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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 650862" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>After my divorce, my difficult child was an older teen like your daughter. Plus I had an eight year old and didn't want her to have to experience my possible parade of men before or if I ever met Mr. Right. I didn't date for a while either, but once I did, it was never involving my kids. I sort of saw them when I could and not at my home. I was well aware that Difficult Child was going to scare men away and also that I could have a relationship without living with somebody. I really just wanted to date. I did not really do much to meet men except place anonymous ads in newspapers, which was as close to online dating as possible at the time, but I liked it. I could use a voice message as well as my paper message to explain "I don't drink so no heavy drinkers or drug users and no smokers, please." I got an amazing response (something like 100 letters), but finding good men was a challenge.</p><p></p><p>I found that, in my opinion, most of the men I met had problems of t heir own and baggage of their own, including kids, and I was very careful and logical about what I'd take on. I had some dumb rules...lol. They had to have been married at least once so that I know they are capable of a commitment, but they could not be married more than once. That left me with a lot of once divorced men!!!! No drinkers or drug users. Being able to say that really helped eliminate the alcoholics and drug abusers as I said that even pot was a turn off. My now husband wrote me a very sweet letter, but I didn't connect with him right away and then I lost his letter. Luckily, I had called and let my number so a few weeks later he called me back.</p><p></p><p>We went slow and I had to decide if I could deal with having money problems as he did not make a lot of money. I decided he was well worth that and I'm glad I made that choice. We have never lived high on the hog, but he has been a great father and husband and money can not replace all the extra time he put in with our two adopted kids (another prerequisite I had was that the man was interested in adopting children). Hubby also was married before, but had no kids so I considered that a plus. He did not move in with us until we had seen each other for three years, mostly every other weekend and marathon late night phone calls when people used the phone. I think us getting to know one another more slowly and really well helped. Anyway, we married shortly after he moved in, so there was never a parade of men, which I think was best for my particular kids.</p><p></p><p>Maybe you are going too fast and exposing your kids and your boyfriends too each other too soon. Difficult Child will be gone soon and it will be easier. I always felt that our kids did not want to see us dating or go through a number of relationships. Let's face it. Kids are not excited by the thought of their parents sleeping with boyfriends. The older ones know we may, but they don't like to think about it. Even my adult children don't ever ask me about my sex life...lol.</p><p></p><p>I would sit down and write a list of acceptable and not acceptable traits and stick to it. Write down red flags. I would not date a serial husband or one who used to abuse drugs/alcohol. We can't save them or fix them. All we'll get is more grief. Who needs that? I did learn from my first marriage...I learned I did not want another marriage as bad as that one, although he did not hit me or use drugs. He was verbally hurtful and that was bad enough. It was pretty extreme.</p><p></p><p>If I couldn't find a nice, stable man without a lot of baggage, I was in no rush to ever have another relationship. My biggest issue is I wanted to adopt more kids, and you had to be married for that at the time. So I did marry Mr. Right and we have now been together twenty wonderful years and have two of the neatest adult kids in history. So it worked, but I put a lot of thought into it. I did not just run with my emotions and did not go fast.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if this helped or not...lol. Just sharing how I did it. That ensured that Difficult Child was not overexposed to men and that they were not exposed to him. He was not their child. They didn't need to take care of him or deal with him. I felt that it was up to me and my ex. And I couldn't see blending a family. I personally feel that a blended family is not something I wanted to do. I think another person's kids moving in with your own kids makes it twice as hard to work and I do think it causes resentment. I selfishly put my kids before "his" kids, so to speak <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 650862, member: 1550"] After my divorce, my difficult child was an older teen like your daughter. Plus I had an eight year old and didn't want her to have to experience my possible parade of men before or if I ever met Mr. Right. I didn't date for a while either, but once I did, it was never involving my kids. I sort of saw them when I could and not at my home. I was well aware that Difficult Child was going to scare men away and also that I could have a relationship without living with somebody. I really just wanted to date. I did not really do much to meet men except place anonymous ads in newspapers, which was as close to online dating as possible at the time, but I liked it. I could use a voice message as well as my paper message to explain "I don't drink so no heavy drinkers or drug users and no smokers, please." I got an amazing response (something like 100 letters), but finding good men was a challenge. I found that, in my opinion, most of the men I met had problems of t heir own and baggage of their own, including kids, and I was very careful and logical about what I'd take on. I had some dumb rules...lol. They had to have been married at least once so that I know they are capable of a commitment, but they could not be married more than once. That left me with a lot of once divorced men!!!! No drinkers or drug users. Being able to say that really helped eliminate the alcoholics and drug abusers as I said that even pot was a turn off. My now husband wrote me a very sweet letter, but I didn't connect with him right away and then I lost his letter. Luckily, I had called and let my number so a few weeks later he called me back. We went slow and I had to decide if I could deal with having money problems as he did not make a lot of money. I decided he was well worth that and I'm glad I made that choice. We have never lived high on the hog, but he has been a great father and husband and money can not replace all the extra time he put in with our two adopted kids (another prerequisite I had was that the man was interested in adopting children). Hubby also was married before, but had no kids so I considered that a plus. He did not move in with us until we had seen each other for three years, mostly every other weekend and marathon late night phone calls when people used the phone. I think us getting to know one another more slowly and really well helped. Anyway, we married shortly after he moved in, so there was never a parade of men, which I think was best for my particular kids. Maybe you are going too fast and exposing your kids and your boyfriends too each other too soon. Difficult Child will be gone soon and it will be easier. I always felt that our kids did not want to see us dating or go through a number of relationships. Let's face it. Kids are not excited by the thought of their parents sleeping with boyfriends. The older ones know we may, but they don't like to think about it. Even my adult children don't ever ask me about my sex life...lol. I would sit down and write a list of acceptable and not acceptable traits and stick to it. Write down red flags. I would not date a serial husband or one who used to abuse drugs/alcohol. We can't save them or fix them. All we'll get is more grief. Who needs that? I did learn from my first marriage...I learned I did not want another marriage as bad as that one, although he did not hit me or use drugs. He was verbally hurtful and that was bad enough. It was pretty extreme. If I couldn't find a nice, stable man without a lot of baggage, I was in no rush to ever have another relationship. My biggest issue is I wanted to adopt more kids, and you had to be married for that at the time. So I did marry Mr. Right and we have now been together twenty wonderful years and have two of the neatest adult kids in history. So it worked, but I put a lot of thought into it. I did not just run with my emotions and did not go fast. I don't know if this helped or not...lol. Just sharing how I did it. That ensured that Difficult Child was not overexposed to men and that they were not exposed to him. He was not their child. They didn't need to take care of him or deal with him. I felt that it was up to me and my ex. And I couldn't see blending a family. I personally feel that a blended family is not something I wanted to do. I think another person's kids moving in with your own kids makes it twice as hard to work and I do think it causes resentment. I selfishly put my kids before "his" kids, so to speak ;) [/QUOTE]
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