Long time no post, back with update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HereWeGoAgain, Mar 26, 2009.

  1. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Hi everybody. It’s been six months and a lot has happened since I was last posting.

    Let’s see – I lost my job, and we decided to move back to our home town at the end of January. Our little 14yo dog wandered away from the new house two days after we arrived and has not been seen since. The little guy ranks up there with wife and easy child 1 in my heart and it has been very hard. :sad:

    Last September I posted about difficult child nearly dying. She had quit taking her thyroid and psychiatric medications, was using, drinking, eating poorly, purging, and gobbling antacid tablets by the dozens -- was taken to the ER after vomiting all day. Her potassium level had dropped to near zero while her calcium level went through the roof, causing her kidneys to nearly shut down. However, they managed to stabilize her just before it became necessary to do dialysis.

    A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then. In short, difficult child heard from her bio-dad after nearly twenty years of no contact. They hatched a plan for her to go down and live with him. difficult child got established in an outbuilding at his place and got a job waitressing. A lot of tension built up between difficult child and bio dad's wife, and at the end of February difficult child moved out to stay with her assistant manager from the restaurant.

    March 10th difficult child went into the hospital with a repeat of the September episode, only not as severe this time. The restaurant fired her for missing work but relented and let her come back to work on Friday the 13th. She stole money from the register and went out on a methamphetamine and alcohol bender for several days. By Thursday she was strung out and in very bad shape. She called wife and told her she had a bed lined up at a rehab in our town (about 40 miles from her bio dad’s town) if she could just get here. On the strength of her word, I got her and drove her to the ER for detox, and waited with her until they saw her at 2 a.m. Friday.

    A few minutes after I got home, I got a call from difficult child, crying hysterically, wanting to be picked up and brought to our house. The hospital would not admit her, and the rehab bed was fiction. I went and got her, but would not bring her home.

    difficult child was not able to explain what they’d told her at the hospital. She would start raging and cursing in response to any questions. I spoke to the nurse and found out she had been referred to a behavioral health center which is open around the clock. We went there and after a short wait a staffer came out and told us basically to get lost. difficult child was somewhat calmed down, or maybe just exhausted, by this time – about 4 a.m. I took her to a motel, got her checked in, and promised to call before check-out time.

    After getting some sleep I called the behavioral health center back -- they were very surprised we had been turned away and told me to bring difficult child back and they would do an evaluation.

    When I got to the motel the police and an ambulance pulled up at the same time. difficult child had called another hospital, and they had called the police, emergency medical services, and an organization here which helps people who are undergoing a “psychiatric emergency”. A team from this organization showed up a few minutes later. They were awesome. They had a great rapport built up with the police and emergency medical service, who were just great, too – caring, compassionate, and highly competent at dealing with situations like this. The seven of us decided that I should take difficult child back to the behavioral health center followed by the psychiatric emergency team, who would explain things to the behavioral health center staff. difficult child was admitted to the crisis care unit and is still there, working on placement in an inpatient program for co-occurring mental health/substance abuse.

    Most places she’s called have a waiting list. difficult child has been calling here constantly trying to wear me down to let her come here to wait to get into a program, and wife is only half on board (if that) with not letting her come here. difficult child thinks it’s our job to take care of her – she says she’s “doing everything she’s supposed to,” as though getting better is something she has to do for us instead of for herself, and we owe her room and board in return. Meanwhile wife and I are in constant conflict with me repeating why she can’t come here and wife wanting to cave and let her every time she calls.

    I wish the durned merry-go-round would quit and let me off for a while.
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2009
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Goodness! So much stress!!!

    I'm so sorry about your beloved fuzzbutt. What a terrible thing. :(

    As for your daughter, it sounds like you did exactly what you needed to do...and she was then forced to make some decisions for herself. I hope this placement is helpful and that they will help her develop a life strategy for herself. Typically there is a step-down program available so you might ask about that if/when they bring you in for family counseling or discharge planning.

    Any luck with your job search?

  3. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    what a lot you have been through since we last heard! I am so sorry about your little dog and losing your job and then difficult child's crises on top of all that! Hope wife doesn't cave, I think you are on the right track. You are so right that if difficult child is saying she is "doing everything she is supposed to" then it sounds like she is doing it for someone else, not herself. I think you are right, she cannot come live with you. I don't see that as helping her help herself. You are very strong!!!!

  4. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    I'll add my 'wows' to the others. What a convoluted road you are on.

    Sorry about your K9 friend. As a fellow dog lover, I can understand the depth of your pain.
    Sometimes dogs really are man's best friends.
  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I too am sorry that your life has taken a detour for now and that you lost your little dog. I hope you and wife can get ont he same page and have an easier time of it when it comes to making the right decisions for both you and your difficult child. Will hold good thoughts for you for a job and effective treatment fot lyour daughter. -RM
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Maybe your moniker should be - I'm stopping NOW instead of Here We Go Again? Could be Karma telling you something????

    Where to begin? WOWWWWWW. Emphasis on OW.

    In order of your posting then -

    I'm terribly sorry about your job, but it sounds like you have a nice place in OK. I don't know how you are dealing with not having an ocean close at hand, but being in OK puts you smack in the middle of going in any direction and hitting at least one. Except North, unless you really get going.

    For the loss of your furchild? How devastating. I know you did everything to find the furkid - so my heart goes out to your family for your loss. My feelings are children with fur that special usually are taken in by kind and loving people.

    With regards to your daughter? What a bloody rollercoaster life. You said merrygo round, carousel - but we're talking 6 Flags over Georgia here. Good grief. I too have a child that is on the brink and teeters when angry about "Biodad - superhero - supervillan?" (super word I can't type here if you ever were to ask me, but no one does because no one likes to hear me scream that word) I just hold my breath - but I know the day is coming when Daddy Dearest - HERO of the universe will rise his ugly head out of the depths of pergatory and after the 7th seal is broken.........maybe difficult child will see what the rest of see and dismiss all genetic relation.

    I can't imagine what has to go on in their heads every day. To live a life that is them. Then add a little cocktail on top of that? (shakes head) just sad. I'm past the prayer of Serenity - I'm full on begging for the prayer of Senility - so it can just go by faster AND I won't know a thing. ;)

    It's really good to see you here again. See what happens when you leave for six months? (just kidding) It sounds though - like maybe she's finally found her bottom or at least gotten a good look at it and decided it's not what she wants. I am very proud of her for going to the hospital and checking in. That took tremendous courage. AT any age, sober or stoned.

    Take care -
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    WOW! I totally missed that you now live in Oklahoma!!! I do too! I was going to send a PM to you about that, but you haven't enable PM's. You can do that through the User CP.

    If you and your wife (or just your wife, or whatever want to get together sometime to meet and share resources (esp if your granddau will need supports in school or docs or whatever, I have a lot of info about psychiatrists, etc... here in OK), well, chances are we could meet for lunch or whatever. Send me a PM and let me know if you are interested.

    Hugs to your wife and granddau. It is a shame that difficult child is still going through all of this after so many years. I hope you and wife can stand strong. Granddau NEEDS this from you both. Her life must feel terribly unsettled when wife is wavering about having difficult child come home. It is a hard thing on a child of a difficult child. I saw what my kids went through with the adult difficult child being my brother. It has to be harder to have it be a parent.

    Just let me know if I can help or y'all want to get together!
  8. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I'm new to this board due to a stepson difficult child (26) who just moved back home and changed the dynamics of life in a significant way that I feel powerless over. I look forward to getting to know you better. Hugs, ML
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader


    Wow, I do remember you telling about the September stint in the hospital. I'm sorry she ended up there again.

    But GIANT hugs and congrats to you for remaining so strong and holding up wife during all this. I hope she gets the help she needs this time around. And I hope that wife comes around and sees things the way you do as well - bringing her home wouldn't help anyone at all!

    I will keep a prayer for you in the job search and all the stuff with wife and difficult child, hang tough. And I'm so sorry for what happened with you furbaby. I know mine are my precious little loves and I too would be devastated to lose one of them. Hugs~
  10. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Thanks everybody for the kind words.

    Well Mister Strong I am not. difficult child is here.

    Let me explain. difficult child was released late yesterday morning from the crisis unit. The mental health services here have been wonderful. The facility difficult child was in is the first one ever to put two and two together and recommend treatment for both personality disorder and substance abuse together as two mutually reinforcing sides of the same overall illness. All the previous treatment centers have been focused only on the substance abuse; the personality disorder has been regarded as secondary – “yeah, she needs to talk to a counselor about those issues, once she gets out”. AA has been good for her when she’s been making meetings but it tends to reinforce the excessive dependency aspect of her personality disorder. She latches on to her sponsor as her new knight in shining armor until something happens and suddenly the sponsor has always disliked her, talks behind her back, etc.

    So anyway, difficult child has a list of half a dozen centers that treat dual diagnosis Axis II (i.e., personality disorders) and substance abuse. None have any beds. They all have waiting lists of up to three months, but her case worker says that it is rare to have to wait over a week or so if one is persistent about calling every place every day. Due to the nature of things, centers have a lot of no-shows and people checking out AMA (against medical advice), so slots open up all the time.

    I was insistent that difficult child find a shelter to stay in. We looked and looked -- oops! not our job! -- but, difficult child tried hard as well. We hoped to locate something for women only rather than the general public, due to the high risk nature of Salvation Army. No luck, they only cater to pregnant women or with women with children and difficult child is/has neither (I must give kudos to difficult child for never deliberately getting pregnant to avail herself of public aid).

    difficult child is behaving herself exceptionally well, as usual at first.

    Myself, I am leaving Sunday for a three-day trip, previously planned, so wife will be taking difficult child on the rounds Monday and Tuesday. We are agreed that it is probably for the best for me to take a little vc.

    So I guess I keep my moniker for now, Star*!
  11. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Well, sounds like you really had no choice at this point but to take her in and hopefully one of the facilities will actually have a bed very soon! I still think you are strong and doing as well as anybody could under the circumstances. It is so great that she will be able to go to a dual diagnosis facility. I am glad more and more people are seeing that you can't treat a mental illness problem and substance abuse problem separately.

    Hope you can recharge a little on your trip and let us know what happens with difficult child!

  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    HWGA, It's good to "see" you. Sorry that the merry go round has spun again bringing you back.

    WOW, indeed.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. That must be devastating.
    As for the job and the move, I'm hoping that something comes up for you soon.

    As for difficult child, gosh! I don't really know what to say. Honestly, I can't fault you or wife for bringing difficult child back home, considering that there truly wasn't anywhere else for her to go. Leaving her to fend for herself under these circumstances...I don't know that any of us have it in our hearts to do, no matter how detached.

    Sending strength and prayers your way that difficult child finds a placement soon, and that you and wife can return to a more peaceful existence.


  13. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Thanks again! Lots of old friends and some new ones have replied and I surely do appreciate the support.

    The trip I had planned is cancelled/postponed due to freakish spring weather: 6" of snow, shattering the record for spring snowfalls in this area. My destination was hit with severe icing so even though the roads had cleared up by midday today here, we felt that discretion was the better part of valor and called it off for now.

    difficult child behaved quite well Saturday and pretty well today but is starting to show signs of "antsiness", as wife calls it. Hopefully she can get in somewhere soon.
  14. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    You really are in a very difficult situation, and I empathise with you and your wife. Sometimes we have no choice, and I understand why your difficult child is back at home now. I hope for you that something comes up soon to take her in and help her get back on an even keel. I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

    Love, Esther
  15. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Sending many hugs. I am so sorry you are in this predicament with difficult child, once again.
    Prayers and strength being sent your way.