelings, etc, but to also rebond and reconnect and remember why you've been able to stick together thru so much. Neither of you really want this to end, in my speculation.

In the meantime, I feel for you. Your frustration and hurt feelings are obvious and I really do hope you can find some resolution soon.

 

[DammitJanet]

My feelings are really hurt. I find myself almost on the verge of tears all the time. Right now I have been battling this really bad cough that isnt going away and my voice is really hoarse. If I talk for any length of time I can tell it feels like I am getting this strangling sound to it. I am getting pretty worried and have decided that at my next appointment with my psychiatrist that I am going to ask him for chantix to stop smoking.

I said something just this afternoon on the phone to Tony about how my chest was hurting and I was afraid I had waited too long to quit smoking and he said "well you always said you had to die from something." I just said, well, tell Cory he needs to stop smoking now because he has two little girls depending on him, obviously it wont matter a bit if I die. And I hung up.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Gee Janet, my feelings would be hurt too. I do agree with Klmno that perhaps a weekend away, or just some time alone together in a different location, to try to regain your footing together after all the massive intrusions on your home and your relationship. I am so sorry this is happening, I hope you two can mend the fences and get back in sync with each other. HUGS to you.

 

[klmno]

I'm thinking about doing something with my smoking, too. I don't know if I can make it but my difficult child has told me he doesn't want to try it anymore because he considers it a gateway- not his exact words- and that sticks to my mind.

DJ, I think Tony needs to see that hurt feeling, and you need to see and acknowledge his hurt feelings. That's how you reconnect sometimes. Get thru the defensiveness and back to the caring- both of you. I can see why your feelings are hurt but I can't see why his are but I still think he's acting like they are and he has a different perspective that you need to uncover so you two can get back on the same page.

Everyone wants you two to make it thru this. like you always have, if it's at all possible.

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs))) Janet.

I'm so very sorry it's gotten so out of whack.

 

[Star*]

I wish I knew what to say here. I think the two of you are so batlle weary, and tired of people dumping on you - you're BOTH just raw. The only ones either of you can take it out on is each other. And you do that in spades. In a way I like the idea of a weekend get away. In another? I think Well if you're going to kill someone why not just as well do it in your home town (so to speak not literally)

I do know when you hurt physically? And have financial strains, stress of children, difficult child, difficult child daughter in laws, things you love taken away, taken away, taken away - and more BS dumped on you than a cow manure fertilizer factory? A lot of people don't lean towards each other - they snap, snap snap and then POP. It's easier to just let the snapping go on - than it is to sit down and admit - to your mate "You know what/ I've been a real jerk and I apologize - BECAUSE - what you're really hoping for most times is the mate to say ME TOO." and after enough of only one mate stating they are sorry and the other one stale - eventually what you get is the first mate getting the idea - YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JERK - it's NOT ALL my fault you had a hand in it to, but do you EVER apologize? Noooooooo or spouting off before the other one actualy works up the courage to say - GOSH you know what I didn't say it earlier but I've really been sharky too - and I'm sorry." (jumping the gun on them causes feelings of OH yeah - well fine tell me MORE about my problems alber switzer)

So for about how long I've told you I personally didn't want to talk or see anyone and was WAY beyond sharky and snarky? Yeah well I sat down last night and told DF I don't mean to be, I don't want to direct my mouth at him or my sharpness, however I believe most of it has been, and if he's felt it, taken it that way or it actually has been? I'm very sorry, I love him, I need him, and I apologize. It took about fifteen minutes for him to come back with - ME too.....and his version of what I said only in manspeak - but had I gotten defensive or jumped the gun? I would NEVER EVER gotten his apology - and if he had never said anything? I would have just left, and been done with it for now. I really have been a bear. SOME of it? Yup things he's done - but I had to sit back and ask myself honestly - WHAT portion of what he's doing is really making me angrier - or is it just exaccerbated by my moods. With honesty as a compas for my moodometer? He really hadnot done much - he'd really been trying harder. So I gave credit for that, and thanked him. It's sparked him to do quite a lot more. I think apologizing for being Atillia the noFUN - helped a lot.

I dunno J - Everyones different - I just know I don't like to be at odds with DF and I REFUSE ABSOLUTELY refuse to go to bed angry. After loosing two kids? I realize the last words I say to someone at bedtime or before departing really mean a lot. After almost loosing you? Tony should feel that way too.......He's really a good man - and you're a fine woman. Maybe you both need to remind each other ........

I'm sorry you're hurting.....butif you DO NOT bring a puppy - you should come see me. lol........NO PUPPIES or you'll go home with an EVIL CAT.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Janet -
I'm going to give you some advice that I've never had to take.
But it was given by an old family friend, to her own daughter.

Her daughter was married to a total jerk, not sure what all other terms to use. NOT evil - there are some out there like that. But life wasn't going well, and she wanted out. She was venting to her Mom, and her Mom asked her...

Do you want to know how to really hurt him the absolute most, when you do pull out?

daughter was all ears!So the Mom continued...

Then for the next three months, you treat him like an absolute king. Do everything possible to make HIS life easier. Cook all his favorite foods, keep the house they way he wants it.. whatever it takes.

daughter got the picture. (so she thought)

Six months later, they were still together. The Mom asked... what happened?

Well... after 3 months of treating him like that... somewhere along the line she started getting it back, and... they were in love again and NO WAY was she pulling out.

(The Mom just smiled.)

Not saying that you are even able to DO all that. Just a little picture, to put in the back of your brain.
Maybe when he goes to bed... in whatever bed he chooses... go tuck him in, give him a backrub? Maybe send a bucket of treats to work... whatever works.

It isn't about who is right and who is wrong. It isn't about Buck or Cory or who sleeps in what bed or who takes out the garbage. Its about feeding the relationship.

It's your life - and only you know the full story - but I'm just tossing this out there... food for thought.

(I've been married 20+ years - my parents, for over 50. )

 

[DammitJanet]

Thanks guys. Tony and I are both what Dr Phil would call "right fighters" and we both know exactly which buttons are the ones to push which will cut the deepest. I read Relationship Rescue and this was long before we had all these problems. I have long tried that marriage Hero thing and he just thought I was strange for awhile. LOL. Oh...you are suddenly getting up with me to give me a hug and a kiss before work? Well thats nice honey! Never made a difference in his attitude towards me if I wanted to spend time with him any other time. I have always wanted tony to be my friend. I want to be around him. He has other friends and doesnt want to spend much time with me. It leaves me feeling lost because he is gone so much and I am alone so much, especially since I became disabled. I hardly leave my house and his answer is that he gives me permission to go wherever I want to go. Oh gee, thanks. I cant go anywhere and I have no where to go anyway. His one suggestion was knitting club or bingo. We dont have either here and I dont knit.

Anyway...I have this tingling feeling that something is going on inside me that isnt good. My breathing is labored when I walk much. I am hoping this will get better with me stopping smoking next month if I can. No guarantee there though. Like I said, this may be too late. Im not planning on running to a doctor about it either because I simply cant handle another problem. Especially one I know will be invasive. I may get a chest xray but thats about it.

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{Janet}}} I'm so sorry things continue to deteriorate at home with Tony. We were all hoping that once Buck was out, things would improve and you'd find your way to one another again. I suppose it's too optimistic to believe Buck will leave town....

However, we also know that it doesn't matter if it's Buck, Cory, The Man on the Moon, or the neighbor - there will always be something that may or may not come between you at different times in your life together. Your foundation is what determines how you handle those times of crisis and it sounds like there is a crack in your and Tony's foundation. If you've done all you can within reason on your part to mend things between you and Tony, then it's time to just focus on you.

I totally understand what IC is talking about and she's right. But you said you've done that with Tony and it doesn't register with him, he doesn't recriprocate. One time (er. many times) in counseling I was saying how I didn't feel that H was expressive in his love of me enough. He turned disbelieving eyes on me and said, "I go to work everyday and work my ass off don't I? I come home every night for dinner and take you to your Dr appts when you need me to don't I?" and on he went. The counselor pointed out that in those ways, my H is expressing his love for me. She then asked H how he felt I expressed my love for him and he said, "She makes dinner every night, she listens to me vent about my work, and she does laundry and likes me even when I'm being a jerk"...sounds so simple doesn't? BAH! I could have hit him with a sledgehammer - what he said just made me so angry. When we fell in love it was about spending time together, going to hikes and bike rides, playing with the girls, making dinners together and sex.

The point is either each of you got lost along the way or each of your needs have changed and aren't what they used to be or you've each given up. Think about those things and decide what you want. Imagining you're sick is not a way out, Janet. You certainly do not want Tony sticking around merely to care for you as a sick lady, do you? No.

Go get that xray, why delay? Take care of you - let him sleep whereever the hell he wants and find other ways to occupy your time, feed your soul. I'm not familiar with your area, but from what you said it sounds like a fairly remote area, which will make it difficult to connect with others. But you do have the internet. You could do scrapbooking of all the places you've been or all the places you'd like to go; take up painting or calligraphy, or working with clay, learn to knit or crochet.

Hugs, Janet, this bites.

 

[DDD]

I totally understand the seriousness of your situation so please don't think I'm trying to be funny...I'm not. Getting a physical to make sure you are ok makes alot of sense. Quitting smoking when you are in emotional turmoil?? It may not be the best idea. I know that Chantix has helped "some" people but believe me after paying over a hundred bucks for it and getting psyched up to quit...it did not help and in face triggered aggitation etc.

I want you to be healthy and happy. My gut tells me, however, that you need to make a list of how you can improve your life and your married life and then choose one goal at a time. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Don't set too many huge goals. Just whittle your way through analyzing how your home can become welcoming, comfortable
and pleasant again for you and Tony. Hugs. DDD

 

[Hound dog]

Janet, I agree with DDD. And often, it's the little things we do for each other that make a world of difference..........make it nice to get up and face the day less grumpy than we'd be otherwise. I might take Tony a while to respond to any attempts to make your home more pleasurable and happy........So don't expect a sudden change. And remember, you're doing it as much for YOU as for HIM.

And I ditto the fact that you might want to hold off on quitting smoking right now. The tension is too high, and even with chantix, that will probably send it straight through the roof. It's why I didn't even consider it after husband passed. I knew I was under too much stress and that would just make it worse. Soon I'll be trying to get my script for it, just need easy child to write out her schedule for me so I can make the appointment. sister in law is insisting they pay for my script. Odd, and sweet, but I won't complain. lol

((hugs))

 

[Calamity Jane]

FWIW, I'm with Insane on this. I know Tony was cruel making that crack about you have to die of something. There's no call for that, but if that was his nature all along, you wouldn't be with Tony all these years.
Yes, he's insensitive, and yes, Buck is a jerk. But no man wants to feel like his woman thinks he's also a jerk for bringing the jerk home! On some level Tony probably thinks you think less of him, so why should he knock himself out at work all day, and in his opinion, deal with Cory? Then he has to come home to a not so pleasant environment esp. after Buck keeps trying to drive a wedge between you two every single day. Don't make it easy for Buck to win!
I'd get back at Buck by being oh so loving to Tony. Make his favorite meal, really show an effort to cater to him. Bake him a cake or just figure out some tangible way to show him you want to have peace. Consistently do that, and Tony will be protective of you and suspicious of Buck's motives. Don't say a bad word about Buck anymore, though...Tony just hears that as criticism directed toward him, not Buck.
If it's not too humiliating, tell Tony you really wish he wouldn't sleep in Keyana's room - tell him you can't sleep well without him there. Something else Dr. Phil says, "Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?"

 

[Star*]

Well on a sarcastic note? At least Buck has a place TONY can go stay for a while.

OH DON'T act like none of you hadn't thought it. SHeesh........(ducks ugly ------NOW PUT THAT DOWN)

 

[DDD]

YIKES, Starbie. Don't even allow that thought to enter the universe.

Quick.........take it back! DDD

 

[hearts and roses]

Well on a sarcastic note? At least Buck has a place TONY can go stay for a while.

OH DON'T act like none of you hadn't thought it. SHeesh........(ducks ugly ------NOW PUT THAT DOWN)

I'm still thinking it! How far does Janet have to bend over before Tony finally begins to notice and be respectful of the woman he chose to spend his life with?

 

[Hound dog]

LOL Yes, Starbie I know I've thought it a time or three.

But I'm keeping in mind.................That I think Bucks Jerk behavior is rubbing off on Tony. I have a strong feeling Jerk Buck is whispering all sorts of things into Tony's ear every chance he gets. Then doing stuff that he knows Janet will react to......which will reinforce the bull he's feeding to Tony. Buck is a good manipulator, but he's also very immature. He's jealous of Tony's relationship with Janet, jealous of Tony's family and the love they share. And because he's so jealous........he's trying to dissolve it so that Tony is left with no more than he has, so that Buck can still believe there is nothing wrong with Buck.

Janet, you and Tony have been together a very long time and weathered many many many storms. Deep down, you both still love each other or you'd never have lasted this long.

I remember what you said to me after husband passed, when you said you didn't know what you'd do if you ever lost Tony. And I remember how Tony was when you were in the hospital and we didn't know if you were going to make it. Yeah, I know a lot of stuff has happened........but that Love is the bottom line.

(((hugs)))

 

[InsaneCdn]

Janet...
Following up on Lisa's comments?
Here's an old favorite poem of mine:

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/show/8703

 

[DDD]

Just because I'm in such a weird state of mind I'm going to share true examples of martial perceptions from my first marriage. This is ancient history but it does demonstrate differences in marriage. Sigh.

My first husband and I got married in college, had three children and divorced nine years, 364 days later. I tried to "fix" our union but in reality GFGmom was a huge issue and truthfully we were both different people at thirty than we were at twenty. In the process of trying to "fix" our lack of communication we went to a counselor as talking amongst ourselves was not working. We took turns speaking. I went first. I carefully and with stifled tears explained that we had a problem child and disagreed on punishment, rules, bedtime etc. and that had become the focus of our marriage.

When it was his turn this is what he said . My wife changes the sheets on Sunday and I like clean sheets on Friday and Saturday night. My wife almost never cleans up the kitchen right after we are thru eating and I don't like dirty dishes on the counter if I want a snack. LAST (omg, I can't believe I'm sharing this) "my wife and I don't have sex very often any more". The Counselor said "why is that true do you think?" TA DA! My husband said "My wife doesn't cover herself up after she showers and I've seen her so often she just doesn't turn me on much."

OK, guys. That's the story of the day. And yes...there is a point. Evidently clean sheets on Friday was important to him although I had no memory of hearing it before. The kitchen counter was important but I headed from the kitchen to getting the kids ready for bed. Sigh! At five six, 110 lbs and still considered a "looker"...I had no idea I should cover myself up from master bath to master bedroom.

Tony might want "his" chair cleared of papers, real dishes instead of disposable ones, his laundry put away on a daily basis, the kitchen counter clear.........or less nudity. There is "something" and probably a number of "somethings" that are small that might make life more peaceful. One thing I know from my experiences in life is that no husband wants to hear negative stuff...not about health, not about money, not even about kids. They want to live with Mary Poppins (fully clothed, of course). DDD