Little meloncholy right now...wondering

[DammitJanet]

Maybe its being sick and Im just overly stressed out but...does anyone else here get completely overwhelmed with fights or arguments to the point that they simply cant deal with it and the first thing you think of is how many pills you have available to end it all? Not that I would actually do it but that is the first place my mind jumps and I shut down instead of fight or argue or even try to have a logical conversation. I end up in this quivering mass of tears huddled somewhere.

Im sure a ton of this is my ptsd and my other assorted diagnosis's but it ticks me off to no end that I cant even attempt to have a conversation because if I irritate someone and they yell, I get upset and this happens to me.

See...I tend to be pretty lonely at night because Tony goes to bed fairly early and when he hits the bed he falls dead asleep. I go to bed when he does but I cant fall asleep like that. I watch tv and sometimes I try to talk to him and he gets annoyed with me. I just want him to talk to me! He has been gone out of town all week, I have no one to talk to in person my age except my therapist, I dont know anyone else, no one calls me except maybe my kids...and I dont want to talk to my kids! I would really like to talk to someone over 40 or whom I didnt give birth to! He doesnt get it because he has friends and he is around people all day long.

Sometimes I really wonder if hanging around is all that great an option. What for?

 

[house of cards]

"This too shall pass," Wise words. If you're asking if anyone gets tired of trying to please everyone and wonders when is it their turn, yes, I do. I understand your need for conversation and I think you have been insightful with your man that he doesn't have that need from you...but he absolutely has other needs, you center him. I think you have picked a bad time to try to get your need met thou, try again in the morning or late afternoon. My man is grumpy if I bug him as he is trying to go to sleep too...why is it that that is when I have things to say, I don't know. Hang in there, you know there are ups and downs. Wishing you more ups, hugs

 

[hearts and roses]

{{Janet}} Yes to everything you said! My H is also an early to bed kind of guy and I often find myself sitting up alone and sometimes bored. I don't have anyone I can really call later in the evening and during the day I am working, so although I can talk with my co-workers, we're usually only discussing topical things.

I have found solace in reading, non-stop. I read all sorts of things, not just for entertainment. I read books that will help with my self development. And not because I'm addicted to self help books, but because there are a lot of good books out there that help us become stronger, more intutitive, and insightful about who we are, what we're doing here and how we can uplift ourselves to feeling content and knowing that we have purpose. So, I guess I read some things on how to be more in tune with my needs and my spirituality.

Do you have a library that you can visit? I've met a few interesting people just being at the library. Sometimes we click, other times it's just nice to share a conversation with a stranger and then leave it behind because we don't truly click.

Can you take a class in something that you've always been interested in such as painting, or knitting, or perhaps a town sponsored sport such as tennis/volleyball? I think filling up some of our time helps to make the lonely times pass more easily.

And lastly, I've joined NetFlix because there are a lot of movies that my H wouldn't be caught dead watching. What I've noticed is that whenever he sees that red envelope sitting in the mail he tends to want to stay up and watch a movie with me. It's odd, because he's even been watching what I would classify as 'chick flicks'! It's fairly inexpensive considering you're not having to pick up and drop off and there is never a late fee and they have just about every single movie ever made and after you've loaded up your queu, that's it - just wait for the movies to start rolling in! I love it - and I'm getting to check out movies that I never thought I'd watch. And if you're good, you see a lot of movies for your money. You can see trilogies, tv show series, anything!

I didn't mean to go on, I'm sorry. Mostly just wanted to send you a hug and let you know that I'm thinking of you.

 

[everywoman]

Janet---I know exactly what you mean. I spend all day long with high school kids---
husband is so tired at night he hits the pillow and goes straight to sleep. We've lost touch with our old social crowd. We never go anywhere or do anything because one of us is too tired. I get lonely. I do have several friends that I talk to on the phone---but my social circle has gotten so strong. I've actually been thinking about doing some volunteering to broaded my circle. I know I've got to do something or I'm going to die of boredom.

 

[busywend]

Janet, I do not think it is a usual reaction for me to consider not being on earth any longer. I will not say it has never crossed my mind, but only in the very darkest of days.

I do think this is part of your diagnosis. I think it is important for you to be able to recognize your triggers and figure out the best way to handle them. If talking to someone is a trigger, you need to find a mechanism that helps you do it in smaller pieces or at a calmer moment.

I tend to not talk in the heat of the moment. I wait a day or two until I can process all of my feelings and thoughts. Then I approach what it is I need to get across to the other person. If I know it will hurt or anger them - I take longer to process it - mostly out of fear. I hate to hurt anyone.

Janet, reach out. I know you have friends here on the board. I am sure someone would be thrilled to have you to talk to for 10 minutes on the phone at night even if it is once a week. Reach out.

HUGS!!! I can call you whenever you need me to! I would be honored!

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Janet,

I think it's part your diagnosis, part our age (the over 40 crowd with either kids gone or kids teens and never home!), and part your particular circumstances (with Tony pretty noncontributory in the evenings).

I don't believe there is anyone in your life that couldn't do without you or without what you have done for them over the years.

Since I just got my comcast digital voice (guy came wed to install, thur no phone, 8 am today they came back-I have a phone now) and long distance is free, I'm available to chat. Would love to talk to a former resident of my home town!!!!

If you ever want to talk, just pm me with your number and we can chat.

Hugs ,
Sharon

 

[Marcie Mac]

I hear you Janet. I work all day long by myself and the only person I ever get to see is the maillady and whenever the Arrowhead man comes in to bring me my water. SO comes to work with me, but he has made friends with the people in the coin shop at the end of the complex, so he now wheels himself over there and helps out all day long. Its been great for him to have someone to talk to besides me, and he is not so focused anymore on his illness.

And when we come home, he goes straight to bed, watching the war channel, either that or he is killing and maiming with the War games on the Xbox, and my night is in the living room playing on Pogo or other various and assundry games because the bombs and gunfire get on my nerves. Once in a while I will catch sight of Dan, and only get to see Jamie in the morning for about a half hour because he has been working two jobs.

PM me your number and I will call you to chat, or send me your Yahoo name and we can play some games

marcie

 

[Shari]

I not only have these thoughts on occassion (also would never do it), but I find myself wondering if these weren't some of the kids people built little secret rooms for in their houses 100 years ago...

Every Woman's idea of volunteering is great. I met a lot of people that way when I moved here years ago.

Or heck, give me a call. I'm usually dying for adult conversation myself. but I'm not quite over 40 yet.

 

[Hound dog]

I would really like to talk to someone over 40 or whom I didnt give birth to! He doesnt get it because he has friends and he is around people all day long.

Oh, yeah. I hear ya there!That was on of my motivators to go back to school. My husband would spend every spare moment in bed sleeping if I didn't throw a fit. He's always been that way.

As for highly emotional situations like fighting or high stress, I find them exceptionally physically draining. I mean I'm left feeling like I've run a marathon with a bout of the fllu. And usually I have to go crash in bed for about an hour to get rid of it. I dunno why, but I can always remember being that way. It's one of the reasons I don't like to argue.

As for dark thoughts, I've noticed the return of them from time to time once menopause started. Last time I had them was back in puberty. So I wonder if there isn't a connection maybe. But like you, I'd never act on them so that part of it isn't a worry. I just don't like thinking along those lines. I know I'm hitting bottom when I do that.

It's probably stress, being so sick, menopause, and your dxes that is making it so bad for you right now. And you know how being sick can play havoc with us bpers and our medications.

Hang in there. The virus doesn't last forever, it just seems like it.

(((hugs)))

 

[susiestar]

I am calling you.

 

[Star*]

Janet,

Nope, not me, not ever ----not even once. Why I'm so joyfully, blissfully, lovingly, scooter pie, over the moon, around the bend, chuckling, happily, content, sweet, sweet, schmoopsy pooh happy.

Jeeze Louise - are you kidding? Yes.

I asked my therapist about this one time after I had that nervous breakdown - and disassociative state with that hysterical laughing at something dumb. I am sure I printed it here - it was after difficult child broke his jaw and we saw the surgeon and they said he could be mule lipped? I lost it. Riding in the car, no one was talking and I started laughing and kept on laughing for miles and was laughing so hard, I sounded like a barking seal - it got to the point there DF was going to pull over and slap me. I could see me rise above my body in the car and I was just hysterically laughing. I now know that those old black and white movies where the crazy person laughs - is true. When you go that far in stress your body is TRYING to reason with itself, trying to jerk you back into reality.

Thoughts (while never acted upon) of desperation are the SAME sort of thinking. It's your bodies way of snapping itself back or healing itself on the fly. It comes with severe stress. I've only had these feelings three times with Dude around. And then I had a stroke. So be careful.

As far as being lonely? I would be a Bi-polar socialite. When I'm out? I'm talking to every and anybody. When I'm home? I just don't want to be bothered - I LOVE to be ALONE. I'm not anti-social - I've just adjusted to being alone So long - now I prefer it, and can entertain myself. um...I mean....well you KNOW what I mean. I draw, I paint, I clean....I do laundry - I research for advocation for children. And I like the quiet.

Jo had good suggestions - take up some kind of Knitting and make your granddaughters something pretty -

How goes the interview too?

 

[DammitJanet]

Thanks for the thoughts everyone.

Dont worry, I am fine. I appreciate the offers of friendship and will reach out. I know I have good friends here on the board and for that I am grateful beyond belief. This is one of the places I feel safe enough to actually reveal my feelings.

I am acutely aware of not wanting to act "borderline" and appear attention seeking which is not what I was doing by posting this. I dont know...sometimes I just get really lonely and sad.

 

[Hound dog]

Janet

I certainly didn't think you were attention seeking, my friend.

You needed to unload and that's what we're all here for. And from the replies, you're not alone in some of the things you're feeling/felt.

I do want to say that if your mood doesn't improve you might want to contact psychiatrist and see if the illness is effecting you enough to maybe adjust the medications a bit til it passes.

Sending many warm ((((hugs)))) your way. Hope you feel better soon.

 

[Steely]

Janet, I have frequent thoughts of suicide........and I have since I was 13. I now know, that it is my mental wiring, and part of a funky coping mechanism that causes these thoughts - I have gotten therapy, and medications for it - but sometimes it still blindsides me. Especially when I am really, really stressed out. In fact I just talked to my therapist about this, because the thoughts had gotten really bad again.

I find this a very painful affliction. It is like my coping mechanisms completely shut down, and the only thing my mind can think of to do is entertain leaving the world. It is really frustrating, and something I rarely tell anyone about, unless I want them to admit me somewhere. Sometimes I think it is the secrecy of having such compulsive dark thoughts, that makes them worse. I mean, who do you tell that kinda thing to?

Anyway, I just want to reach out and tell you I totally understand. In every way shape and form..........and truthfully, I wish I could talk about this with people more......without them freaking out, and thinking they need to call a suicide hotline. I mean, I am 40 - and I have had these dark thoughts for 27 years........I don't think I am going to act on it.......it is just nice to sometimes be able to talk about this when you are in such a crummy place.

Big hugs.

 

[wakeupcall]

All I feel is wanting to run away and never to be found....on the otherhand, I wouldn't want husband alone with difficult child. That would be a recipe for pure disaster, so I stick around to protect difficult child. Who ever thought I would have to "protect" one of my children? ARG...! No wonder I want to run away.

Janet, we know you don't mean it and we're so glad to have you here, instead, to rant and rave and also to dish out a cyber-slap when one of us gets to feeling the same. We're all family here and it's SO rewarding to have a place where I have many friends and I know you feel the same. I have NO one else to explain the daily arguments, disrespect, etc. I get from difficult child. It's exhausting and crying only helps a little. I don't even WANT to talk to husband about it all....guess one gets to that point after so long. Maybe if I could ditch difficult child AND husband (in different ditches) I could have a little peace in my live.

Friend, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Just PM me and my time is yours!

 

[1905]

I sometimes feel like, I gotta get out of here. And then I don't have anywhere to go. The times I have actually left the house in this mood I started crying because I don't want to be unhappy in my own house. I love to read and that's my outlet. Sadly I don't have time, after work I do chores pretty much until bedtime, then I read one paragraph and I'm asleep.

Frankly, I love it when husband is gone(ssh) then I can just worry about myself. But he is a man and I think for the most part they are all alike. My husband doesn't really listen to me, sometimes he gives me answers at the correct intervals without even hearing what I say . My friends husbands are pretty much the same in terms of being conversationalists.

If you, or anyone on this board wants to talk, PM me -I'll always have a listening ear.-Alyssa