Long time no see!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PennyFromTheBlock, Apr 5, 2017.

  1. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    I've been away- trying to take my bits of normalcy as they come and not dwell on it and overthink things.

    I've become overwhelmed and have 'backslid' in my quest to repeat over and over "my son is an adult who makes decisions- his choices, his consequences".

    To recap- my son has a 19 month old son with a girl who is as off the wall as he is - she's just a bit more undercover with it.

    My boy is 24, and like I told him Saturday- you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. If you always do what you've always done- you'll always get what you've always got.

    My current issue is - at what point do I, even with this baby involved, throw my hands up? Thankfully, he and the mother are not together anymore (THANK GOODNESS)- and thankfully, so far, she has committed to not punishing ME for his ignorance. I keep the Gbaby 4 nights a week (from the time I get off work around 5:30 until around 7:20ish the following morning- because she works nights)- my son is paying child support and is on a standard visitation order so he USED to have him every other weekend, but she called CPS on him and right now he can only have supervised visits- and I provide that. This past weekend was the first weekend with that arrangement.

    This month, he needs help with rent. I've helped him the last two months. I'm such a sucker- back to that "maybe if I help this time, he'll get it together". He was so proud of himself when he was able to get his OWN apartment in HIS name (only).

    I'm not willing to sacrifice my involvement with my grandbaby, and walk away from them all.

    However, I found myself in TEARS today as I looked at my bills and tried to see how much I could sacrifice this month. I told him via text (because that's the only way to be heard)- that this was IT. No more. That I'm doing all this to my own detriment.

    I think what honestly bothers me the most is the complete and utter lack of humility and thankfulness. I don't know why I continue to expect him to say "you know mom thank you again for helping, I know I've not been responsible and I'm going to get it together- and if I didn't have you I don't know what I would do" - or something to that effect. He's completely UNAFFECTED when I tell him that this has gotten to a point where I'm at a bottleneck. I can't do this anymore. I've told him- get a second job. You get off everyday around 4 from your job and you can work 5-10 and weekends somewhere to get out of this hole.

    I feel so stupid. STUPID STUPID STUPID. Like a dumb sucker who gets suckered at every turn. I do all I can for them. Both him and her and their baby. This baby is my HEART y'all. I will do for him in any way I can- because I know he needs a place of peace and love and consistency. If not for him, I'd likely have not reconnected with my son after disconnecting in 2014.

    This isn't what I planned, this isn't how I raised him- I go from anger to sadness- he's been an adult for SIX YEARS! six! I just don't get this.
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Penny, I am right there with you. I go from utter despair and depletion...to "back to the drawing board." I do not see this as inconsistency. I see it as a natural consequence of commitment to a result over which I have no control.

    Just as you, I do not see the option of turning my back completely. So I commit to a situation over which I have no real control. There is only love, hope and responsibility. No, I am not responsible for my son, or for his life. But I do feel responsible for being the parent of an adult who has struggled as a child, and struggles as an adult.

    But in our case, I do see change. It is slow. It is not on my terms. I would want more. But my son is changing and he is changing for the better.

    In your case, you are all that baby really has at this point. You know why you are doing this. You are as clear as a bell.

    You are not doing it for the Mom. While your son may be in there to some extent as a motivator, he is on the periphery.

    This is a clear, intentional decision on your part. You have no guarantees. Only hope and love and commitment. You are not doing it for any other reason than this. The idea that your son would be appreciative is neither here nor there. I believe one day he will be able to see it.

    But I know how it feels in down moments. When you wonder, "what's it all about Alfie?"
    (Old movie. Old song. Forgive me.)

    But that is a feeling: you know with all your heart and all your soul, why.

    If your son is anything like my own, you lack leverage. These kids control the game, and they know it. Until there is buy in, you are talking to the wind. I do not know what to tell you. He will do what he decides. I do not know what to tell you about that. Of course he should get a second job. Of course you are extending yourself beyond your capacity. But what can you do? I cannot think of anything. Maybe somebody can, but I cannot.

    I am thinking here about Tishthedish. About 18 months ago her 4 year old autistic grandson was seized by CPS when he ran into a highway naked. The mother was arrested I think for child endangerment. The son I believe had substance issues, but is a loving father. The parents lost their rights, at least temporarily. Tish and her husband stepped in for the year. She did not know if her son would step up, or not. Her grandson faced adoption by another family. It was heartbreaking and terrifying for her. She was over her head. She barely posted.

    It worked out. The father regained custody and the mother is now in substance abuse treatment and recovering. The baby is still with family.

    You guys are my heroes.

    I just wanted to say Hi. I have no advice to give. But I send hugs and my admiration.