Lol and Jabber: Update?

[Childofmine]

Lil, you got to lay eyes on him last night, feed him, get his clothes washed, and send him out there again into the world with a second pan of food.

You did your part for your son.

Even in the worst of it, I would give my son food. Even if he didn't come here, I would meet him at the day shelter, we would sit in the car for 10 minutes or so and talk---I laid eyes on him---and then he would get out of the car or I would drop him off somewhere.

I would do that for anybody. I would do it for the "least of them" so I did it for my son.

Once again, it's up to him.

Last night I also had dinner with my Difficult Child. He's doing better, as you all know, working, paying his bills, figuring out how much of each check to hold back for the rent, doing his research to find the best laundry detergent for the cheapest (Sam's Club, he says), mowing the lawn for extra money at his stepmom's house that is for sale. He wanted to use my vac. to clean out his car so he did that. We went to eat at a Mexican restaurant he's been wanting to try. I sent him home with some leftovers from a couple of dinners we have had this week. He says he has $40 to last until Thursday.

All of that is tremendous progress from a year ago.

On the "other" side, it appears he is back with girlfriend. He says she isn't living there but they saw each other and he took her to work at her new job. Ugh.

He "needs" a new job, but hasn't done anything about getting one.

He said his house is a mess but he's too tired to clean it up.

Well, okay. Your house, not my house. Your life, not my life. Your girlfriend, not my girlfriend. Your job, not my job. I guess if you get sick and tired enough, you'll do something about it all. If not, well...your life.

It's so good for us to see the reality of them, and then, wait....don't do anything...resist all of the speeches we are so good at giving...sleep on it...and realize all we have learned here.

Doesn't do a thing to help when we are solving their problems for them. My son said he puts $5 of gas at a time in his car. I had this crazy impulse to go and get him a gas card....but I didn't.

These are the lessons he MUST learn in order to grow.

Let's all hang in there, and remember that we have each other, and we all get it.

 

[pasajes4]

I need to make a correction. I did not read the drug testing question correctly. I read it as " you don't have to pass....".

I could not work in a nursing home. I would be heartbroken everyday.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

My daughter was so proud to show me her paycheck the last time I saw her. It wasn't much, working at McDonald's, but to her - it was everything. Even though she doesn't keep much of it at all, she said it made her feel SO good to work and pay her own rent. For some reason, that was always a night and day difference when she is clean and when she isn't. When she is clean, she wants to work, pay her own way and doesn't want anything from anyone. When she relapsed, she would take anything we would give her.

Lil, I would not feel bad about him being homeless. Not one bit. I'm sorry, but he should have went to Job Corp. It was a golden opportunity for him...

 

[Jabberwockey]

You can't compare yourselves (you have choices) to him.

We weren't comparing ourselves, just commenting on our lack of desire to EVER work in a nursing home. If he were to try that line of work, I doubt he would make it through the first day. As soon as he saw someone cleaning a bed pan he would bolt. Oddly, in spite of his aversion to bathing he also has an aversion to getting his hands dirty. Literally. I never in my life saw a teenage boy who would eat pizza or cupcakes so daintily!

Many jobs do test for alcohol. An alcoholic guy my husband once knew had trouble getting jobs for that reason. Not all jobs are safe if you've been drinking the night before (heavily).

Excellent point. When I was with Probation and Parole doing electronic monitoring supervision we switched companies and had to test out the new ankle bracelets. I got to test the TAD, Transdermal Alcohol Detector. Our job was to try and beat it. I got VERY drunk one night and never registered .06 which is below the legal limit in Missouri. I can assure you that if I had taken a breathalyzer it would have been at least .12 or higher. I was drinking three screwdrivers an hour with an occasional shot thrown in for good measure. I still wish I had remembered to contact the local PD BEFORE I started so I could explain what I was doing and request a breathalyzer later!

 

[Jabberwockey]

Sorry, just realized I forgot to make my point in the above post. The point is that someone who is a heavy drinker/alcoholic, they always have alcohol in their blood stream so they actually calibrate the readings up to take that into account. So yes, an alcoholic could have a hard time passing drug testing as well.

 

[Lil]

I got VERY drunk one night and never registered .06 which is below the legal limit in Missouri. I can assure you that if I had taken a breathalyzer it would have been at least .12 or higher. I was drinking three screwdrivers an hour with an occasional shot thrown in for good measure.

Jabber's idea of himself being VERY drunk really isn't very drunk. He's not much of a drinker. It was, however, the drunkest I've ever seen him. He didn't get past two hours or so. Then I drove him to Steak N Shake for late night munchies. He was a hoot!

He'd have likely raised his skirt that night given half a chance!

 

[Jabberwockey]

Jabber's idea of himself being VERY drunk really isn't very drunk. He's not much of a drinker.

Compared to when I was in the military, no I was barely buzzed! I was, however, DEFINITELY impaired beyond the ability to operate heavy machinery and it wouldn't have taken much more alcohol to start behaving stupidly.

 

[Lil]

I got sidetracked and didn't post what I wanted to! LOL

Lil, you got to lay eyes on him last night, feed him, get his clothes washed, and send him out there again into the world with a second pan of food.

You did your part for your son.

I'm a feeder...I feed people. It's kinda my thing. It was nice to send him home with a pan of his favorite food to share with the guy he's living with. It saddens me that soon I may not have that opportunity, since he may be living nowhere at all.

My daughter was so proud to show me her paycheck the last time I saw her. It wasn't much, working at McDonald's, but to her - it was everything.

I've never seen a paycheck from any time my son worked...few as that's been. I wonder sometime if he feels any pride about anything.

I told Jabber last night, the hardest part of having our son is just not understanding him. How can you be so ... apathetic ... toward your life that you just don't DO anything to fix it?

*Don't look for/get/hold a job - even though you know that if you can't pay rent anywhere you might sleep on the streets.

*Don't go to Job Corps even though you know that in 8 months of all-expenses-paid living you'd be able to have your degree and get job placement assistance.

*Don't wash windows for 40 hours, even though you may end up in jail because you didn't do something that simple.

*Don't apply for the free government phone, even though it'll be better than the one you currently have, which will be turned OFF in 15 days! Even though there's a computer IN YOUR LAP that already has the application pulled up and ready to fill in!

How is anyone that much of a slug? How did we raise a person like that?

I said that last night and Jabber said, "We didn't." But we DID. He's our son. We raised him. So HOW did he turn out like this? Because it WASN'T how we raised him to be!

I would do anything to understand that. To understand the why of it.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I hate to say it and I know you say he is not on drugs, but that is EXACTLY how my daughter behaved when she was on drugs. I remember being just as bewildered as you are now. Night and day difference now...

 

[InsaneCdn]

PG - I think Lil's boy has been this way for a long time, like back when he was too young for drugs to even be a possibility. He didn't just one day "become" this. Which is the major difference between kids with substance abuse issues, and kids with developmental/mental health issues - the first group, it's usually like a "switch", whereas the second group is either always there or a slower decline.

WHY is he that way? Well... given that you're not likely to get him in for testing, you don't really know what you are dealing with. He likely has thinking impairments, probably doesn't process input information the same way, and so on. He just IS different. Somehow, he has to figure out how to find his own niche and survive.

 

[pasajes4]

If he is smoking weed, it is a motivation killer. Why apply for a job if you know you will fail the drug test? I am not saying that he is using.

 

[Jabberwockey]

If he is smoking weed, it is a motivation killer. Why apply for a job if you know you will fail the drug test? I am not saying that he is using.

Oh, we know he very much enjoys his herb and has been known to switch to synthetic when he either cant get pot or needs to pass the urinalysis. Just don't think he is into anything heavier because, like Insane said, he has been this way for a long time.

 

[Lil]

You know, I almost wish I did believe it was drugs. That would be a reason. Jabber, I believe, thinks some drugs are involved, but I really just don't know given that he has now, three times, passed drug tests for jobs. Yes...not everything shows up. But I don't think there's a "problem" with drugs. The summer before he left for college - sure. He was getting stoned 4-5 times a week. Now? I really don't think so, but I'm not there. Still, last night he was sober as a judge and he could have applied for the damn phone and didn't! 5 minutes - that's all it would have taken!

If it's "just him" - I still don't know. I understand lack of social skills. I understand anxiety in new situations. But this is just laziness and lack of any motivation. It's being indifferent to your whole LIFE unless there's an immediate need. Like an child; he cries when he's cold and hungry, but doesn't bundle up or feed himself.

He's TWENTY years old...a grown MAN!

It just...truly...troubles me that he's so lazy. It's not even laziness...it's just a lack of concern in general.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

PG - I think Lil's boy has been this way for a long time, like back when he was too young for drugs to even be a possibility. He didn't just one day "become" this. Which is the major difference between kids with substance abuse issues, and kids with developmental/mental health issues - the first group, it's usually like a "switch", whereas the second group is either always there or a slower decline.

Good point...

 

[Lil]

like Insane said, he has been this way for a long time

True. It was little things when he was younger. Not doing chores even though he knew he'd get in trouble for it. Being late even though he knew he'd get grounded for it. Not doing homework, or doing homework, but not turning it in! -That one was a struggle from grade school clear through graduation! He got two D-'s on his last grade card in high school for not doing the class work. One he got enough caught up to raise from an F to a D-, the other the teacher just gave him the D- because he had A's and high B's on every test - so he clearly knew the subject - but he'd not turned in any homework! Even the car...he'd been told, "get a job and pay the insurance and we'll give you the car when you turn 18" - wouldn't get a job...for a FREE CAR! I mean, come-on!

(by the way - It's time we sold the car Jabber - I'm ready. Except then what'll we do when we need to tow something?)

I had to drag him shopping for school clothes. I had to drag him shopping for college dorm room supplies. I had to drag him ... everywhere ... to prepare for life. Really, he's pretty much never shown any interest in becoming an independent person. He's just gotten too heavy to drag anymore.

 

[in a daze]

My son was like that .Zero motivation. His uncle, who he has a great relationship with, kept on him about applying for his present job.

The motivation is somewhat better now since he's been titratrng to a new medication. If your son would only agree to some testing and therapy. So frustrating for u guys.

Although the latest thing was he was calling off work because he can't sleep lately but he says he's trying to turn it around.Always something. (sigh)

 

[InsaneCdn]

I understand lack of social skills. I understand anxiety in new situations. But this is just laziness and lack of any motivation

How about...
- immaturity - kids with developmental differences, even as mild as ADHD, are known to mature later
- what did he really learn at school? I'm NOT talking about passing classes.

School taught MY kid many things, like you can't trust adults, it doesn't matter how you get the answer as long as it is right, if you push back hard enough then you won't have to do it, and so on. Teachers do not believe they are "teaching" this stuff, but in so many ways, they do. Especially kids who don't fit nice neat little diagnostic boxes (if you're a Down's Syndrome kid, they know what to do with you).

You were raising him one way. Real life was contradicting everything you were trying to teach. You end up with a confused kid who isn't motivated because putting in effort hasn't really worked (at least not consistently) before.

Not saying your kid is exactly like mine but... It took a LONG time to get some of this through the kid's Dad's head.