Look a Butterfl....OH that's shiney....Can I get an order of......Oh butterfly again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Feb 16, 2012.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I wanted to post here because watercooler is for everything that's not related to difficult child, and this I don't know if it's related to PTSD, or YEARS of PTSD, or recent severe stress....(deep exhale). Since we're all oldhat at LOADS and LOADS of stress as parents who have been there done that and have lots of experience dealing with teens, post teens, lots of kaka....I thought - well I'm going to post this here for some words of wisdome. Not that I don't think other parents don't have great advice, but I really wanted to hear from others who have older kids, gone through the trenches and get your opinions.

    First off - I can deal with a LOT. And when I tell you I can deal with a LOT - I mean it. If I gave you a day in the life of? Most people literally just sit gobsmacked and then I take a finger and shut their jaw and I'm smiling, laughing and state some happy smiling thing like- I'm lucky that's all I have today. I mean that. I've been through so very much in my life - and come out the better for it. That said - Lately? I can't get my mess together if I put it in a bucket and labled it. I've been calling my brain "Fritz" - It's like I literally have adult ADHD - I'm scattered. I can't concentrate. I'm not sleeping bad - but it's a whole lot less. I'd rather be working myself literally to the bone than anything else - Im happier when I'm working like that. I have lost interest in EVERYTHING. But I'm not depressed. WEird huh?

    I can't carry on a single conversation - but I can carry on like three or four. I'm on Welbutrin.....I see the doctor regular and my sugar is excellent - like 83. I'm telling you me and Fritz are not firing on the same neurons. So I'm thinking - IS this ADHD? I even had a man the other day tell me - WOW you have problems focusing. I couldn't disagree. My mind races like ----about fifty things..even while I'm typing it can think about 20 things...lol....Give it good....rofl. Okay - but seriously ------(see other post) So whaddya think about ole Fritz and me? Time for some RItalin or time for me and Fritz to hop a boxcar down a long track to nowhweresville - and sing like a parrothead?

    I asked DF today if he thought you could actually crack up from trying to NOT let things get to you.....hhahaha - then? I was distracted by a shiny thing and never heard a word he said. OMG I need a Fritz transplant.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Could be ADHD. Multi conversation things could also be a processing disorder thingy. Multiple tracks going on upstairs is common in gifted folks as well. Could also be related to the Wellbutrin.
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    Have you always been like this? If so, then yeah, it could be ADHD. However, if this is new, then it's something else.

    Not necessarily. Just because you are not actively sad or depressed does not mean that your body is not in *depression*. You seem like you've always looked at the bright side, or taught yourself to look at the bright side - to a fault. While generally this is good, it can go to an extreme and not allow you to process negative emotions that really need to be processed. I"m not saying that you have to put every difficulty you have under a microscope and process every negative emotion, but there has to be some sort of (even very general) outlet for all those negative emotions. There's a reason many women like those weepy Lifetime movies - it's an excuse for a good cry, or at least a good tearing up without having to deal with their own emotions. When's the last time you had a cleansing cry? Because yes, crying, for any reason, cleanses the soul.

    You are also a religious person, so I'm guessing you pray on a regular basis. Do you get into deep meditative prayer? Like really deep where it's like you're in a trance? Prayer is just one way to get there. You can also try relaxation tapes - same concept, just secular.

    Working is great. Working can be very therapeutic, but it can also be a means of escape (workaholics). Unfortunately you are currently dealing with a lot of ugliness in the place that brings you the most joy - work. As calm and gracious and forgiving as you are, this is still a HUGE conflict. You are working your sweet patootie off trying not to let it get the best of you, but you have to release the negative energy somewhere. Venting on the board is good, but possibly not enough. Find outlets for it. Prayer, meditation, yoga. Lifetime movies and Hallmark commercials. Need to physically vent? Try a kickboxing class or a baseball bat in a junk yard.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    hMMMMMMMMMMM KEISTA - THE BALL BAT IN THE BACK YARD IS AN EXCELLENT IDEA. I'd like to say that I haven't cried in a while but that would be a lie. I don't LIKE to cry - but it's been pretty recent. Monday actually. Lots of loss recently - and I think I hit a really sad LMN movie. But mostly about loss. I have not always looked at the bright side. Trust me when I was married my life was a living hell. I was sad, depressed, argumentative, miserable, wanted to die most days, sadder than sad, cried like the saddest mournful deep cries.....and I swore after I left that I would never be like that every day again. And I've done pretty good not to be. Not that Dude didn't do a number on us for a long time either - but pulling it together has been a challenge and then some. So I'm proud of a good attitude, not a pollyanna attitude. A forgiving sense, but one that comes out of it - smarter, not a ninny. LIke the woman at work - while I feel sorry for her, and will pray for her? I won't ever trust a snake again. Put a rattlesnake in your jacket and you can't expect NOT to get killed. Know what I mean??
    The thing you said about loving work and it not being a great place makes PERFECT sense. It's taken the chi out of my zen. (or whatever) - Upset my applecart. I also believe in Karma - so while I will pray for the other gal - I do believe she'll have hers handed to her. Of that I can do nothing. I don't wish it - it just happens.

    Processing thing could be an issue to - and I wondered about the welbutrin - I think I'll talk to the doctor next month - maybe there's something out there for that - and I may try ritalin - OMG me on ritalin. WHoppie.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star sweetie...I do think you are depressed even though you dont show it in the average bear way.

    So much has gone on in your life in the past several years that would cripple most people. You just take it in stride. I know you arent as tough as you like to think you are. I do think your brain may be on overload right now and it well deserves to be.

    You know I love you...and Fritzy.
  6. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Star, you know it could just be a result of you running on overload for so long too! I'm one of those who do great in a crisis. I hold up really well and don't fall apart until later when I have time to do it up right! But let a bunch of things be happening at the same time and I just lose it! I feel all fragmented, thoughts flying around everywhere, I can't concentrate, I'm all jittery, and don't sleep worth a darn! Trust me on this one - if I had all the things going on that you've been through, I've be a quivering lump of jelly hiding in the corner!

    Oh look! There's a squirrel!
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2012
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    It could be ADHD, but if this is a new thing, it's probably not. I think (IMVHO) that your brain is spinning as the end result of everything that's been going on with you lately, plus a bit of PTSD, since you mentioned that, and it's providing background noise, so to speak, because it can't deal with one more important thing.

    Hubby (not on Ritalin) is hyperfocused, think someone trying to find the nail that dropped somewhere in the front yard instead of getting another one, and horribly disorganized. Did I ever mention how I wanted to kill him the day we bought his car? It took him TWO HOURS to clean out his car at the dealership. His hyperfocus and disorganization nearly did him in that day. Miss KT (not on medications) is LOUD and scattered, and looking for a fight.

    Don't know if I helped any, dear Star, but I hope I did. Sending many calming hugs.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It could be good old fashioned stress. I think that for people like us with PTSD, we're used to dealing with the stress that are our usual triggers. We can recognize these symptoms in ourselves when one of the usual difficult child or Ex or whatever issues rear their ugly heads. But new stressors can be confusing. We think that we are wonderful at dealing with everything in our lives that isn't difficult child or Ex or whatever, when in fact the truth is that we're human. The same stuff that stresses everyone else out stresses us out too.

    You have had so many changes in your life the past year, and there's someone who is yanking your chain. It's similar to what you went through with Dude, but Dude isn't a part of it. You're just not used to it happening without him. Things will work themselves out, they always do. In the meantime you need to fall back on the things that helped you through with Dude. Work, chores, books, whatever it was. And getting together with Mr. & Mrs. Witzend next weekend, of course...
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Starbie... as an adult-diagnosed real-life ADHD sample? Unless you can trace these traits back to childhood, it is NOT this wonderful thing called ADHD.

    Stress. Overload. Burnout. These are more likely.
    (I happen to have those on TOP of the ADHD... seriously. Stims don't even cut it any more)

    And when you have long-term stress/overload/burnout? at some level, you end up with brain chemistry out of order. So it's kind of like depression - might even get that for a diagnosis - but it would be secondary depression - you ended up there not because you are predisposed to go there, but because of what you've been through.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello Star. I am sorry you are feeling this way, I am sending you peaceful and calming thoughts. I think you've received some good input from everyone here, as usual, we all know how you feel. Me? I am 62 years old and like you, I have had a challenging life of many trying times. I have had to do a lot of healing, emotionally, physically and mentally, and as someone who has for the most part, put everyone else's needs first, taking care of me has been a challenge, but one I have been committed to learn. I have had to put a lot of energy in to my own healing as a result of so much trauma. I identify with all that you are saying.

    OK, I'll try to put all of my thoughts about your situation in some clear form here. I believe that when we are constantly in the fight or flight state, which goes along with chronic stress, we overwork our adrenals. When my son-in-law committed suicide and my daughter and the three children looked to me to keep everyone sane, I was in overdrive for a couple of years. After that I experienced a loss of energy unlike anything I had ever gone through. I later learned it was "adrenal fatigue." I essentially blew out my adrenals with stress and getting off the couch to get the mail was a huge issue. You may have that. I took a lot of supplements to get better. Here is a website of women Doctors who specialize in menopause and women's issues related to stress: http://www.womenshealthnetwork.com/ I went on their program to calm myself down and it helped.

    I regularly see an acupuncturist. I don't know if this is something you would consider, that's your call. But it helps me in many ways, most of which is calming me down on the inside, keeping those stress levels WAY down. I've gone for over 15 years on a fairly continuing basis, it really helps me.

    I don't know how old you are but if you are of an age where peri-menopause could be an issue, that can reek havoc in one's system like crazy. (you can start peri-menopause in your early 40s!) And, having trouble thinking is definitely one of the symptoms. My brain took a 2 year vacation when I was about 50 and my friends went through it too in varying degrees, so you might consider that. And, if you're open to it, the women to women site is very helpful, plus you can call them and talk to someone about your symptoms and they alter the supplements to suit your needs.

    I tend to be someone who will look for alternative, holistic answers rather then a quick fix with drugs, hence my journey had been slower, but over time I am feeling very healthy in all ways.

    As another warrior mentioned too, grieving is essential. A medical Doctor I had many years ago said something I never forgot, he said, "the body never forgets." Meaning we go through so much and believe it "went away" but the feelings are stored somewhere inside, creating issues, and they need to be expressed in some manner. I am a big believer in therapy and having grown up with so much mental illness in my family, I really couldn't wait to grow up and put myself in therapy, it was quite clear to me that I was not in any kind of normal life. I've had 19 years of therapy over 40 years and I'm still in it now. Grief is a difficult challenge in our culture because people judge it and tell you to "get over it." But, I believe you can't get over it until you feel it. I once went to a support group where I didn't know a soul and I said, "Hi my name is***** and then I broke down and cried for the entire group. Big gulping sobs. Yikes. I sat in the car after the group and thought, "ok, I am in much worse shape then I thought I was." And that precipitated about a year or two of lots and lots of crying, crying over things that happened when I was a kid!!!! Man, I had a lot of grief inside. Someone told me once that the level of joy you have is equal to the tears you've shed, and I know that's true because as I let the grief out, my level of real joy increased dramatically. I mean the joy inside that bubbles up, not because I have a new car or I lost weight (although that's very cool!) but just because today I'm above ground and being grateful for just being.

    I also meditate as often as I can, not regularly, but it helps. As someone else mentioned, yoga helps and we walk 3-4 miles each day which is monumentally helpful to clear the mind, calm the body and let me rest at night. I am a believer in the mind/body connection, so I work on it from all levels. Sometimes I have to laugh, I went from someone who could hardly give my own self the time of day, to someone who puts enormous time into "me maintenance" perhaps because of ignoring my needs for so long I have to nourish them much more now.

    I think self care, for me, has been the way to heal. As I turned my life towards myself I made better choices which took care of me. You have a supportive, loving fiancee and a son who turned his life around because of your love, that says a lot about your own love of yourself. You've survived enormous challenges and come out the other side a compassionate, wise and funny woman with a lot to give to others. I wonder if when you look in the mirror, you are able to see the beauty and wisdom and wonder of who you really are. I believe that is often the price we pay as women who care so much for others, we forget that we also deserve our love and attention. In my heart and given the age I've managed to actually live to, I believe my greatest challenge has been to love myself as much as I love everyone else and to care for myself on every level. That may sound simple, but it is not, it is quite difficult.

    I may be totally off base here, and forgive me my rantings if I am, you may indeed have some anomaly which I have no idea about. My response is from my heart in reaction to your words from my own experience. In any case, I hope you find peace and that your mind calms down. You've done an astonishing job of working your life out, I would say spend some time telling yourself that. God bless you and your family. Big giant hugs coming at you.............
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2012
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think it could be welbutrin, stress, depression, or something else. How is your blood pressure? One thing that helps when my mind won't stop racing is to write down the stuff that is racing around. THat way I am SURE that my brain (Fritz's pet gerbil) won't forget whatever it is. I keep a notebook by the bed, by my spot on the couch and in my purse so that I can empty my brain tank of these ideas. Knowing I won't forget them lets me stop thinking about them and focus on what I need to focus on.

    Meditation also helps.

    Be wary of ritalin. It could help or it could mask other problems. So be SURE your doctor does the blood pressure and heart checks BEFORE you try it.
    This kind of fuzzy brain is also a symptom of fibromyalgia, lupus, several autoimmune disorders, can be a sign of hardening of the arteries (my Gpa did this and a few people tried to say it was adhd but his cardiologist said it was because his arteries were hardening and that was doing something. I have NEVER heard anyone else say that, but I know they told him that. Mostly because I went to the doctor with Gma once and they were talking about it during her visit.

    Whatever is going on, (((((hugs))))).

    If NOTHING else, try to sit and focus on relaxing one part of your body at a time . Tense up that area for ten seconds and then let it relax. Go through the entire body. If you fall asleep - you probably NEED it.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm rather doubtful it's depression. I don't buy into the whole idea of "you're depressed but you just don't know it" deal. And I don't think for a moment you're the type of person to fool yourself about such things. I also am doubtful it's adult adhd. If you've never had adhd behaviors before, you should not be having them now. As in adhd is either a childhood thing you learn to control by adulthood or it's a lifelong thing you never really learn to control.

    If you think it's perhaps something wrong, I'd say maybe it's the welbutrin. Maybe the dose is too high for you now, has it been adjusted since the weight loss? Maybe you've been on it long enough it's built up enough you're seeing some adverse effects. I can't recall off the top of my head if they can do blood levels to see if they're too high, but I'd ask in case they can. If you can, due to the diabetes, see if fam doctor can check your renal function. If your kidney's aren't filtering the way they should be that will muddle your brain like you seriously would NOT believe. And that can be going on with NO other symptoms. So get it checked if possible.

    My guess it a lot of stress, coupled with the job mess, on top of not being able to enjoy your job and work at it the way you'd normally approach something. But I'd have the medication and renal check just to be sure.

    I was diagnosed severe adhd as a kid. I control it just fine and was doing so by at least Jr high. I can talk to you and easily do multiple conversations at once, IF you can do it to. Yet Nichole can also do it just as easily as I can and there is no way she is adhd. My bff could do it too, and she was in no way shape or form adhd. So, there ya go. You don't have to be adhd to be able to have 3 + conversations going on at once. lol

  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    As usual - your posts and replies have given me insight, food for thought, great wisdom - laughter (I mean who else would get a gerbil for Fritz? - I'm running out now to buy him a wheel and a salt lick). The beauty of all the knowledge and age here is that there is probably not one absolute for me. Not vain - I'm just and always have been a little complex. I'm making a list of all the suggestions and when I go in March to the doctor I will bring ALL these very valid points up to her. That is providing I still have a job/insurance.

    Thanks for reminding me of things I hadn't considered, things that YOU personally deal with every day so I could make comparisons, and helping me help myself. It's nice to know after this week - that there really ARE women in the world that give a hang and hang on for you like you would for them. Kinda lost faith this week in that.....

    Much Love -
  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star - I am in the exact same place! And it happened last year at this time, too. I was low on Vitamin D last year, but I take it daily now so I know that is not it this time (and don't believe it fixed everything). I am convinced it is hormones being out of whack.
    I am planning on getting a baseline done when I feel better (assuming I do!) and then having it checked next winter.
  15. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Steely~ I'm deleting that, it's nothing but mean-spirited.
  16. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Star I haven't read through all the responses so forgive me if this has already been mentioned. Stress can cause changes in your thyroid. There are some growths that are benign but can also produce additional throid harmone. Too much thyroid harmone will cause all the symptoms you mention. Have you noticed your heart racing or any other physical symptoms? even if you haven't I would get the thyroid checked out. I have aquired a thyroid condition from all the years of stress I went through.
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Adding vitamin D to my list of needs and Thyroid tests. Thanks so much.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thyroid test and Vit D test would be good. I needed both. I still take both. I had the hardest time getting my doctor to order the D test. I have no idea why and then when I finally did, I have to take 50K units once a week and my calcium had D3 in it too. Duh.
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I haven't noticed the racing heart - but have noticed on occasion what I could call - "moments". Like it felt like too much coffee . I'm supposed to be taking vit. D but forgot. (thanks fritz)

    Anyway - I've got a list and I"m going to see about the additional tests. I do take some medications - so it is time for lab work. I think maybe I'm just Sooooooooooo tired of the drama. Know what I mean??
  20. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Drama whats that? :bigsmile: Getting tests done....Sounds like a plan!