Life here is still not going well

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
My heart just so goes out to you Janet, I guess as women, we all know that sinking feeling in our hearts when we love someone and the ground we usually stand on together is shaken. I know I do, and I feel for you.

I was reading what the other wise women are telling you and I remembered many moons ago I attended this very large workshop where there was a dialogue between men and women for an entire weekend. There were 200 men and 200 women so it was not an intimate space but man, I learned a lot. The facilitator put the question out, 'What do you want from your partner?' And, then he passed the microphone around the audience and first the men responded and the women listened, and then the women responded and the men listened. What an eye opener! Of course, we said for him to show his love for us by spending time, getting us flowers, for him to remember all the important dates, birthdays, anniversary's, etc., mostly about the attention he pays us. The men said, they wanted to leave the house each day with their woman sending them off with a smile and a kiss and when they return to greet them with the same. And, in between to have sex! Okay, the sex part was no big surprise, but the small gesture of sending them off with love and receiving them home was amazing to me. They all said pretty much the same thing, how they wanted to be seen and valued in a way that we don't really understand, it's the ego thing, but they want to think we see them as heroes. I listened to 200 men, of all different ages and backgrounds say the same thing! They do look at relationship so differently, once they 'capture' us, working, fixing things, driving us around, becomes their way of showing their love, what hearts and roses said. They need to be shown what we want, they just don't know. MY SO says that all the time, he says, "we guys are clueless, you women have to show us what you want." Then they spring into action.

I know the two of you have gone through so much negative stuff lately. You've lost your connection. I agree with what others are saying, it may be up to you to put the first white flag out and make an advance in his direction. For me, I've accepted that role with my SO, they are usually clueless on how to bridge the gap between us, but we aren't, we know how to do that. You know how to do that. I think we just have to put aside our "rightness" sometimes, until we regain our connection and put the relationship back on track. Then later, when tensions aren't running so high, you can tell him how this all felt to you. But, for right now, it may demand that you surrender, put down your arms, your weapons, your rightness, and walk towards the perceived enemy camp. You may find, in your surrender, his willingness to surrender is just waiting on yours.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
One thing I know from my experiences in life is that no husband wants to hear negative stuff...not about health, not about money, not even about kids.
That's not universal... My husband doesn't mind the negative but necessary stuff when it comes to kids, money, or even health. But... NOT about HIM.
And when it gets right down to it? That statement is pretty true about most people, most of the time. We're very protective of ourselves. Don't like to admit it, but... me too.

(and no, DDD, I don't agree with your XH... feeding on petty stuff destroys a marriage, but the petty stuff itself, doesn't)
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
The XH story was to demonstrate that he had not shared those complaints in such a way as I "heard" them. I know, lol, I never heard the naked one until that one day. Men and women are different and it is tricky trying to figuring out what the other wants or needs...especially if you're working and raising kids.

Regarding "complaints" my theory is that husband's hear the words but recognize they can't "fix it". on the other hand they feel gulty that their spouse is stressed or in pain and feel that they "should" be able to "fix it". Does that make sense? DDD
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Regarding "complaints" my theory is that husband's hear the words but recognize they can't "fix it". on the other hand they feel gulty that their spouse is stressed or in pain and feel that they "should" be able to "fix it". Does that make sense? DDD
Depends.
In my own home? *I* am the one that believes I should be able to "fix" things, and tend to get obtuse about the other stuff... while husband takes the brunt of it.
But... I'm a tech-head, and he's the ultimate people-professional.

Perhaps on average, you are right. In which case, I'm fortunate!
 

klmno

Active Member
Well, DDD, now I know why I'm not married and never re-married after my first try at it. LOL! What was the book- women are from venus and men are from mars, or something like that??
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
Funny, klmno, my first husband still swears I was the greatest (he has married five times, lol) and my husband tells anyone who listens what a lucky man he is. YEP! I gave my best to both those Dude's, lol. My generation, however, missed a beat somewhere along the line and we forgot to schedule free pleasurable time for us. I'm 71 and I haven't had more than one week free of responsibilities since I was twenty. I think, lol, I messed up. on the other hand, I get a "good morning" text and a "good night text" from difficult child#1 every day since he moved in with a girlfriend. LOL, DDD
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
R.a. -

That was pretty interesting. I wonder what the answers would have been if they had split the groups up and NOT been in the same rooms and thought the other 1/2 would not have heard their answers.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
DDD, that is fabulously interesting! I would never have thought about the not covering up thing. Geesh! It is hard to please them, isn't it??!! One would think they would be thinking about getting that later! HAHA!

We all take the good with the bad for sure. I had no idea how much noise my husband made before I married him. We did not live together first. He is sooo noisy!! Haha!

Janet, I agree that you are in a valley right now, but I have faith you will be on the upswing with Tony again soon. You both love each other. I think it is worth you changing one thing that you know will make him see how much you love him and doing that for a few weeks. You will figure it out. You are a smart lady and you know what you want and you will get it. You will get your Tony back. I am sure of it!
 

1905

Well-Known Member
Janet,how are you feeling today? Did you go to the dr? You need to and I hope all is well.

Hugs for your broken heart. Tony is forgetting the important things in life....love in your family, that's really all you need. Thart darn Buck is who Tony is emulating, Buck doesn't have ANYTHING or ANYBODY and he's "showing" Tony how wonderful it is.....well, it's not. I must have missed that you got your silver back FROM BUCK. Tony didn't care that his brother violated your home, and your things. All he cares about is Buck.

I would have a talk with him about nothing specific, just about how neither of you are going to live forever and how you want to grow old together, talk about what kind of life you would hope to have together in the future. Talk about the how you are all each other has, together you both raised these awesome kids and have these beautufl grandchildren. Talk about the blessing in life that only you 2 have together. Don't mention "Buck" or anything regarding the little crummy stuff going on now. You are the one going to be there for him. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but you want to be with him. You want to spend some time with him each day and I know he wants to spend time with you, use your words and tell him what you want and need. Forget about laundry, trash, dishes.....you need to reconnnect a little each day, that's it, we all need that...seriously it can be 10 minutes of talk. Each day. Tell him. Hugs.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Well quite a few posts since I last got on. Sorry about that.

You all have some very valid points. I have been feeling a ton worse pain-wise and I am really hoping these new medications help out. I am starting them tonight and have asked Tony to be here this weekend with me to keep an eye on me. I never like to start new medications without him around just for safeties sake. He doesnt quite understand that but he agreed to do it. We also have the baby tonight. Unfortunately, we also have Buck this afternoon because he needed to dry his clothes. Whatever.

I think it was Thursday morning before he left for work, I got up when he was getting ready to go. He always sits on the couch for a little while and watches the news. I went out there because I was in so much pain and hadnt slept a wink all night and I just crawled into his lap and told him that I hurt so bad. He just held me for a few minutes. He had told me the night before that he has to go out of town all next week to work and I asked him if when he gets back if we could plan for a weekend for ourselves. Just to go somewhere just the two of us. He said sure.

So far this weekend things have been okay except for the fact that Buck is here. I am being polite. Buck has already asked Cory for a vicodin. Yeah..our tea totaling ex addict. The one who never takes anything not prescribed by a doctor. Cory told him no. Cory also told me not to make a big deal out of it. Im not. It just shows me something.

So now I am trying to decide where I want to take a weekend trip to. I have looked online at some spots but the ones I really want to go to are very expensive...lol. I found some spa retreats that sound wonderful but I cant see Tony having a massage and a facial...lol.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
I'm on your team, Janet. I really hope that you can come up with a mutually enjoyable location for your alone time. I somehow, lol, don't picture spa's and massages so much as I picture laid back fishing and decent meals BUT do I know about your marriage?..each of us has our own challenges. :)

I will share, however, that the two most memorable trips that I planned for my husband were a surprise fishing trip to some God awful place that he loved, LOL, and a surprise trip for him to go up in a hot air balloon. Neither one was "my" thing but he still talks about them. Hmmmmm....have I ever mentioned that we are opposties, lol??? DDD
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Oh lord are Tony and I opposites. He cant stand anything I like and I cant stand anything he likes. The really funny thing is that when we met I only liked tiny little dogs because I had a poodle growing up. I swore I would never have anything like a pit bull or any big dog. Tony swore he would never have any little yappy dog. In the end, I grew to love big dogs and he now has a 5 pound lap dog that adores him and looks just like him.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Hmmmm.

How about a place that maybe offers an outing for Tony to do some cool deep water fishing (like off the coast?) and an afternoon of pampering for you........then a lovely romantic dinner for two and the whole evening together. (turn the cell phones OFF LOL ) Or something like that.........that has maybe an hour or two of something each of you enjoy, and then you can get back together to enjoy the rest of the time??

I like fishing. But even if I didn't I'd think the deep water thing was cool........just to go out for scenery or to see what they haul in. lol
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Hmmmmm....have I ever mentioned that we are opposties, lol??? DDD
What else is knew.... "opposites attract".

It's not about finding something that's "top 10" for both of you... it's about finding something that is "top 10" for Tony, but which is on your "significantly enjoyable" list even if it isn't top-10.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Lisa...obviously you havent been deep sea fishing! They leave at daylight and come in 12 hours later. That isnt a romantic weekend. Not for me. It is a wonderful weekend for him and his boss! They come home beat to death and stinking and sunburned. Even if you are used to going out on these boats, you can sometimes get seasick. Its a 50/50 shot. Not my idea of a good time.

We used to go down to the beach and get a motel and we would go out on the piers and we would fish/read together. I would read and he would fish but it has gotten much harder for me to do that in the last two years. I cant take the heat as well and now I cant walk even from the beginning of the pier to the end and back. Im thinking I would like something maybe with a small pond. That would work better. Or even someplace that isnt about fishing at all. Obviously there has to be more to life than that.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Lisa...obviously you havent been deep sea fishing! They leave at daylight and come in 12 hours later. That isnt a romantic weekend. Not for me. It is a wonderful weekend for him and his boss! They come home beat to death and stinking and sunburned. Even if you are used to going out on these boats, you can sometimes get seasick. Its a 50/50 shot. Not my idea of a good time.

We used to go down to the beach and get a motel and we would go out on the piers and we would fish/read together. I would read and he would fish but it has gotten much harder for me to do that in the last two years. I cant take the heat as well and now I cant walk even from the beginning of the pier to the end and back. Im thinking I would like something maybe with a small pond. That would work better. Or even someplace that isnt about fishing at all. Obviously there has to be more to life than that.

Obviously........I've never been. :rofl: I really like fishing.......but I can't say that sounds very appealing. I'm a cane pole and a worm sort of gal, myself. That would be outta my league.

I was just trying to think if maybe there wasn't something you could find to help each of you de-stress as well as reconnect. Do you like performers.......like country music or something? Maybe there would be a place to maybe eat and watch a performance of someone you'd like? I have no clue here as to what would be available to you, so that doesn't help in offering suggestions. lol

My husband's idea of a good time was playing a video game on his computer. Before that, it was Star Trek. He had no outside interests really. Once upon a time I dreamed of dining in an upscale restaurant (one of those really expensive places) then catching an off Broadway show. You could've knocked husband over with a toothpick when I told him. That is actually so out of character for my "normal" self.......he thought I was joking. So I never got to do it. Actually the off Broadway show is really what I wanted........I'd hoped the dinner at the restaurant would entice him to go.

Maybe ask Tony if there was something out of the ordinary he's always wanted to do?? Maybe you couldn't do it this weekend getaway, but you could plan ahead for it?
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Yes he does Star...we have a picture of them together and they look just alike...lmao. It was right before they both got a haircut!

Actually one thing we both do like to do is concerts but I dont think anyone we like is coming soon. Billy just heard Kiss is coming soon around here but the cheapest tickets are like $1200. Gulp! No way. We didnt find out soon enough. That is Billy's favorite band of all time.

Im waiting for Scotty McCreery to make his way down here. I would love to go see a broadway show. I would love to drag Tony to NYC but he would be shaking in his boots the entire time. He is scared to death of the place. I told him one of the things on my Bucket list is to go to Times Square for NY's eve. I dont think he is going to take me. I also want to see the fireworks over the hudson. Somehow I think I got with a guy who isnt going to make those two things happen because he is afraid of the north. I keep telling him fishing is great in Cape Cod...lmao.

This trip has to be just a few hours away though. I saw a thing on TV about Hilton Head. I wonder if we could pass for married. It said it was 99 for a weekend but it had to be for married or engaged couples only. I doubt they are going to make us bring a marriage certificate. If they actually ask for one, I could get Jamie to send me his. Same name...lmao. Well, my name isnt. I just wouldnt say my name.
 

Lothlorien

Active Member
I hope you two figure things out. I feel for you.

What about Williamsburg, VA? That's a nice weekend trip and not too, too far.
 
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