Looking for a treatment facility

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lemonroe, Jan 12, 2011.

  1. lemonroe

    lemonroe New Member

    Hi, all:

    Mom of 17yo daughter (turns 18 in early Sept). Laundry list of issues include:

    - childhood sexual abuse by babysitter's husband (before age 6; therapy)
    - poor choice of friends (drug-dealing 21yo boyfriend; yay!)
    - rejection by bio father at age 14 (he left when she was 3 mos. old; my husband adopted her at age 2)
    - depression (on Zoloft for 1 month)
    - therapy since age 14
    - straight As until she began skipping school; now failing all but 2 classes (grade 11)
    - attends church/youth group 2x/week
    - stolen from us (wedding set, cameras, watches, alcohol) to give to boyfriend/friends for drugs
    - rehab for 1 week (voluntary) after she stole my car/$100 from my bank acct at the end of Sept.
    - Baker Acted after stealing neighbor's car & credit card right before Christmas (neighbor did not press charges, although we asked her to)
    - got upset because she couldn't go to a party (grounded from car-stealing), threw a fit and then attacked my husband (court date today after a night in juvvie)

    We don't feel comfortable having her in the house after this. Usually, she's fairly compliant and follows rules (outside of sneaking out). She is usually pleasant in the house outside of a little bit of attitude regarding chores or discussing school. Last night before she attacked my husband, she yelled something about "burning the house down." We live in Florida and are considering a specific treatment center if we can get her in.

    Thanks so much,
    - L
    Lasted edited by : Jan 12, 2011
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Welcome! I'm glad you found us, but sorry you needed to.

    Our board rules prohibit naming specific facilities publicly. If anyone wants to know the name of the facility you are considering for your daughter, he or she will need to PM (personal message) you to obtain it and then offer feedback.

    Again, welcome.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome. Others here will jump in with-ideas and PM you.

    I am sorry for what you are all going through. Your daughter has had a rough life. She's made some bad choices, too. Seems like she's doing drugs right along with-her boyfriend, judging from her behavior.

    I have a niece who is a bit like this. One thing I would suggest is getting her into a long-term facililty. My sister has only gotten my niece in for a wk or 2 at a time; a mo max. It just isn't long enough.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi and Welcome!

    Wow! Lots going on there! First off, it really sounds like she is using drugs. Has she been drug tested and do you know what all she is abusing? IF she admits to pot or pot and alcohol, chances are she is doing MUCH MUCH more. Esp if she admits it fairly easily. You are going to have to have her agreement to get her into almost every treatment facility - how hard do you think that will be? THe reason for this is that first she is 17, soon to be 18 and the law gives younger and younger kids control over their bodies, esp with regards to psychiatric treatment - in some states at 14 a child can legally refuse to take medication/see doctors/allow parents to have any info about his treatment!! in my opinion this is nonsense because a 14yo is still not nearly ready to understand the long term ramifications of these decisions. Often illegal drugs look a LOT more appealing than psychiatric medications (esp if appropriately prescribed) and the hard work involved in therapy.

    Second, more and more treatment centers are recognizing the futility of trying to treat someone who does not want to be there. Getting clean and staying that way is hard, miserable work. If someone isn't willing to do it, then treatment doesn't ahve a chance. Might as well teach a flea to blog in the minds of some people. I am NOT saying that treatment won't help, not at ALL. I am explaining why she will need to AGREE to it in order to be accepted into a program. Sadly, most programs allow patients to leave at any time, thought they try to talk them out of it.

    You have an uphill battle on your hands. There IS help available. Do you and your husband have a therapist (therapist) who helps you? It is a good idea to see someone because this is an incredibly emotional set of problems. AlAnon and/or NarcAnon would also be incredibly helpful. If you are not attending on a regular basis, consider the goal of 7 in 7. That is a commitment to attend 7 meetings in 7 days - it lets you see the various meetings that are available and find the ones that are the best "fit" for you. Try different times and places if at all possible, because each group is different, though there are similarities, Know what I mean?? Addiction is a family disease - it impairs everyone in the family in some major ways. It is why those with an addicted family member will almost always end up married to an addict or someone with an addicted family member. Your attendance at regular meetings will help your child get and stay sober/clean. It sounds funny and strange, but it is true.

    I also suggest reading "Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic". You can find it at bookstores or order it onlne or from the authors (www.loveandlogic.com). The website has a LOT of free info that is very handy. It isn't something new - it has been used by parents and teachers for a long time. The original authors used this to raise their own kids and some of those kids are now contributing to the work and writing books. I was quite surprised by this - LOTS of common sense, very empowering for parents, and lets you learn to respond very calmly to almost anything (and the calmer YOU are the sooner your child learns to accept the consequences and get with the program.).

    One thing to consider is that she is putting her LIFE in danger with drugs, car stealing and other behaviors. She is doing things that could result in her spending YEARS in jail if charges are pressed, so she needs to learn to face the consequences and the reality of this. Right now she likely thinks that you HAVE TO provide ehr with her lifestyle. You may think this also. In reality, most of our kids have a TON of privileges that we do NOT have to give them. All that you are required to provide is a mattress, pillow and blanket, a light in the room, 7 outfits, 1 pr of shoes, 1 winter coat, hat, gloves, and food. NOT clothes she wants/likes, NOT new clothes/shoes, NOT food she likes, NOT tv, electronic toys, mp3 player, cell phone, computer, internet, not even BOOKS are required. You have EVERY right to go in and strip her room of EVERYTHING except those items listed. You can even take $50 to a thrift store/goodwill and replace her clothes with what YOU want her to wear and get rid of the rest.

    Is she going to LIKE it? NO. Will she explode? Probably. Do you have to listen or give in? NO. She can earn what you want to let her have back with the kind of behavior and choices that you want her to make. She makes good choices, she gets things back - on YOUR terms. She goes and takes her stuff back from you? That is theft - press charges. She goes and hits you? Domestic violence. If the cops have not included DV charges for her attack on your husband, ask the prosecutor why not. It IS domestic violence and it IS illegal.

    L&L has a technique that may be interesting and useful. I will summarize it here, but the book will explain it far better. difficult child is told to clean out the garage. She says No. You let her know when it shoudl be done by. She doesn't do it. You say NOTHING to her. You hire someone to do it. Then tell her that X is cleaning the garage and will need to be paid $Y before he leaves. X finishes and is sent to difficult child to get his $$. Of course she doesn't pay him. You pay and then take her stereo, Wii, cell phone, etc... to the pawn shop. Pawn the items so that you get enough to cover what you paid X. At home, you tell her that since she didn't have the money to pay X, you pawned her Wii and cell phone. here is the ticket so that when you have the money you can get your stuff back. Calmly let her be. If she takes YOUR things (including things you have already taken away from her) to go pawn to get $$ to get her stuff back, then call the cops and report it as stolen. Press charges against her for theft and boyfriend for pawning stolen property as she cannot pawn things until she is 18. (It gives you the bonus of pressing charges against the druggie boyfriend, in my opinion).

    The book explains the details excellently and this really WORKS. You may have to do ti several times, but it WILL get the message across that you are not messing around.

    I am NOT saying to go do this tomorrow, just htis way. I am offering it as a course of action to think about and plan out. Make sure that her Gma won't be able to send her $$, etc... You are probably still on her bank accounts as her legal guardian, so you can go and close them if needed to stop interference like this. With a biofather who is not around, he may not be a problem. If he is the kind to undermine you it may take some extra planning. One of the key points to L&L is to PLAN before you act. Ask for advice on your plan from other parents, friends, therapist, etc... Plug all the holes you can anticipate before you act so that she doesn't have as many ways to wiggle out of it.

    Is the boyfriend as big a problem as he sounds? Have you asked about statutory rape charges? They vary from state to state but if they were together before she was 16 or 17 you may be able to prove this and have him charged. If he is the source of her drugs or they are using together he can be charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor in addition to drug charges. If he is trying to get her to run away, it could be custodial interference. You will need to speak to a lawyer about this, either a DA or private attorney. The cops can be useful but they do not always know the full details of the laws, so it might be more helpful to speak to a lawyer.

    This is a lot of info, and I hope you can find some parts that are helpful. Welcome to our forum and I am so sorry you are going through all of this with her. Has her therapist suggested anything that is helpful?
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I don't remember who, darn it, but one of the CD family members has a site that lists facilities by State. Perhaps it is in the archives? Maybe they'll pop in. All facilities are very very expensive based on my previous explorations. If you are going to need insurance company help to pay then contact your company and ask them for the facilities that are covered.

    Also ask them the parameters of care they have. For example when we sent easy child/difficult child to his first addiction center (which turned out not to be correct choice even though I had gotten recommendations) the insurance company contacted that center every week or two asserting that he should be discharged because he was "now substance free". It was not a detox center...it was suppose to be a treatment center. That caught me off guard. It had never occured to me to check on that aspect before taking him.

    The quality of care available really varies. One thing we learned was that many facilities were predominantly filled with court ordered treatment for teens. Our teen learned a heck of a lot of stuff that I would have preferred he hadn't. His second placement was far better but we still wsh it had been the first. So, take your time and explore and explore. It is not easy finding the right spot. Good luck. DDD
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is highly advisable to use an educational consultant to help you choose a facility. Parents often look first for something close, when that is actually NOT the best predictor of success. finding the right fit between difficult child and program is essential for success (esp long term success). Ed consultants can help you find the right programs and navigate the paperwork and insurance involved. This is a BIG investment with a crucial purpose. the consultant might seem expensive and even frivolous or unneccessary, but that is far from the truth. They can save you many thousands of dollars by helping you find the right program.

    If you want the name of a specific drug treatment program that has facilities in quite a few states and is very reputable (I know quite a few people who attended the facility in OK with very good results - many attended other programs at other times and had excellent things to say about this one), I can PM the name and a link to you. Often it is more desirable to send a child to a program in a completely different area because it helps cut the ties with the druggie friends and influences near home. It is a lot harder to find drugs in an area where you don't know anyone, Know what I mean??