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Family of Origin
Life without Sis is amazingly, surprisingly good! Boundaries rock!
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 628028" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>You know what, MWM? Standing right up for ourselves is not only okay, it really is the best thing we can do for ourselves and for the other guy, too. Those of us who commit to listen, who believe we can love someone enough for them to take hold and love themselves enough to change their situations are...well, I think we might be wrong, MWM. </p><p></p><p>We have been living our lives as though we believed everyone is like us. We take the tiniest bit of direction or recognition and run very far with that little bit of fuel.</p><p></p><p>I do that. I am thinking you do, too.</p><p></p><p>For people like us, I think the belief system that keeps us lurching along is that if we love someone the way we wish we'd been strengthened and loved and believed in, they will rise.</p><p></p><p>Just like we rose, without all those things.</p><p></p><p>But I think that might not be true, MWM.</p><p></p><p>I have not been able to change a blessed thing with my unconditional love, with my I-know-you-can-do it, I know you didn't mean it approach. What I have seen is that when my response is anything but "Yay, you!" those same people I have been (supposedly) loving into rising turn on me with a vengeance.</p><p></p><p>That is how I got to a place where I did not even get it that my own son was calling me a jerk, saying I was not only a really bad mom but a crummy grandmother, and where's my money. Which was never enough, but where is it, anyway.</p><p></p><p>Know what I did?</p><p></p><p>Apologized, sent the money, and sent extra things to the grandchildren.</p><p></p><p>He had an excellent teacher.</p><p></p><p>Me.</p><p></p><p>**********</p><p></p><p>Speaking for myself here, there was a time when I was so sure that if I could love someone enough, I could change them into who they already were, but just weren't living up to.</p><p></p><p>Nope.</p><p></p><p>They pick who they want to be just like we did, MWM.</p><p></p><p>I am beginning to accept that people don't change.</p><p></p><p>And not only that? But I am actually totally okay with that. I am not so much believing for the best anymore because what is happening right in front of my face is unacceptable. </p><p></p><p>Instead, I am saying, "It is what it is."</p><p></p><p>Unacceptable.</p><p></p><p>There is no more value judgment to it than that. </p><p></p><p>My head is still spinning a little from all this new thinking I am doing. I am upset with myself for all that time I wasted believing other people gave a hoot whether I believed in them or not. </p><p></p><p>Maybe all that believing for the best I did was the way I made myself feel better, feel stronger. Maybe, that was how I made myself matter.</p><p></p><p>I was wrong to do that.</p><p></p><p>It seems to me, MWM, that these people we thought we were holding strong for were using our tenderness to justify themselves and rationalize NOT changing.</p><p></p><p>My head really is still spinning.</p><p></p><p>It is almost like, if people choosing to go a wrong way believe someone somewhere believes they are bright, decent people...then they can be as jerky as they want to, with impunity.</p><p></p><p>And they WERE jerky, MWM.</p><p></p><p>And we never called them on it, because we believed they were better than to do what they were doing TO US, and we believed that one day they would get it.</p><p></p><p>What to hay?!?</p><p></p><p>So I am done with all that believing for the best stuff.</p><p></p><p>I am being kind to myself, appreciative of myself, instead.</p><p></p><p>And that is working pretty well for me, so far.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>****</p><p></p><p>This year, MWM, when everything seemed to explode into a million pieces for me, I somehow found myself in the company of a number of very strong women. The difference between them and me, as far as I can tell, is that whereas I pretty consistently look to see where I went wrong and try to keep everyone happily functioning away...these women, though they care very much how others feel, cut those who are too messed up to function with excellence and precision right out of their lives.</p><p></p><p>They are so focused on meeting the world on their own terms, and on creating some good thing with their time and effort, that they really don't think overmuch about how to help anyone else feel better.</p><p></p><p>It's like the emotional head room for worrying about what someone else says or does or how they feel is taken up with other, more productive things. They are goal oriented, and they drive themselves hard. What is in their heads is clarity about where they intend to take their lives.</p><p></p><p>They surround themselves with people who are doing the same thing. </p><p></p><p>That seems like a good way to be, to me.</p><p></p><p>It isn't even about my sister or my mother or even my kids, anymore. I love them, but they get to be whoever they want to be.</p><p></p><p>And if their actions are not acceptable to me, they don't get a free pass anymore because I am hoping they will change into someone who doesn't do those things.</p><p></p><p>They do what they do with intent and purpose.</p><p></p><p>I am learning to respect them (and myself) enough to believe they mean what they say.</p><p></p><p>The story can end right there. I don't have to figure out what they meant or how to help them be stronger.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Maybe you could think of it not so much as leaving her high and dry, as that you are bringing into your own life only those things that strengthen you and bring you joy.</p><p></p><p>That is how I am thinking about it.</p><p></p><p>And there are so many good things in or lives, MWM. Think of all the time wasted feeling badly or trying to figure out how to help someone else motivate to change. </p><p></p><p>I feel badly for myself now, at all that wasted time.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It seems to me that we have that responsibility to our own lives, MWM. If it is true that we are here on purpose, then we have some purpose, some dream of our own, that we are meant to pursue, something big we are meant to accomplish. If it was to heal our families of origin, we have put in our time.</p><p></p><p>It didn't work.</p><p></p><p>It's time to try this new way of seeing and of being in the world.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that will wake them up.</p><p></p><p>And if it doesn't MWM, at least we are awake, now.</p><p></p><p>Good for us.</p><p></p><p>It's been a long, hard road. It's time we let them walk on their own two legs. We have our own journeys to begin, and it is late in the day, for us.</p><p></p><p>We have to love ourselves now, MWM. We have to make that conscious choice. We have to stop beating ourselves up wondering what we did wrong or how we could have done better. We are good, decent people MWM, who somehow came out of our families of origin functional. </p><p></p><p>Just that makes us amazing.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 628028, member: 17461"] You know what, MWM? Standing right up for ourselves is not only okay, it really is the best thing we can do for ourselves and for the other guy, too. Those of us who commit to listen, who believe we can love someone enough for them to take hold and love themselves enough to change their situations are...well, I think we might be wrong, MWM. We have been living our lives as though we believed everyone is like us. We take the tiniest bit of direction or recognition and run very far with that little bit of fuel. I do that. I am thinking you do, too. For people like us, I think the belief system that keeps us lurching along is that if we love someone the way we wish we'd been strengthened and loved and believed in, they will rise. Just like we rose, without all those things. But I think that might not be true, MWM. I have not been able to change a blessed thing with my unconditional love, with my I-know-you-can-do it, I know you didn't mean it approach. What I have seen is that when my response is anything but "Yay, you!" those same people I have been (supposedly) loving into rising turn on me with a vengeance. That is how I got to a place where I did not even get it that my own son was calling me a jerk, saying I was not only a really bad mom but a crummy grandmother, and where's my money. Which was never enough, but where is it, anyway. Know what I did? Apologized, sent the money, and sent extra things to the grandchildren. He had an excellent teacher. Me. ********** Speaking for myself here, there was a time when I was so sure that if I could love someone enough, I could change them into who they already were, but just weren't living up to. Nope. They pick who they want to be just like we did, MWM. I am beginning to accept that people don't change. And not only that? But I am actually totally okay with that. I am not so much believing for the best anymore because what is happening right in front of my face is unacceptable. Instead, I am saying, "It is what it is." Unacceptable. There is no more value judgment to it than that. My head is still spinning a little from all this new thinking I am doing. I am upset with myself for all that time I wasted believing other people gave a hoot whether I believed in them or not. Maybe all that believing for the best I did was the way I made myself feel better, feel stronger. Maybe, that was how I made myself matter. I was wrong to do that. It seems to me, MWM, that these people we thought we were holding strong for were using our tenderness to justify themselves and rationalize NOT changing. My head really is still spinning. It is almost like, if people choosing to go a wrong way believe someone somewhere believes they are bright, decent people...then they can be as jerky as they want to, with impunity. And they WERE jerky, MWM. And we never called them on it, because we believed they were better than to do what they were doing TO US, and we believed that one day they would get it. What to hay?!? So I am done with all that believing for the best stuff. I am being kind to myself, appreciative of myself, instead. And that is working pretty well for me, so far. :O) **** This year, MWM, when everything seemed to explode into a million pieces for me, I somehow found myself in the company of a number of very strong women. The difference between them and me, as far as I can tell, is that whereas I pretty consistently look to see where I went wrong and try to keep everyone happily functioning away...these women, though they care very much how others feel, cut those who are too messed up to function with excellence and precision right out of their lives. They are so focused on meeting the world on their own terms, and on creating some good thing with their time and effort, that they really don't think overmuch about how to help anyone else feel better. It's like the emotional head room for worrying about what someone else says or does or how they feel is taken up with other, more productive things. They are goal oriented, and they drive themselves hard. What is in their heads is clarity about where they intend to take their lives. They surround themselves with people who are doing the same thing. That seems like a good way to be, to me. It isn't even about my sister or my mother or even my kids, anymore. I love them, but they get to be whoever they want to be. And if their actions are not acceptable to me, they don't get a free pass anymore because I am hoping they will change into someone who doesn't do those things. They do what they do with intent and purpose. I am learning to respect them (and myself) enough to believe they mean what they say. The story can end right there. I don't have to figure out what they meant or how to help them be stronger. Maybe you could think of it not so much as leaving her high and dry, as that you are bringing into your own life only those things that strengthen you and bring you joy. That is how I am thinking about it. And there are so many good things in or lives, MWM. Think of all the time wasted feeling badly or trying to figure out how to help someone else motivate to change. I feel badly for myself now, at all that wasted time. It seems to me that we have that responsibility to our own lives, MWM. If it is true that we are here on purpose, then we have some purpose, some dream of our own, that we are meant to pursue, something big we are meant to accomplish. If it was to heal our families of origin, we have put in our time. It didn't work. It's time to try this new way of seeing and of being in the world. Maybe that will wake them up. And if it doesn't MWM, at least we are awake, now. Good for us. It's been a long, hard road. It's time we let them walk on their own two legs. We have our own journeys to begin, and it is late in the day, for us. We have to love ourselves now, MWM. We have to make that conscious choice. We have to stop beating ourselves up wondering what we did wrong or how we could have done better. We are good, decent people MWM, who somehow came out of our families of origin functional. Just that makes us amazing. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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