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Substance Abuse
Looking for advice concerning my 13-year-old
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<blockquote data-quote="Calamity Jane" data-source="post: 671941" data-attributes="member: 13882"><p>Hi SadFlower,</p><p></p><p>Your post brought back so many unsettling memories for me. Both my children are adopted, but my son really struggled. He was truly a "model" child, though a bit shy. Very smart & talented, but he never really seemed to attach to any of us. My daughter was available for adoption at 6 weeks old, and my son, due to international snafus, did not join us till he was almost 2 yrs. old. Both children are from the same country, but were given to us at very different ages. So many things come into play, I can't point my finger at just one thing.</p><p></p><p>You're on the right track. I'd suggest you have your daughter evaluated by a psychiatrist who works with adolescents to rule out emerging mental illness. It's just one more thing to check off your list.</p><p>My son, whom I treasured, let loose with such cruel, foul and hateful verbal abuse when I caught him with drugs that I felt like the world had spun off its axis. To this day, even 8 years later, he still can be so verbally vicious and avoids any acceptance that his behavior and choices led to his troubles, that I can't bother summoning the strength to convince him otherwise. My husband spends hours talking to him, my son nods and agrees, then just goes ahead and does what he wants anyway. He is not verbally disrespectful to my husband, but he abuses the gift of my husband's time and concern with no intention of changing. Because he is respectful to him, my husband continues wasting his time. I don't know which is worse. </p><p></p><p>Our children, whether adopted or not, are on their own journey and they must, at some point, take ownership of that. My advice to you is to be prepared to hear more escalating spite and verbal cruelty, and, this is key... don't take it personally. I still reel from the memory when it hits me, and believe me, it's not easier all these years later. The daily sacrifices that go unappreciated and unacknowledged are painful. My son does not know when my birthday is, and has never, ever given me a present, other than the gifts the teacher's made the whole class make when he was in elementary school. Mother's Day, etc., a perfunctory call is occasionally made only because I'm sure my husband badgers him via text to do so. For someone to be like that, they must be hurting terribly themselves, and that's why I encourage you to get professional help for your daughter ASAP. Good professionals with adolescent & adoption experience can cut through the charming facades that our children so often manipulate others with to show nothing is their fault. Once she reaches legal adulthood, you will have few options unless she buys in.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Calamity Jane, post: 671941, member: 13882"] Hi SadFlower, Your post brought back so many unsettling memories for me. Both my children are adopted, but my son really struggled. He was truly a "model" child, though a bit shy. Very smart & talented, but he never really seemed to attach to any of us. My daughter was available for adoption at 6 weeks old, and my son, due to international snafus, did not join us till he was almost 2 yrs. old. Both children are from the same country, but were given to us at very different ages. So many things come into play, I can't point my finger at just one thing. You're on the right track. I'd suggest you have your daughter evaluated by a psychiatrist who works with adolescents to rule out emerging mental illness. It's just one more thing to check off your list. My son, whom I treasured, let loose with such cruel, foul and hateful verbal abuse when I caught him with drugs that I felt like the world had spun off its axis. To this day, even 8 years later, he still can be so verbally vicious and avoids any acceptance that his behavior and choices led to his troubles, that I can't bother summoning the strength to convince him otherwise. My husband spends hours talking to him, my son nods and agrees, then just goes ahead and does what he wants anyway. He is not verbally disrespectful to my husband, but he abuses the gift of my husband's time and concern with no intention of changing. Because he is respectful to him, my husband continues wasting his time. I don't know which is worse. Our children, whether adopted or not, are on their own journey and they must, at some point, take ownership of that. My advice to you is to be prepared to hear more escalating spite and verbal cruelty, and, this is key... don't take it personally. I still reel from the memory when it hits me, and believe me, it's not easier all these years later. The daily sacrifices that go unappreciated and unacknowledged are painful. My son does not know when my birthday is, and has never, ever given me a present, other than the gifts the teacher's made the whole class make when he was in elementary school. Mother's Day, etc., a perfunctory call is occasionally made only because I'm sure my husband badgers him via text to do so. For someone to be like that, they must be hurting terribly themselves, and that's why I encourage you to get professional help for your daughter ASAP. Good professionals with adolescent & adoption experience can cut through the charming facades that our children so often manipulate others with to show nothing is their fault. Once she reaches legal adulthood, you will have few options unless she buys in. [/QUOTE]
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