Long morning

[AmericanGirl]

Long morning here. I just got home and I'm opting to type instead of crawling in bed and crying.

Talked to difficult child's advisor. He has a 60% in a class where he needs 70% to pass. If he misses even one more time, he fails. This, of course, is different from what he tells me. He is likely headed for 2 As (online classes where I tutor him) and 2 Fs (regular ones).

Went to see the attorney. He is setting up a revocable trust which can benefit difficult child after my death, but only if he meets certain criteria. It was sad because part of the documents will say I believe he is incapacitated (or something like that). But the truth is sad sometimes.

Then to Al-anon...bless them.

And to the insurance agent per attorney's instructions to buy an umbrella policy. Which I cannot do, because of difficult child's pending DUI charge which shows up in their database. Both the attorney and my agent have advised me to get him off my policy as soon as he turns 19 (age of majority here) and never let him drive a car with my name on the title. The agent was allowed to increase my limits on auto coverage. I'm afraid difficult child will have a wreck with someone else's car and I'll be sued. So, I feel somewhat less at risk.

Just now, I realized something. I'm sad because of what he is doing to himself. Where am I in all this? Don't I matter? Part of me thinks I should be angry but then I say, it is a disease, and maybe I shouldn't be angry. But some of me is that I am doing what is right and trying to provide him with a college education, yet I had to go spend a small fortune today to protect both me and difficult child from difficult child.

It's all so complicated.

Going to tell difficult child tomorrow that he cannot go to school this summer unless he gets a job and takes care of his pending legal issues. That means he cannot stay here and I won't give him cash. There is some 'friend' who recently inherited about $22K. The boy is 19, never had a driver's license and is somewhat mentally challenged. difficult child talked him into renting a trailer near the school. I figure he will move in there - until the money is gone and then - who knows.

The attorney told me not to worry about an eviction process. Just tell him.

I feel better...thanks for reading.

 

[buddy]

AG, that is really a lot to face in one day. I would be crawling up to turn off my brain for a while too. It is sad to face some of the realities of our kids lives. It is very smart that you are doing all of this and eventually, I hope it is a relief to have some tasks off your check list. My thoughts and hugs to you and prayers that difficult child will some day see the light. In the mean time you are doing what you need to do for yourself and for him. He is blessed to have a mom who cares so deeply.

 

[Zardo]

Just sending some support your way - you didn't cauase it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.....but you can take care of yourself. Wishing you peace.

 

[Nancy]

You are getting good advice and taking all the necessary precautions. It is a shame we have to protect ourselves from our difficult children and also try to protect their future. We did get an umbrella policy because we couldn't risk difficult child getting into an accident and being sued. The only reason she didn't have a dui on her record was because we had taken her car away because we found a bottle of rum in it and we didn't let her drive for two years.

I don't know what else you can do for him. He's got to start doing something for himself to get out of the mess he's made for himself. But you've done a great job in trying to cover all the bases.

Nancy

 

[Tiredof33]

It's so hard to go through this alone - I did too. The one thing I still laugh about with my difficult child is his driving record. I did not let him get a license until he was old enough to get it without my signature, and his friends always wanted to drive so he had ways to get around.

With all of the trouble and jail time his driver's license states safe driver lol - go figure!

I have also though of having my insurance changed - I know he will go through it very fast. I hope your day got better!

 

[AmericanGirl]

Tired....lol about the safe driver. I have one for you. My difficult child fails only the classes where thy don't give Fs. If you don't have 70%, you get an NC. These dont change your GPA. The rest? He has As...therefore a 4.0.

You just gotta shake your head and laugh sometimes.

 

[exhausted]

A big hug to you.

 

[Kathy813]

I think it is great that you are being proactive. Good job.

~Kathy

 

[Signorina]

Gosh, AG - if our boys put half as much thought into school as they they do into working around the system - they would be Doogie Howsers!

First thing we did after difficult child left was to remove him from our vehicle insurance policy. We hadn't let him drive our vehicles since he had left in Sept - but we kept him on the policy in hopes for the future. When he left "for keeps" in January, we took him off. His girlfriend has a car in the college town which I know she lets him drive. I've been told that "insurance follows the driver and not the car" - and I didn't want even a hint of liability should he get into an accident with her or another friends car.

It's so clear that they are complicating their lives unnecessarily. I long for the day when the fog will lift and they will see how much they gave away for drugs. {{{hugs}}}

 

[AmericanGirl]

Sig, I know! It would be SOOOOO much easier just to play the game than to fight the system.

My agent told me today that the insurance follows the car (may be a state difference) but if difficult child drove someone else's car (even with permission) and had a wreck that I could be sued.

When the dust settles, I intend to write state legislators (and pin one down who lives locally) and ask them what the heck they were thinking - at 18 you are an adult and your parents have zero control YET - they are still liable and you cannot open a bank account, borrow money or own a vehicle.

 

[Signorina]

I know AG - the inconsistencies in the law make me NUTS. Just filled out the FAFSA (federal student aid form) for PC17 - because he is being considered for a scholarship & it requires a FAFSA be on file even though it isn't a need based scholarship. Anyway - it asks for such detailed, practically intimate financial information FROM THE PARENTS and it's required even if the student is 100% self supporting with very few exceptions until the "child" is 25!! (exceptions are being married, having dependents, being formally emancipated by the courts or well documented cases of child abuse)

Now, I was happy to do it for easy child and we were not planning to use financial add. Nonetheless, I just about choked when I saw our "expected financial contribution" to our easy child's education. Makes me wonder HOW THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT can "EXPECT" the parents to contribute huge sums yet at the same time THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT gives these same parents absolutely NO RIGHTS to access ANY SCHOLASTIC INFORMATION ABOUT these same kids/adults???

So until he's 25, I am expected to contribute to his education, at age 27 he is a dependent for health insurance purposes but at age 18 (or 19 for you) I have absolutely no rights as far as he is concerned...TOTALLY CONTRADICTORY

 

[AmericanGirl]

I hear ya Sig....

At difficult child's college, I needed to get one form signed so I can talk to the bursar - another so I can talk to financial aid and a third so I can talk to his advisor. Why can't they just make ONE stupid form? Good thing is if I hit difficult child at the right moment, he will sign anything.

Eureka! You just gave me a really good idea. If difficult child gets his act together, I intend to get the attorney to write up a power of attorney (including a specific clause about educational records) as well as a medical directive and have difficult child go sign. If he slips, then I'm in a better position to know the truth and to help him. Thanks!!

 

[pinevalley]

AG: That sure was a lot to handle in one day. I'm amazed at how strong you are to deal with all the mess caused by your difficult child all by yourself. Your son is lucky to have such a supportive mother. Hopefully someday he will realize this... HUGS.