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Family of Origin
Life without Sis is amazingly, surprisingly good! Boundaries rock!
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 628203" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Ha! Good for you and for me too, MWM. My kids are the same way with my sister. </p><p></p><p>When her children were little my sister would do things like having her two little girls parade around the dining room at family gatherings (which were always at my house) waving American flags and singing about our country.</p><p></p><p>Over and over again. The song would change, but not the marching around waving the flag part. Everyone was supposed to stop what they were doing and clap and praise the little girls.</p><p></p><p>And they were nice little girls, very cute.</p><p></p><p>But after awhile it got so you hated to see them coming. </p><p></p><p>And here is the strange part. I swear, my sister knew that. </p><p></p><p>****************</p><p></p><p>When my daughter was little, my mother had her on a pedestal <em>to the detriment of our son.</em> When other grandchildren came along (my sister's) that pedestal was already taken. And though it sounds too mean to be true, I believe that was the true nature of that little game my mom was playing.</p><p></p><p>My brother's children never had a shot at the pedestal. Had there never been any other grandchildren? His children still would have had no smallest hope of pedestal dwelling.</p><p></p><p>And all this was just accepted. Just how my mom was. I am going back over all this nasty, hurtful way that my family is, this morning. I am so surprised that I knew it, but that I did not know it, at the same time.</p><p></p><p>Dysfunction is so weird.</p><p></p><p>When difficult child daughter was admitted to dual-diagnostic at fourteen, my mother said what she said to me about not having been a very good mother after all, and abruptly turned her back on this "favorite" grandchild. It was very hurtful to difficult child daughter. My mother was never to support difficult child in the smallest way ~ not with a visit during her time in any treatment or diagnostic, not with warmth, not with advice or a card or money, not with belief that she could turn things around.</p><p></p><p>difficult child turned forty this year. That weird nastiness my mother displayed toward difficult child then has never changed.</p><p></p><p>It's like the children are sucked into the evil at the heart of the hurt, and the adults stand by and don't believe it could be what it looks like.</p><p></p><p>difficult child son never did think much of his grandmother or even, of his grandfather. (And just lately, I am beginning to see my father too in a new light.) After he grew up, he would speak of his hatred for her, and would tell me I should not have anything to do with her. It is only just lately that I am letting myself acknowledge the emotions locked away around so much of this. Like you, MWM, I wonder why I couldn't see it; why, in all the Hells that ever were, I allowed these things to go on.</p><p></p><p>When I learned I was pregnant with difficult child daughter (our first) I had told husband we were not going to see my parents, that I did not want them involved in any way with my children. husband is Italian. Large Italian family. He thought that was a spiteful, foolish way to be...and we saw my family through all those years when the kids were growing up.</p><p></p><p>Know when we stopped seeing so much of them?</p><p></p><p>When everything fell apart for us, and their support might have meant everything in the world to us, that's when.</p><p></p><p>Good for me, that I am seeing it, now.</p><p></p><p>************************</p><p></p><p>Somewhere just recently I posted about my granddaughters taking their aunt down in pretend karate moves. (Begun by my sister ~ the granddaughters' behaviors were entirely gutsy and appropriate and no one got hurt but my sister's vanity.)</p><p></p><p>Generational payback, maybe.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 628203, member: 17461"] Ha! Good for you and for me too, MWM. My kids are the same way with my sister. When her children were little my sister would do things like having her two little girls parade around the dining room at family gatherings (which were always at my house) waving American flags and singing about our country. Over and over again. The song would change, but not the marching around waving the flag part. Everyone was supposed to stop what they were doing and clap and praise the little girls. And they were nice little girls, very cute. But after awhile it got so you hated to see them coming. And here is the strange part. I swear, my sister knew that. **************** When my daughter was little, my mother had her on a pedestal [I]to the detriment of our son.[/I] When other grandchildren came along (my sister's) that pedestal was already taken. And though it sounds too mean to be true, I believe that was the true nature of that little game my mom was playing. My brother's children never had a shot at the pedestal. Had there never been any other grandchildren? His children still would have had no smallest hope of pedestal dwelling. And all this was just accepted. Just how my mom was. I am going back over all this nasty, hurtful way that my family is, this morning. I am so surprised that I knew it, but that I did not know it, at the same time. Dysfunction is so weird. When difficult child daughter was admitted to dual-diagnostic at fourteen, my mother said what she said to me about not having been a very good mother after all, and abruptly turned her back on this "favorite" grandchild. It was very hurtful to difficult child daughter. My mother was never to support difficult child in the smallest way ~ not with a visit during her time in any treatment or diagnostic, not with warmth, not with advice or a card or money, not with belief that she could turn things around. difficult child turned forty this year. That weird nastiness my mother displayed toward difficult child then has never changed. It's like the children are sucked into the evil at the heart of the hurt, and the adults stand by and don't believe it could be what it looks like. difficult child son never did think much of his grandmother or even, of his grandfather. (And just lately, I am beginning to see my father too in a new light.) After he grew up, he would speak of his hatred for her, and would tell me I should not have anything to do with her. It is only just lately that I am letting myself acknowledge the emotions locked away around so much of this. Like you, MWM, I wonder why I couldn't see it; why, in all the Hells that ever were, I allowed these things to go on. When I learned I was pregnant with difficult child daughter (our first) I had told husband we were not going to see my parents, that I did not want them involved in any way with my children. husband is Italian. Large Italian family. He thought that was a spiteful, foolish way to be...and we saw my family through all those years when the kids were growing up. Know when we stopped seeing so much of them? When everything fell apart for us, and their support might have meant everything in the world to us, that's when. Good for me, that I am seeing it, now. ************************ Somewhere just recently I posted about my granddaughters taking their aunt down in pretend karate moves. (Begun by my sister ~ the granddaughters' behaviors were entirely gutsy and appropriate and no one got hurt but my sister's vanity.) Generational payback, maybe. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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