Life is so hard

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by Tregoe, Aug 9, 2017.

  1. Tregoe

    Tregoe New Member

    My son is 29 years old. Was diagnosed with bi-polar as a teen. Has not been diagnosed as an adult. He moved out of my house when he 18 and into a home with my sister, her family, and my mother. By then I had put him through many medication trials and a year at a behavior camp, all of which didn't help him. His main addiction is marijuana because it "helps him be able to deal with life." I can tell he also suffers from social anxiety. He did have his own place for about 2 years, but ended up loosing it. He's been in and out of relationships, but they usually end violently. He does have an 8 year old son, but has no contact with him mostly because the mother doesn't want him interrupting his life. I definitely get that. I do have contact with my grandson though. At this point, my son had been living in another state with my mother for about 6 years. Mostly it has been my mother supporting him cause he can't mentally or physically deal with a job. He's been in so many fights that his body is a wreck. She moved back to my state about a year ago. He stayed and moved in with a friend. Fast forward to now. Things with friend finally hit rock bottom. He gets a ride back here with his two dogs and all his issues. She is living with my uncle due to having taken care of him and her sister. Her sister passed away 8 months ago, but he is in poor health so she stayed to continue his care. Now my son is here. I can't help him. She wants to, but her money is not going to be able to do that again plus she has responsibility with my uncle. He's currently staying in a hotel with his two dogs, but that ends tomorrow when money runs out. My husband, his step dad, would never allow him to live with us and frankly, I could never do that again. Course that kills me. Any help or suggestions on how to help him, or my mom, or myself would be greatly appreciate. We are in Delaware.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You cant help him. Or your mom. In fact, why is it your impossible job to fix your son and mother? Are you a wealthy miracle worker?

    Your son is a man. So is my 24 year old autistic son. My son lives on his own and gets some social security and works teo jobs and takes care of himself in his oen place on his own dime. Your son needs to learn to take care of himself. You and Mom cant live forever.

    Is your son on Disability? If not, why not? That is money to help him get a case manager and find housing on his dime. It wont be a glamorous place, but so what? He can get help and cut the violence. He is 29, not even close to being young.if he chooses to do nothing to help hiself and live on the streets without any services, that is his choice. He will learn to be street savvy. They all do. There are food pantries, shelters and other services.

    With his history he is a danger to others. We can not live forever. May as well he learn consequences of his violence now as when you are gone, if he hasnt wised up, he will call the streets his home then, and no magic words will change that or help Mom. We can only change oe We can change how we respond to others and learn that we matter...and be good to ourselves first.

    Forget the cute little boy your son was at ten. He is not that boy. He is a man and society pereives him as almost thirty years old. Dont blame mental illness. My autistic son works. Bipolars work. Depressives work. Anxious people work. Its up to him.

    I would recommed SSD first and cut out the Bank of Mom. He can live in a room in a private home or a homeless shelter and choose not to be violent. Is he taking psyhiatric medications? If Occupational Therapist (OT), that is his problem. Is he using other drugs? This is all on his shoulders at his age, even if he is immature or truly has bipolar. Only WE can take steps to heal ourselves. Yes, he must do it himself.

    Wishing you a peaceful life from now on
    Detach, detach, detach from his drama. It is his life, not yours. Be good to yourself.

    Mom could learn to take care of herself too. Or not. Really, it is up to her. She should not be bothered with gradson at her age.

    My hearty opinion is that you need a therspist badly so that you learn coping and self love skills. You deserve it.
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2017
  3. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    agree fully with SWOT. He is a grown man and has his own choices to make. Time for you to get out of his way...and I don't mean that as harshly as it sounds but until you make some changes, he will continue to rely on and oh by the way blame you for everything. Time to let go and find some peace in your life. He will find his way.Hugs
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tregoe, welcome. I'm sorry you are going thru this with your son.

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You may also want to read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness is a wonderful organization you can access on line. They have chapters in many cities. They have parent courses, which I've taken....they are excellent in offering options, guidance, support and general help and understanding for what we parents go thru. I would highly recommend you contact them for support for YOU and perhaps your mother as well.

    It appears that your family has been embroiled in your son's behaviors and choices for a very long time. It is difficult to pull ourselves away from enabling our adult troubled kids, but allowing our lives to be dictated by the choices of our kids is not healthy for us or for them. It takes some work for us to pull ourselves away and most of us require some kind of professional support to do so. If you don't already, I suggest you find a therapist for YOU, for you to learn how to take care of yourself first and how to detach from you son's choices and behaviors and how to set strong boundaries. You can also get involved in 12 step groups, CoDa is a good place to start.

    There is not much any of us can do once our kids are legal adults. Most of us come to the point of recognition that our helping is not helping but enabling and keeping all of us stuck. To find our way out of that behavior is often riddled with guilt, resentment, anger, sorrow, grief and uncertainty. Hence, professional help to wade through our own issues so that we can let go and accept what is, what we cannot change, fix or control.

    I know how hard this is and I'm sorry you are experiencing the struggles and the pain. Keep posting, get yourself support, put your own needs as the priority........and hang in there. It is difficult to change and shift out of enabling our kids but it is doable. I'm glad you're here......
  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I feel your pain I really do. I am in the middle of thais crisis myself. Mixed social disorder and drug abuse. I have pit my son out just 2 days ago. It is not easy but I am not helping him. He has choices he needs to make.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I know we sound very harsh. Please know we don't mean any of this to be harsh. We are thinking of your best interests and actually of your son's best interests also. The world isn't going to cushion him when you and your mom are not able to help him any longer. It will be a harsh wake-up call, one that he will be better able to cope with at a young age than an older age. Many of us have had to see our own children through this, and we know it is incredibly hard on the parents.

    SWOT, the first person who replied to you, not only has an autistic son who is independent with a little help from disability, she also speaks from experience. She has anxiety and bipolar disorder. She has suffered with them from childhood and supported herself and her family anyway. Her family never supported her and in some ways it may have been good for her. Why? She HAD to find help because she had to function. She didn't have any other choices. If she didn't function, go to work, go to the store, etc...., she didn't eat or have a roof over her head.

    Please take what she said to heart. She truly knows what she is talking about and is saying what is best, in the long run, for your son and your family. Your family is very enmeshed with your son and his illness and addiction. Many people with bipolar self medicate with alcohol or drugs (including marijuana) and it becomes addiction for them. This is something that the whole family needs help with because it impacts the entire family. It literally infects everyone, even though not everyone uses the substances.

    Please seek therapy. Read about detachment. Read Codependent No More by Beattie. Seek out NAMI online and if possible go to parent groups and other meetings. Maybe even go to alanon or Narcotics Anon family meetings. Keep posting here and reading here. We won't judge, and we know that you won't/cannot do all of the things we suggest. That is fine. They are ideas, suggestions. You have to choose the ones that are right for you, and we respect that. We are still here for you and we won't ever judge you. Take what works for you and leave the rest. You won't upset us by doing that.

    I am sorry you had to come find us, but I am very glad you are here with us. Welcome to our corner of the web.