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Family of Origin
Life without Sis is amazingly, surprisingly good! Boundaries rock!
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 628179" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Of course you did, MWM. <em>She was your mother</em>. We are so vulnerable to our mothers. If they are ill...we are in deep, long time trouble. Until we can figure out what they did to us, where they damaged us, how to heal it, we sort of lurch through our lives trying to figure out what it is that is wrong with us so we can fix it.</p><p></p><p>We have to be our own best mothers now, MWM.</p><p></p><p>You need a role model.</p><p></p><p>I picked Maya Angelou.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Challenging an abusive parent <em>as you defiantly chose to do, MWM,</em> is not likely to be forgiven.</p><p>I don't understand why our mothers did the things they did, why our sisters do what they do. I expect it is because they have been hurt even worse than they hurt us. </p><p></p><p>I am sure they tried to do their best, MWM.</p><p></p><p>Whatever it was in us that allowed us to choose kindness, that allowed us to believe there was some better way to be, as a family...our mothers, and maybe even our sisters, too, cannot see it. The only reward system they can understand is the old, exclusionary one. I hear what you are saying, about feeling foolish and rejected?</p><p></p><p>That is how they want you, MWM. </p><p></p><p>Remember the duck pecker story? Someone you trust to tell you true things blows on your skin to anesthetize you. Then, quick as a wink, so quickly you can't even see it, she leans in and takes a bite out of your earlobe or maybe, out of that little round part on the side of your nose. Blowing on you again so you can't feel where they bit you, they make you feel really stupid because you're bleeding.</p><p></p><p>That's a duck pecker.</p><p></p><p><em>Just say "Stop it!", MWM. Shout it across the room, do whatever you have to do to keep them too far away to take that piece of meat out of your cheek or your nose or your earlobe.</em></p><p></p><p>The dysfunctional family will do anything, pretty much anything at all, to keep the balance of the status quo. Unless you were to continue to participate in the dysfunction, MWM, this was bound to happen. </p><p></p><p>I am proud of you (and of me, too) for standing up.</p><p></p><p>********************</p><p></p><p>The family of origin typically circles the wagons too, MWM, just like we do here on the site. But the wagons of dysfunctional families will be circled, not to protect and support, but to shame and isolate and disparage anyone with the courage to question the family mores and values.</p><p></p><p>We have been trained all our lives not to see the wrongness in our families of origin, MWM.</p><p></p><p>There are lots of things we have been trained not to see.</p><p></p><p>We are beginning to recognize the ways in which the dysfunctional value system we were raised with was harmful and wrong.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, at this point, we don't know so much about what to do, about what comes next, about how this will all look in the future? But we are both pretty clear MWM, about what we refuse to do anymore, in the name of family unity.</p><p></p><p>You are doing great, MWM. You are looking right at the dysfunction, not looking away and pretending it is funny or okay to hurt someone, or to be hurt, yourself.</p><p></p><p>Good on you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Because, like me, MWM...you didn't know any better.</p><p></p><p>Mom and sister together created an exclusionary reality where they could do whatever they did. It is a complexity of evil intent. </p><p></p><p>That is the horror of it. All that pain, all those questions, all that confusion...and it was never anything personal.</p><p></p><p>You took on your role in that dysfunctional family because you had no choice. Then, like I have been doing too, you got better. So you said, "Hey! Hey you guys, look what I found! We don't have to do it this way. We can be real people together. We can stop playing wooden people roles and share warmth and joy and all the good, positive things, instead! It doesn't always have be that we ridicule or exclude or condemn, anymore! Yay for us!" </p><p></p><p>And boy, they hate that.</p><p></p><p>That took alot of courage, MWM.</p><p></p><p>I wonder if anyone has ever told you how courageous a heart you have, to have stood up to your mother for the sake of your children.</p><p></p><p>************</p><p></p><p>There is laughter, oh so much laughter, in my family of origin too, MWM. If everyone is laughing, then there is nothing wrong here, right? In dysfunctional families though, there is a shrill, desperate note to the laughter, and there is blood in the water.</p><p></p><p>***********</p><p></p><p>I was in group therapy for family of origin issues for a really long time. It was so strange MWM, that I could see and be angry at what had happened to the others? But the things that had happened to me, I could not see as even abnormal. That is because, having been raised in an abnormal family, I had been taught abnormal things.</p><p></p><p>I didn't know any better, because I had no way to know any better.</p><p></p><p>It wasn't until I got away from them that I could see the wrongness in them. Every time I come back into the fold of my still precious, so messed up family that I still do love, right this very minute...I get sicker, get weaker, feel my boundaries fuzzing up.</p><p></p><p>I start feeling guilty and wrong and conflicted.</p><p></p><p>But I still want to be part of them, I still want to be there, to see their faces and hear their voices and feel that special way family feels.</p><p></p><p>But their laughter is always about someone, MWM. Not just family, but friends, extended family, anyone who comes close to them. They do alot of eye rolling, alot of making themselves better-than at the other person's expense. </p><p></p><p>What a waste. What a terrible waste.</p><p></p><p>****************</p><p></p><p>It is very wrong for your sister to treat you as she does, MWM. Your sister is wrong, and your mother was very wrong, for encouraging it.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry that happened to you, MWM.</p><p></p><p>But you are going to be just fine.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 628179, member: 17461"] Of course you did, MWM. [I]She was your mother[/I]. We are so vulnerable to our mothers. If they are ill...we are in deep, long time trouble. Until we can figure out what they did to us, where they damaged us, how to heal it, we sort of lurch through our lives trying to figure out what it is that is wrong with us so we can fix it. We have to be our own best mothers now, MWM. You need a role model. I picked Maya Angelou. Challenging an abusive parent [I]as you defiantly chose to do, MWM,[/I] is not likely to be forgiven. I don't understand why our mothers did the things they did, why our sisters do what they do. I expect it is because they have been hurt even worse than they hurt us. I am sure they tried to do their best, MWM. Whatever it was in us that allowed us to choose kindness, that allowed us to believe there was some better way to be, as a family...our mothers, and maybe even our sisters, too, cannot see it. The only reward system they can understand is the old, exclusionary one. I hear what you are saying, about feeling foolish and rejected? That is how they want you, MWM. Remember the duck pecker story? Someone you trust to tell you true things blows on your skin to anesthetize you. Then, quick as a wink, so quickly you can't even see it, she leans in and takes a bite out of your earlobe or maybe, out of that little round part on the side of your nose. Blowing on you again so you can't feel where they bit you, they make you feel really stupid because you're bleeding. That's a duck pecker. [I]Just say "Stop it!", MWM. Shout it across the room, do whatever you have to do to keep them too far away to take that piece of meat out of your cheek or your nose or your earlobe.[/I] The dysfunctional family will do anything, pretty much anything at all, to keep the balance of the status quo. Unless you were to continue to participate in the dysfunction, MWM, this was bound to happen. I am proud of you (and of me, too) for standing up. ******************** The family of origin typically circles the wagons too, MWM, just like we do here on the site. But the wagons of dysfunctional families will be circled, not to protect and support, but to shame and isolate and disparage anyone with the courage to question the family mores and values. We have been trained all our lives not to see the wrongness in our families of origin, MWM. There are lots of things we have been trained not to see. We are beginning to recognize the ways in which the dysfunctional value system we were raised with was harmful and wrong. Maybe, at this point, we don't know so much about what to do, about what comes next, about how this will all look in the future? But we are both pretty clear MWM, about what we refuse to do anymore, in the name of family unity. You are doing great, MWM. You are looking right at the dysfunction, not looking away and pretending it is funny or okay to hurt someone, or to be hurt, yourself. Good on you. Because, like me, MWM...you didn't know any better. Mom and sister together created an exclusionary reality where they could do whatever they did. It is a complexity of evil intent. That is the horror of it. All that pain, all those questions, all that confusion...and it was never anything personal. You took on your role in that dysfunctional family because you had no choice. Then, like I have been doing too, you got better. So you said, "Hey! Hey you guys, look what I found! We don't have to do it this way. We can be real people together. We can stop playing wooden people roles and share warmth and joy and all the good, positive things, instead! It doesn't always have be that we ridicule or exclude or condemn, anymore! Yay for us!" And boy, they hate that. That took alot of courage, MWM. I wonder if anyone has ever told you how courageous a heart you have, to have stood up to your mother for the sake of your children. ************ There is laughter, oh so much laughter, in my family of origin too, MWM. If everyone is laughing, then there is nothing wrong here, right? In dysfunctional families though, there is a shrill, desperate note to the laughter, and there is blood in the water. *********** I was in group therapy for family of origin issues for a really long time. It was so strange MWM, that I could see and be angry at what had happened to the others? But the things that had happened to me, I could not see as even abnormal. That is because, having been raised in an abnormal family, I had been taught abnormal things. I didn't know any better, because I had no way to know any better. It wasn't until I got away from them that I could see the wrongness in them. Every time I come back into the fold of my still precious, so messed up family that I still do love, right this very minute...I get sicker, get weaker, feel my boundaries fuzzing up. I start feeling guilty and wrong and conflicted. But I still want to be part of them, I still want to be there, to see their faces and hear their voices and feel that special way family feels. But their laughter is always about someone, MWM. Not just family, but friends, extended family, anyone who comes close to them. They do alot of eye rolling, alot of making themselves better-than at the other person's expense. What a waste. What a terrible waste. **************** It is very wrong for your sister to treat you as she does, MWM. Your sister is wrong, and your mother was very wrong, for encouraging it. I'm so sorry that happened to you, MWM. But you are going to be just fine. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Life without Sis is amazingly, surprisingly good! Boundaries rock!
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