life without the ex.......

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Apr 5, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    well so far so good. so different i'll say that. she hasnt' come after me as of yet. i think she's also ignoring him so doesn't realize yet she's been blocked. he hasnt' lifted block yet we'll see how long he makes it.

    yet yesterday we had kids, and no texts, no harrassing, just fine. he said at end of day look at that usually her and i would text all day to achieve what occured which is me getting kids, the overnight bag, dropping stepson at his rehearsal he's in a play (very cute). i said well remember that when she catches on and the guilt hits you.......

    on another note he's having problems. i told him yesterday i think your depressed. i'm watching you past few mos. you never smile, your always irritable, your impulsive, you just kinda drag yourself around, you sleep most of time kids are here on monday and wednesday. which is a new thing, he was always up playing football with stepson in street, softball with all the kids.

    lately he just sleeps says i dont' feel well and i'm manning the kids. he's normally cooking dinner etc. lately i've been cooking. his angry alot of the time, losing temper easily.

    i'm like oh sheesh everyone in my home is a wreck it seems. difficult child is just difficult child always, easy child is all over board, now him too? i actually told him i want youto go on a medication. i'm normally not a big medication person yet way he's been acting i didn't even think to notice because well alot else giong on......

    him and i have always clashed we're so different. yet at same time we always found our way. his increased neediness, quietness, tired all the time, and i mean totally not smiling at all, minimal. its creepy. not cooking dinner, just sleeping in bed.

    yesterday i ran to store he was sleeping i said wake up to watch kids. i come back he's still sleeping my kids are outside (their all old enough) and their chasing our dog that got out (first time since i returned home).

    so he has therapy tmrw he said he'll address it with therapist. if it's not one thing it's another.......
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Therapy is good. That's a good start. I hope he is honest with his therapist... It will help. Promise.
  3. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Therapy is a good start. Then maybe doctor can put him on a medication that has the side effect of reducing his "neediness". ;)
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I don't know he's been going for 2 mos with no improvement. i just feel like i'm always jumping thru hoops for everyone in my house i'm really getting tired of it to be very honest.
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    He was willing to (and followed through on) blocking the ex from texting. That's progress!
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    your right, i just spend my week with tutors than driving different kids to therapy lol than we have a board in kitchen where i write in everyone's therapy appts, difficult child, easy child's, husband's....... i'm like oh sheesh.....

    i gotta say i wonder how much of all of this is due to this past year and two hospitalizations almost back to back with difficult child and me gone most of the time the fall out? wonder if it's typical aftermath sort of thing in a situation similar to or like this.....

    i keep saying it's a good thing everyones cleaning up their junk, yet it doesn't feel so good all the time LOL.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Jena, hard as it is, this probably IS the aftermath of the stress, you being gone with difficult child, and it is just all too much for a family to cope with with-o some huge bumps in the road. I hoep that eventually things smooth out. Just FYI, my mom dragged my dad to therapy in the mid-late 70's when NO ONE saw a therapist for anything except "those strange people in California". NOT saying bad things about CA, just that it was what people said about it back then, at least where I grew up.

    It took over 20 YEARS for my dad to finally admit that while he hated therapy he learned a LOT from it and it helped him a LOT. in my opinion htis is very much a typical attitude for many guys, even now. So while nothing may seem to be happening, there might be a whole lot going on that you will never know. If you have issues that the therapist needs to know about but husband is not bringing it up, just fax a note to the therapist. How much can it hurt?
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    lol not a bad idea...... yet in all honesty i'd never get involved with-o his consent in his therapy. that's his "safe" place ya know.......

    good for your mom for dragging him off like that........ and yes you are right back than no one went to doctor's........ my MOM should be giong to a doctor. did you read the other thread... she's home in pain refusing to go to an e.r. poppin bayer to stop the chest pain sheesh. meanwhile my brother is going nuts calling me to vent. like what can i do? we dont' even speak anymore
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    gotta say i wonder how much of all of this is due to this past year and two hospitalizations almost back to back with difficult child and me gone most of the time the fall out? wonder if it's typical aftermath sort of thing in a situation similar to or like this.....

    Excellent questions to write down in your journal and carry with and ask your therapist. Also ask him how long he thinks typically it takes for anyone to open up and begin to start open a line of trust and communication with a therapist they just started seeing. These are all excellent questions, but based on your relationship and it's intracacies and intamacies? It would be impossible for anyone but you, husband and your therapist to know without your background completely and history. I can tell you it takes a LONG time, and a LOT of work on both parts. BUT - if only one part of a couple is willing to work on a marriage - eventually what happens is one part of two makes good informed decisions for themselves, and their children based on knowledge gained in therapy. THAT is why you keep going, and going and give it time. Not just a month or two or a year - TIME. You and husband didn't get this way over night, you aren't going to get fixed in a few sessions. There aren't any shortcuts - gently remind him of that when he seems frustrated with it all.

    Hugs and hang in there.
  10. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    That is good news regarding the ex. I would ask husband if he feels a weight lifted off his shoulder - has he been able to get more work done without her constant interruptions? You have stated how many hours he puts in for his business and I am thinking how much easier his days go without his ex texting all the time.

    Do you mention to him how more peaceful the day has gone (no need to mention the reason for the peacefulness, just ask if he has noticed - in a day or two ask what he thinks is making the difference, let him figure it out - less texts from ex means less stress!).

    His world is changing as drastically as yours. He has been in the "fight" for so long that all he knows is what has become his day to day , week to week, focus on work and what needs to be done with the ex and kids. This is all new to him too and he is finally realizing that he can not balance his past life with ex with his current life with you. He doesn't know how to let go of the past without hurting his ex or the kids.

    Help him focus on the good times like a peaceful day - a productive day because there was no interruptions.

    Maybe he is overwhelmed with everything that has happened in the last several years and doesn't know how to face it. He has always hidden in his business but issues are not going away for him. He needs to know that he can find a way to make his life and his family's (you and the kids) what he wants it to be and if that means putting tighter boundaries on ex's involvement in his life than so be it. They are already not together, she is a grown up who has already had him out of her day to day life (or should have) and it is not up to him to make sure she does not get hurt by cementing the already terms of ending that relationship. That bond has already been severed and they both have to let go! He has to walk away and let her figure out how to deal with her own life. Yes, she may be hurt but she has already lost him and everyday he lets her hang on will make it worse for everyone (even the kids).

    Sounds like he is ready to choose between her and you and has taken a step toward you. It is hard for him to do so and he will struggle with it until he sees and feels that he has done the right thing. He needs to realize that people will get hurt but he can no longer walk the fence line - it is better off for everyone if he can choose to commit to his current marriage.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    One point for him - it's better to commit to the marriage that has a chance, than one where the woman has openly declared herself to be a lesbian and has a live-in female lover... no matter what they HAD, it's past tense, as far as the chance of romance is concerned. Friendship and shared parenthood is a totally different kettle of mackerel, but there are many kinds of relationship. He needs to know how the different kinds work, and how to set (and keep) boundaries. So does she. And possibly, so do you. Or at least, you somehow all need to be working with the same rule book. And until now, that hasn't been happening. Mostly because of her grip on him, and his weakness/inability to set/keep those boundaries.

    It will take time and, I think, professional help/supervision to make it happen and make sure it keeps on being OK. There's no shame in needing help with this. it IS a bit out of the ordinary.

  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Something Andy mentioned about "being in the fight" triggered a thought of mine, too.

    Almost from Day One, husband and I were involved in the struggle to see his kids. To be able to love them. And when things calmed down? WE started to fight. It was almost as if we were addicted to the drama. When we saw what was happening? We both worked on it. It was HARD. I won't kid you. And we still do occasionally. Just not as constantly as we were.

    Just a thought...