Looking for advice on holding 19 year old accountable

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dashcat, Nov 28, 2010.

  1. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Argh. difficult child is spending the weekend with me. I was her choice to begin spending every other weekend here after she moved in with-her dad (following a two week adventure in a hotel with a guy she met on the internet).

    She has a new boyfriend .. really nice guy. They are head over heels lovey dovey (I hate pdas!) and they've been together a grand total of two weeks.

    DEX is going away for a week starting Weds and asked if she could stay here. He doesn't want her playing house at his place with B. I said yes and she is about as thrilled as you can imagine. She had PLANS. The thing is,, there's a real double standard with X. He's gone all day and probably five nights per week. She is allowed to have B over and, once when he came home, they were in the bedroom. I would have pitched a fit, but he's not me.

    Three hours ago, she left with B to "go for a walk" on a local trail. She certainly wasn't dressed for walking (it's about 25 degrees here) and it takes - maybe 1.5 hours to walk the trail round trip.

    DEX is at a football game and she knows this. I am pretty darned sure they are at his place.

    And I'm pretty darned sure this will be what happens next week when he's gone.

    I'm not sure what to do. I've set very firm boundaries about my home. He is not to be upstairs in her bedroom. He is never to be here when I'm not home. I know she repects the first rule, but I can't know for sure if he's here when I'm not. I'm pretty sure he isn't.

    SO. I will give her a chance to explain when she comes home, but she lies about pretty much everything.

    I can't set boudaries for HIS house and, even though he's a nice guy, he is a conflict-avoider extrodinarre. I doubt that he'll say anything.

    Do I pretend to believe her? Is it worth confronting her?

    Yes, she is nineteen. But she still lives with daddy. She pays rent (minimal) and works as few hours as she can to meet expenses. I don't want to tell her she can'r come on the weekends, because -usually - we truly enjoy one another's company.

    With difficult child, I make every effort to simply "love what is". Where I run into problems with that is with the lying. Yet I feel like I'm bashing my head against the wall trying to deal with it. I know I can't stop it, but I don't know how to handle situations like this one.

    Sigh. Help...
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank goodness the new boyfriend seems like a nice guy. That is a start.

    You have it right. You can set boundaries in your own home but you really can't at your X's.

    What is your concern about them being over together at his house alone? Sex. Well they probably are having sex and you can't stop that from happening. You have absolutely no control over weather she has sex with boyfriend or not. No matter what your own beliefs are. If they are not at his house they will findn someplace else. You can set the limits in your house which you have doen and is reasonable.

    IF sex is your concern then soul search and figure out why. Is it a moral issue for you or a practical one. If it is a moral one you can't do much about that. You can share your values but she is now over 18 and will make her own moral decisions.

    If it is a practical one, ie birth control and STD's then all you can do is share information with her and make sure she has the information she needs and access to the tools to stay safe (ie disease free and not pregnant).

    I personally don't have a big problem with young adults having sex, at least in theory. Does that make me the liberal one? I did find with my son at 18 that I was uncomfortable with the idea of it happening in my house, especially if we were home. I realized though that my biggest problem was that I have a 15 year old daughter and I don't want her to get the idea that it is ok or that I approve of it. because at the age of 15 I certainly don't. So with my son the issue for me became that I had to make it clear it was not ok here at home because of my daughter. To be honest I probably would let it happen if she was away or something.... assuming of course that the girl was the same age as my son.
  3. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Thanks, toughloving. To answer your question, my problem with them being at X's is mainly that she lied to me about where she was going. X would not be thrilled with them being there under those circumstances (that she is supposedly spending the weekend with me and she did not ask if she could go there). He's made it clear that the only time she is to be there next week is when she comes to feed the cat - and she shold stay no longer than it takes to do that. Yes, it's weird that he's ok with her being there with boyfriend when he's not home otherwise, but he has always had fuzzy boundaries.

    As to sex, I'm ok with my difficult child having sex in a long term committed relationship. It is both a moral and a practical issue with me, though far more practical than moral. She is very promiscuous (sp?) and typically has sex on the first meeting, many times with guys she's never seen before in her life. She's set for birth control, and has been since her first time, but I can't make her use it! This guy, however nice, has been in the picture for two whole weeks. The reason I won't let her be alone with guys here is due to the lying and the lack of trust.

    so, it's the lying more than anything that gets me.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    If it's happening at Daddy's house (or could be happening somewhere else) I'd play ostrich with my head in the sand and not say a word or even give a hint you're any the wiser. Let Daddy handle it, it's his house.

    You only have control of what happens in your house. Minimizes stress and drama.

    She's a grown up. She's gonna do what she's gonna do. All you can do is make sure she doesn't break your house rules.

  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    OK I get the upset over the lying. Wish I had something to tell you about holding them accountable for lying.... that has always been a huge issue with my difficult child....can't trust him at all and he does not seem to totally get that if you lie to me constantly I can't trust you when you swear to me that you are telling the truth!!

    So if you want to confront her on the lying, then keep the lying as the issue. But honestly I have never found contronting my difficult child on lying to be very useful... unless he was lying about something that I then wanted to do something about. For example if he lied about where and what he was using the car for I would take away car privledges.... don't think that ever helped the lying but it dealt with the other issues.

    So I agree with hound dog, I think I would let her dad deal with the fact that she has been going to his house without permission.

    The promiscuity thing is hard, I would worry about that too, but again I don't see that there is much you can do about it.

    Ugh I feel for all of you with difficult child daughters.... the sexual issues are just more worrisome with girls I think because they are at more risk.
  6. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Confronting doesn't work here, either. Never has. Why I keep revisiting this accountability concept, I'll never know! Maybe it's partially because she is SOOO good - she fools everyone ... some for a very long time. I guess I want her to know I'm not fooled but ... why? It serves no purpose other than to make her a better liar and me a crazy person! She's lost the use of my car for anything other than if I need her to run an errand or, ocassionally, for work for lying about what she was using it for.

    I think you're both right. It's ostrich time! Best to save my energy enforcing the boundaries I can control.

    As to the sexuality, I just pray. And drink wine. And pray some more...
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2010
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Play ostrich and if you can get the depo shot, go for it. Better than an unplanned pregnancy. You can do nothing about what you dont know and cant prove.

    Maybe this guy will prove to be the best guy under the sun. Stranger things have happened.

    If its any comfort, I met my SO and moved in with him after our first date and never left. Its been 27 and a half years and we are still together.